Tag Archive | "singapore douchebag"

Letter from a douchebag reader

Letter from a douchebag reader

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I chanced upon your post on Single Dude and absolutely agree with exactly half of what you said. As an American man working in Singapore myself, I have been subject to much retardation of the Singapore variety.


However, I must correct you on the few anecdotes you cited in the well written expose of the real Singapore. Having lived here for nearly three years, it seems that you are not familiar with some of the nitty gritty in this city.

1) I don’t hire people myself (the HR department does that for me), but I have rarely heard of people turning down decent jobs in established companies, such as the ones that I have worked for since I graduated from Harvard. One of the women I dated however, did reveal that she didn’t turn up for a casting call because she had a bad hair day. Which brings me to my next point, addressed at Single Dude.

2) I personally never had trouble with the ladies. It all starts with buying them drinks, and getting down and dirty on the dance floor. They tend not to chug so much when we’re exchanging moves so I do save on my champagne. More bang for my buck, if you get my drift. I see that you have a strong dislike for banker types wearing long sleeve striped shirts — the stripes hide the poor tailoring so I know where you’re coming from — and I dislike them too. Class, candour and an exotic accent goes a long way here. But when all that fails, I take solace in my huge penis (of course, if you had a small dong that works in the opposite). Which keeps all the ladies happy.

3) Back to the original post. Obama’s healthcare law sure as hell is retarded. That’s why I moved to Singapore in the first place, where only the deserving and productive economic contributors get healthcare. There’s no room for moochers here and I absolutely agree with automating work processes — this way companies won’t be subject to the whims of striking Chinese workers! The audacity they displayed in demanding for higher wages. How despicable! Companies such as yours ought to hire foreign workers from the cheapest source possible, because that’s the only way to compete.

4) I suspect your SMS with the job applicant James was tainted by autocorrect. You see, no Singaporean says “No unit lah?”. It is either “No unit ah?”, or “No unit lah!”. The former is a question asking you for the unit number of your company while the latter is an exclamation that you’re missing some information (in this case, the unit number) in the address. I myself have been subject to the tyranny of autocorrect more than once. Some examples of SMS faux pas can be found here.

One example of inappropriate English.

One example of inappropriate English.

5) You say that locals can get by on less than $1,000 a month, which is a lot less than what I pay for my condo rent. I beg to differ. Singaporeans can get by on $500 a month because they’re coddled in their parents’ homes until they get married or get enough cash to buy a flat when they hit 35. I’ve spent many a night at a flat in Pasir Ris while my lady friend’s parents were asleep. She sells trinkets on her blogshop and I subsidise her Chanel bags when I can. The flat is a nice place by the way, down by the beach. I’m not sure why you call HDBs ghetto.

6) However, I do agree that there are ghetto pockets, especially in the older office buildings. Which is why, as an expatriate, I try to avoid these places like I avoid going to the Bronx at night.

7) I’m a big believer in racial harmony and non-discriminatory dating. In my short time here, I’ve dated Chinese, Malay, Indian, Thai and Indonesian women, all who have proven to be very comely. I do agree with you, the ladies never get along well together when they meet. But I’m puzzled as to why you seem to be meeting ugly people with “bad skin, bad teeth” and glasses almost exclusively. The women I meet are all gorgeous, even the ones with the adorable geek chic glasses.

You should come back to Singapore one day and I’ll show you around. The city may be retarded for the most part (especially the banking regulations and the sudden strident need to slow down growth), but there are pockets of beauty to enjoy.

Unless you’re a mediocre expatriate expected to be treated like a king. Or the boss of a tiny business that nobody wants to work for. Or a bitter loser seeking solace with a blog that helps single white men get laid in Asia on a budget.

Ring me when you’re here,
Thomas Money