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Not-so impoverished family bets life savings on Argentina

Not-so impoverished family bets life savings on Argentina

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Items on the chopping block include the family cat, the children and portion of future winnings

A middle class family man has bet his life savings on Sunday’s world cup final. Flush from his winnings after Germany devastated their poor Brazilian hosts 7-1, Ai Hai Zi, who now defines himself as a middle class entrepreneur, is forecasting a win for Argentina for his final world cup 2014 bet.

“Germany’s luck is running out,” said Ai, who is running a consultancy business and offers advice on football betting. “Plus they wasted so much energy humiliating Brazil. Chances are they can’t recover on time. Better be like Argentina – take it easy and win by penalty kicks.”

Ai is betting his life savings, his wife, children, pet cat and shares of his future winnings on the match, which he says, will change his life.

Last time. I promise.

Last time. I promise.

The move was decided in consultation with his son, Andy, who was last seen looking very nervous prior to the World Cup semi finals.

“I hope Argentina wins,” said Andy. “I don’t want to sell backside”.

Impoverished boy gets tuition grant from father

Impoverished boy gets tuition grant from father

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Says he plans to go Oxford, but only if father can win enough cash on Sunday for housing allowance

For years, 12-year-old Andy had been working part time after school just to make ends meet. But as luck would have it, he need not do so any longer – at least until he finishes his national service.

Gorgor has to work part-time as a model to make ends meet

Gorgor has to work part-time as a model to make ends meet

“Papa says he will donate 25% of his winnings to my scholarship fund,” said Andy, whose father had made a windfall on a world cup bet, betting on Germany winning the semi-finals against Brazil. For the record, Germany tore Brazil a new one by trashing the hosts 7-1.

Someone else's winning ticket

Someone else’s winning ticket

Andy’s father says that he will try to multiply his winnings by reinvesting 50% of it in the World Cup finals, after which, he plans to retire from the beautiful game altogether.

“Sibeh chor leh. I don’t think I can take this kind of odds anymore. Just one last time to fund my son’s housing allowance at Oxford, and I’m done,” he said.

Instead, Andy’s father plans to put his years of gambling experience to good use by becoming a stockbroker at a local bank.

“My boy has inherited my gift for numbers. His teachers say that he can probably get a place at Oxford to study probability and statistics. It is only right that as a father, I do my best to fund his education,” he said.

Retired soccer hero Tim Howard enters politics

Retired soccer hero Tim Howard enters politics

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Appointed US defense secretary as of 1 July 2014

Team USA goalie Tim Howard was appointed the US Secretary of Defense yesterday, after the US exited the World Cup. Howard replaces Chuck Hagel, a former Republican Senator from Nebraska.

“The institution of defense secretary has long been overly aggressive, and over-eager to assist fallen team mates, leaving the goal post wide open,” said political pundit and occasional soccer fan Eric de Yaya.

“Tim Howard has spent his whole life protecting the goal. You can be sure he’ll bring some much-needed culture change into the defense ministry. He also looks kind of brown, and a bit Asia. This will greatly aid the US pivot into the region.”

If you thought the odds of US winning the World Cup was low, wait till you see the world cup 2014 betting odds for Costa Rica.

Somebody won USD3,300 after betting that Luis Suarez would bite someone

Somebody won USD3,300 after betting that Luis Suarez would bite someone

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That’s a thought to chew on

He fought tooth and nail for the goal. For the record Uruguay won 1-0 against Italy on Tuesday.

He fought tooth and nail for the goal.

Not sure which is more surprising – that a betting website posted a prop bet that Luiz Suarez would bite someone during the World Cup, or that Suarez really did bite someone. Again.

Suarez gets a taste of Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic in April 2013

Suarez gets a taste of Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic in April 2013

A total of 167 people reportedly cashed in on their bet on Norwegian gambling website Betsson , with the biggest winner getting a nice USD 3,300 in his bank account.

What are the odds!? on Twitpic

No not this guy – he only bet 32 krone (about $5.25 USD).

The odds were 175-to-1 that Luis Suarez would bite someone during the tournament, which is pretty decent considering Suarez has bitten people on the soccer field before, twice.

Unfortunately the website which allows you to bet on world cup, does not allow you to bet on Luis Suarez.

