Tag Archive | "singapore drugs"

ISD building new torture chamber

ISD building new torture chamber

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Designed by CNB officer, chamber mimics “bad trip”

(Based on a true story.)

Beware, the maze is terrifying. PIcture taken from CNB campaign page.

Beware, the maze is terrifying. PIcture taken from CNB campaign page.

The Internal Security Department will be building a new torture chamber based on the experiences of a bad trip. Designed by the Central Narcotics Bureau, the chamber is currently on display at Bugis+ mall and features “jabbing strobe lights and unpleasant hallucinations” to “mimic the disorienting effects of drug intoxication”.

“We had to find a way to get rid of all the confiscated drugs,” admitted CNB officer Lucy “Sky” Diamond who conceptualised the chamber while getting high one night. “There’s nothing more terrifying than tripping on expired product.”

The CNB seized a record $18.3 million worth of narcotics last year, which includes a wide bevy of substances including ganja, ecstasy, heroin and LSD. While it is illegal to resell or even consume the substances, permission for drug-fuelled trance parties was granted by president Tony Tan as it unites the bureau and fosters innovation.

“I dreamt that I was on a date with Ho Ching,” said a terrified CNB officer Wo Hai Pa. “And when she told me what happened to my CPF money, I pissed in my pants. I swear I’ll never take drugs again!”

Initial feedback for the exhibition however, indicates that the display may be ineffective as it only shows that the CNB has been confiscating low-quality substances.

“Yeah,well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man,” said ganja connoisseur Hao Shiong Di. “I nearly spilt my beverage at the overall inaccuracy of the experience. That, and the absence of a rug. Something had to tie the exhibition together.”

The ISD plans to launch the new chamber before the 2016 elections in anticipation of a surge in ISA detainees.

Just thought we'd put it in for good measure.

Just thought we’d put it in for good measure.

Weed now legal in Singapore

Weed now legal in Singapore

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In light of recent social tensions in Singapore, the government has made legal the personal consumption cannabis, and plans to impose a national weed holiday where the grass will be sold at subsidised, means-tested rates.

The move is a controversial one, especially in a country where drug trafficking is punishable by death. Under the revised Misuse of Drugs act, cannabis will no longer be a controlled drug, but morphine, heroin, acid and the other usual suspects still remain under strict regulation.

“Unlike the other drugs, weed helps people relax. This is precisely what Singapore needs in today’s fast-paced society,” said Grassy Foo, a social development policy advisor at the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) who cited his experience studying in Amsterdam as his inspiration for the initiative.

Users of weed reportedly benefit from a more placid temperament, an increased appetite and some even report increased libido. These effects of cannabis, according to the MSF, will help ease the strained relations between locals and foreigners, government and people, racists and race apologists and with luck, may even increase the nation’s birth rate.

The ministry says it is talks with the Ministry of Education to distribute cannabis to students before the PSLE examinations in the event they get too stressed.

“Most parents feel uncomfortable with consuming drugs. In order to get them to back off from their children, we’re thinking of educating the students themselves on parental management. For example, they could learn how to build a bong using recycled plastic PET bottles during science classes, and then get their parents to try the device out,” said Foo.

“Parents need to be reminded to not be so kancheong. Let out kids have their childhood,” said Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong in a facebook post quoted out of context by New Nation.

But will there be enough weed to quell the collective angst of the nation?

These lovely blocks of grass are worth S$15,000, according to the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority (ICA).

According to a source at the Central Narcotics Bureau, the agency confiscates a ridiculous amount of weed every year, of which only a small portion is consumed by CNB officers while they are out getting blow jobs from seductive IT salesgirls. Yet due to anti-trafficking laws, the drugs cannot be disposed of overseas, nor can they be buried at Pulau Semakau.

“Therefore, from a storage point of view, it would be best if we could burn all that weed — which is slowly getting stale by the way — up once a year during a public holiday,” he said. “In fact, if the PAP wants to win the next elections in 2016, they should have a national weed bonfire so the opposition cannot rile up the angry crowd.”

Still, not all are in favour of this radical new policy.

“As a small time drug dealer, I’m appalled that the government is intervening into the underground drug market,” said Miss Tan, who is also in the loansharking business. “Making weed more accessible will only create dependency, especially among my Malay customers. If they want to smoke weed, they should work for it and sell the harder stuff. There’s no such thing as free lunch you know.”