Tag Archive | "vivien balakrishnan"

Paranoia is a legitimate feeling

Paranoia is a legitimate feeling

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Especially if you spend too much time online.

By Belmont Lay

It is difficult not to feel paranoid online some times.

If you’ve been following the news, you might have heard about the hoax propagated by the Temasek Review Facebook fan page and a blog called Temasek Revealed stating that a 19-year-old Singapore Armed Forces serviceman was shot dead during training.

Pretty terrifying stuff, right?

Subsequently, MINDEF came out pretty quickly to debunk the hoax. Kudos to them.

You heard of this too, didn’t you? Wait, you mean you have a conspiracy theory with regards to that, you say?

Now get a load of this: The website TR Emeritus is denying it has any ties with the hoaxers at Temasek Review Facebook fan page or Temasek Revealed and that these entities are run by different people and administrators.

Nobody knows who these people are anyways, but that’s supposed to add to the paranoia, right?

And to make things even more confusing, TR Emeritus is claiming to be different and not associated with another previous blog called Temasek Review Emeritus that has apparently been shut down with some police investigation pending.

Well, if you think that someone, somewhere is screwing with your mind right now, yes, it is definitely a legitimate feeling.

Because get a load of this too: The Public Utilities Board is planning to spend $750 million of taxpayers’ money to fight floods in the next five years.

Look, if any government is going to spend three-quarters of a billion dollars to make drains bigger, I mean seriously, anything can happen, right?

Especially after Vivien Balakrishnan said two weeks ago that planning for droughts should be a priority for Singapore.

I mean, GTFO, right?

Breaking news: God claims responsibility for Friday flash floods in S’pore

Breaking news: God claims responsibility for Friday flash floods in S’pore

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Flooding by The Almighty was in response to inane ministerial comment last week about droughts being a worry.

By Yew Tok Kok
Additional reporting by Hor Gao Gan

(Image not rendered to scale and any resemblance to actual deity is purely a coincidence. Or prophecy.)

The freakish flash floods that occurred yesterday afternoon at some parts of Singapore was no unlucky event, as God himself has stepped forward to claim credit for causing it on purpose.

Speaking over Skype, the 6,000-year-old entity said He single-handedly caused the flash floods at Veerasamy Road and Thomson Road on Friday afternoon “as a form of rebuke against hubris and false knowledge”.

Last week, environ-MENTAL minister Vivien Balakrishnan said, rather inanely, after a recent series of high-profile floods in Singapore: “A prolonged drought is something of a greater worry to me than a flash flood, which can be resolved over 15 minutes to half an hour”.

This statement proved to be too tempting for The Almighty to not act on it.

Within a week, The Consuming Fire reacted with a torrent of H2O to show that he means business and to re-emphasise that droughts ought to be the least of anyone’s worries because Singapore is a tropical island that is situated along a geographical region exposed to torrential outbursts of wet weather all year round and it doesn’t bode well that we have also become a concrete jungle.

Besides the Lord’s fury, Vivien’s inane comment about prioritising droughts over floods has also drawn widespread ridicule from Singaporeans.

The flooding is also exceptionally timely and gratifying as it caps a week or even a month of foot-in-mouth incidents involving the PAP, and on one occasion, the incumbent and chye tow kuey.

But make no mistake, The Most High is not done with His rinsing of Singapore’s roads, low-lying or otherwise.

Speaking in his infamous cryptic language and referring to himself in the megalomaniacal third-person, The Alpha and Omega hinted that he might unleash his Godly powers again as he chose his words and tone in the gravely, yet majestic, Kings James version style: “Get thee behind me, Vivien. Thou shalt not bear false witness or serve as a false prophet, for thine powers are unworthy and limited.”

“Thou shalt voteth opposition”, he sublimated.

“Or else, ye tempts fate to tempt thee”, he added.

Changing lingo to sound more urban, He also explained His penchant for wet weather: “You know the story about Noah and The Great Flood? It was done for dramatic effect. If I chose a drought, you know how long and tedious and non-dramatic death would take?”

“Yup, four weeks. And that’s a long time in biblical terms, considering I’m only here for six millennia so far.”

“I’ve got other wars to start, you know”.

Singaporeans disagree about what’s more worrying

Singaporeans disagree about what’s more worrying

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Environ-MENTAL minister Vivien Balakrishnan said droughts more worrying than floods. S’poreans collectively laughed at his inanity.

It has been reported that environ-MENTAL minister Vivien Balakrishnan has gone off some kind of bend lately.

With the recent Orchard Road flooding in December giving his ego a bit of a beating, the ex-MCYS minister who is now in charge of the environment and looking at a future with lesser salary, has come out openly in public yesterday to say he is more concerned about droughts than floods.

Vivien said: “A prolonged drought is something of a greater worry to me than a flash flood, which can be resolved over 15 minutes to half an hour”.

His comment comes at a perfectly lousy time, considering that Liat Towers, which literally drowned during the wet episode last month, is still getting the jitters every time dark clouds loom above Orchard Road – a sad irony considering this famous commercial paradise was incidentally ranked as the best shopping strip in the entire universe last week.

Wendy's sure didn't look like it took 15 minutes to half an hour to resolve its sogginess.

Adding to the lousiness in the timing for his proclamation is the fact that Wendy’s, the burger place, took several hours to set their house in order when flood waters ravaged its business, leaving everything soggy resembling a pond and certainly not feeling like the best shopping strip ever.

The bad timing is further compounded if the announcement to dock ministerial salaries is given some weight.

And just last week, Vivien claimed to be honest about things as he is wont to call “a spade a spade”.

A psychologist based in Singapore, who refused to be named because his wife is a civil servant, said Singaporeans shouldn’t be too hard on Vivien for being inane.

He said: “When people suffer a sudden, brutal financial loss – like for example, a reduction in salary – they tend to go incoherent.”

The psychologist added: “Actually, to mistake inanity with honesty is common. Look at the people posting on SPH’s STOMP.”

A fellow Singaporean, Alan Wantsomesexymamacomegetsome, a Subaru enthusiast, said Vivien’s comments was hilariously penile.

Wantsomesexymamacomegetsome said, “Lan jiao lah! Hahahahahahahahaha…”

A mother of an only teenage son, said she isn’t too concerned with either droughts or floods. Or Vivien, for that matter.

The woman, in her 40s, said her son’s chastity is of utmost importance. Its loss, under circumstances outside the sanctity of marriage, will result in eternal retribution during the afterlife.

She said, “Whether water levels are high or low, doesn’t matter. It’s God’s will. I just don’t want my son to be exposed to sexual references. Especially with MOE going to schools to teach about sexuality education, this will cause youngsters to become more curious and experimental.”

“Imagine if he tried things he shouldn’t? He will go to hell”, she added

“Hell fire and brimstone is most worrying”, she added some more.

Just Vivien calling a spade a spade

Just Vivien calling a spade a spade

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Telling it like it is, the Vivien way.