But hopefully they take the hint.

Here’s more pics from the interweb to keep you happy. Now shoo.

Mysterious affliction spreads to UK expats

Mysterious affliction spreads to UK expats

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All declare MC on Friday

Gerrard-Suarez

The mysterious affliction that begun spreading in Singapore last Friday has now found to be spreading among expats in Singapore. According to MOH data, UK expats are genetically more vulnerable to this disease, which climaxes among the demographic usually midway through the World Cup.

Unlike Singaporean carriers of the virus, who generally display milder symptoms such as insomnia at 4am and temporary Tourettes, UK carriers of the virus are found to be bad tempered and violent across the board.

“Boss today declare MC, but he was still yelling at me during the con call. Don’t know why he was picking on me today,” said Suarez Chew, a banker who was named after Spain’s first prime minister.

Fortunately this affliction is only temporary and will subside within a week.

“Past cases have shown that UK expats all manage to recover quickly, particularly after picking another football team to support. But there’s a danger of the virus flaring up again should the said team lose during the finals,” said MOH spokesperson, Tak Kiu.

What were the odds of this happening? Test your luck with world cup 2014 odds.

Mexico goalkeeper found to be reincarnation of god

Mexico goalkeeper found to be reincarnation of god

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And we has pictures

It is not everyday that Mexico goalkeeper Guillermo Ochoa faces off Brazil in the World cup.

But when he does, you can be sure that Brazil will not win.

Or at the very least be pushed to a draw. Which is exactly what he did when he performed seven saves in moments that can only be described as miraculous.

“Isn’t it obvious? Ochoa is a reincarnation of god,” said part time football pundit Eric de Yaya.

Other World Cup fans were less certain about the god link.

“Ochoa is probably a reincarnation of Paul the Octopus,” said EPL fan and temporary Mexico supporter Tat Koh Yak Yi. “Paul got so much good karma after lifting poor families out of poverty from their football winnings. That’s why he became human in this life.”

Here’s 7 of the best images of Ochoa in god mode, courtesy of the internet.

#1 Ochoa can be in many places at once

#2 Ochoa is like the thousand-hand Buddha

#3 Ochoa is Superman

#4 Ochoa is like an angmoh Lao Tze 

#5 Ochoa is Jesus

#6 Ochoa can fly

#7 Ochoa is the One

Another way to get into god mode is to try your hand at world cup betting. We don’t guarantee your losses. Sorry hor.

Number of MCs on record high

Number of MCs on record high

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Ministry of Health declares health warning, recommends people stay at home

Epidemic

Epidemic

More than 100,000 people called in sick last Friday morning with symptoms varying from “headache” to “runny nose” and “severely infectious cough”. More are still expected to file in sick in the upcoming weeks.

Due to the severity of this unidentifiable disease, the Ministry of Health (MOH), has declared a health warning and recommends that people avoid going to work until the epidemic subsides.

“We have been unable to isolate the virus causing this disease but we do know that it affects mostly males,” said MOH spokesperson Tak Kiu, who also declared MC and was speaking to New Nation over the phone.

According to MOH data, the last epidemic of this proportion occurred in 2012 and lasted for a month, peaking on the 29th and 30th day. As such, it is likely that there will be an economic paralysis on the 12th and 13th of July when two out of five working adults will call in sick.

If you have nothing better to do while on MC, go bet on the world cup 2014. Lose your daiji hor.

Govt orders free World Cup to subdue opposition

Govt orders free World Cup to subdue opposition

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Prime Minister’s office to foot the bill

world cup 2014

The Singapore government has ordered Mediacorp to ensure that all World Cup matches are screened on Channel 5 without advertisements and interruptions. Broadcasting the World Cup on this free to air channel, it said, will win the hearts and minds of Singaporeans in light of the clusterfuck that has emerged from the Roy Ngerng saga.

“I last time angry that my money was locked up in CPF, and I couldn’t afford my Singtel subscription. Now I can watch World Cup for free, angry for what?” said Hoh Seh Liao, a recreational football player who regularly sprains his ankles during the weekend.

As it was Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong who ignited the furore by suing CPF blogger Roy Ngerng, it is only befitting that his office should foot the bill.

“Workers’ Party can do this annot? Cannot right? No money right? Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah,” said PAP spokesperson Dam Chare Dish, when asked if the move was aimed at subduing the opposition.

Note: You might have a better chance winning some money at  world cup 2014 betting, than seeing this actually happening.

[Sponsored Video] Doodling professionally on your phone

[Sponsored Video] Doodling professionally on your phone

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How to draw Wreck-it-Ralph on your Samsung Galaxy Note II

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Imagine drawing this on your smartphone.

A doodle by Picasso was sold for £250,000 in 2007. And that was only because buyers were able to locate the crayon drawing, scrawled on a wall when Picasso was drunk.

Today, with sketching tools readily available on your tablet or smartphone, locating random doodles will be a thing of the past, as will broken pencils and excessively decorated meeting notes. Drawing a caricature of the annoying co-worker in the cubicle next door has never been easier.

But rest assured. Us Apple whores at New Nation will not be the ones teaching you how to doodle professionally on your Samsung Galaxy Note II, which by most accounts, seems to be a much better gadget than the iPhone 5.

Bill schwab disney

“Even a computer-generated character like [Wreck-it Ralph], starts with a sketch,” said Bill Schwab, character designer at Walt Disney animation studios, in the video located on the top right hand corner of your screen.

But if you’re too lazy to sit through the whole 3 min video, here’s a quick rundown on how to make snazzy doodles without a smudge.

#1 Launch “Idea Sketch” in S-note

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#2 Go to tools and select your drawing tool. Bill picks the “pencil” and begins drawing Ralph’s head, together with his other squarish features. 

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#3 Bill draws spiky hair for Ralph. Because….. that’s Disney’s way of saying he’s a bad guy.

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#4 Oh, if you use two fingers, you can actually zoom into the image. Does anyone smell apples?

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#5 But what if you don’t have time to draw the whole thing from scratch? No worries! Grab a ready made image with “idea sketch”!

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#6 Scrawl “Ralph” to get a pre-drawn image of him.

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#7 Like so.

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#8 Add a background if you’re bored. 

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#9 Bricks? Of course, bricks are awesome.

10a

#10 But wait, what about a logo to make the whole poster more legit? The Samsung Galaxy Note II enables instant lifting from the interwebs. Open multi-window.

10ab

#11 Go to the internet.

10b

10c

#12 Grab the logo off the Wreck-it Ralph website using easy clip.

11a

#13 Lasso the logo, drop it off from clipboard.

11b

#14 And what do you know, just like the real thing!

11c

[Sponsored by Samsung]

None of us actually own Samsung phones.

This is why the world needs tuition teachers

This is why the world needs tuition teachers

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Some students take a swig of whiskey before their exams to calm their nerves.

Others make a quick trip to the temple in the hopes of getting celestial assistance during their tests.

But it takes a student with exceptional balls to troll their examiners.

#1 This one was obviously hungry.

funny exam 9

#2 This one might not have expected to be countertrolled by the examiner.

funny exam 10

#3 This one obviously had help from his dad.
funnyexam 1

#4 This one clearly should have switched to an art course.

funnyexam 2

#5 This one might have been in the midst of intense self exploration.

funnyexam 3

#6 Denial. More than just a river.

funnyexam 4

#7 So old school. Who plays tetris nowadays??

funnyexam 5

#8 True though.

funnyexam 6

#9 To be fair, it is quite a cute pussycat.

funnyexam 7

#10 Balls to you my friend.

funnyexam 8

But for the rest of the students with neither enough wit to do a good troll, nor enough time on the experience bar to get some dutch courage. All’s not lost.

You could get yourself prepared to tackle the exams with confidence by taking tuition.

Specifically, we’re talking about O’Level and A’Level tuition — a little below the age group for New Nation readers but hey, maybe you’ve got siblings or nieces right?

Domain of Experts is a platform for students to pick their tutors based on their teaching portfolio, and another channel for tutors to reach out to potential students.

Need some help with that chemistry test? Contact Dr Chung. Or if your brother needs help with O’level biology? Click on Miss Sharon Wong for her tutoring profile.

It’s a one stop shop for your last-minute cramming needs.

Full Disclosure: This is a paid advertorial. New Nation bears no responsibility should you continue to fail your exams after 25 hours of tuition a day.