Tag Archive | "National Library Board"

NLB to organise S’pore’s first pro-family writers’ festival

NLB to organise S’pore’s first pro-family writers’ festival

Tags: ,


Focus on the family.

By David Tan

pro-family

With the fate of the Singapore Writers’ Festival hanging in the balance following the mass boycott of the event by Singapore’s literary community, the NLB has announced that it will be reviving the festival by rebranding it as Singapore’s first ever Pro-Family Writers Festival.

The festival, now aimed at encouraging the growth of Singaporean pro-family literature, was announced at the National Library on Friday and was greeted with wild enthusiasm by the local conservative community.

Yeshu Ai Wo, a local pro-family writer and president of the Professional Organisation Of Family-friendly Thespians and Authors (POOFTA), said: “For too long we have suffered under the tyranny of the doyenne of Singaporean literature, Ovidia Yu. With her gone, now us pro-family writers will finally have the chance to prove our worth with our wholesome writing exhorting heterosexual Singaporeans to marry and have 2.1 or more children.”

One of the main highlights of the pro-family writers’ festival is the publication of Singapore’s first ever anthology of pro-family writing.

Tu Shu Guan, a spokesperson for the NLB, explained: “There has been a great demand for local pro-family literature following our efforts to purge the library of undesirable content, especially since most of our book collection was sent for pulping.”

In order to cater to the writing calibre of Singapore’s pro-family writers, the NLB has provided five writing prompts to help writers along with their creative process.

Authors submitting their works are expected to choose one prompt to write about.

 

The five prompts are:

1. My mummy, my daddy, my sister, brother and I are part of a traditional family unit. One day I found a book in the library. I showed it to my mummy and…

2. Describe a personal encounter with a traditional family unit.

3. Family.

 

Creative Writing Prompts:

4. Rewrite a National Day song to make it more pro-family (e.g. “We the citizens of Singapore, pledge ourselves as one united people with regard to race, language or religion…”)

5. Write a letter to your MP to suggest how Singapore’s public institutions can be made more pro-family.

 

Initial responses to the prompts have been overwhelmingly positive.

Yeshu said: “I’m very excited by this opportunity, and I plan on choosing the personal recount prompt because it’s the format that earns you the most marks.”

 

Do not contravene our conservative values or we’d arrest you:
Taylor Swift suspected of singing songs mocking S’pore authorities

NLB pulps Marvel comic books after Thor goes from male to female

NLB pulps Marvel comic books after Thor goes from male to female

Tags: , , ,


This is to uphold community norms where men remain as men and women as women.

thor-female-male

In a bid to uphold community norms, the National Library Board will be pulping all its Marvel comic books in its collection to protect Singaporeans from the harmful influences of transgenderism.

This after Marvel announced that the Hammer God Thor will change sex and go from male to female, although she can still keep is silky smooth hair.

Tu Shu Guan, a NLB spokesperson, said: “This is unacceptable in Singapore’s context, where we must state categorically what category you are, whether you are male or female, Chinese, Malay, Indian or Others. No one can wake up one morning and decide to become a different category or be in any grey area.”

“Because according to standard procedure, if you want to change category, you need to print the application form from the ICA website, include documents as evidence of why you are applying for re-categorisaion, and submit it to the relevant authorities, who may or may not get back to you in 14 working days.”

“To change sex overnight without applying for permission is a violation of Singapore’s social norms and will cause people to behave in unbecoming manners, like doing what they like and have a free will.”

NLB releases pro-family book based on true story

NLB releases pro-family book based on true story

Tags: ,


This will counter the effects of non-pro-family books that have tainted Singapore.

By David Tan

tango-pulped

In a bid to enhance its pro-family book collection, the National Library Board has released a brand new book based on the true story of the withdrawal and subsequent destruction of the controversial book And Tango Makes Three.

Titled And Tango Gets Pulped, the book will tell the cautionary tale of how books featuring alternative family units are dangerous to society and stresses the importance of upholding community norms.

Speaking at the book launch event, NLB spokesperson Tu Shu Guan said: “I believe a great man once said that it is important for us to ensure that the public read the right things, and publishing this book represents a step in that direction for us.”

The book, which features many colourful and eye-catching drawings of penguins in heterosexual relationships, was written with the help of Singapore’s conservative community.

Yeshu Ai Wo, an aspiring writer and sister to prominent conservative activist Yeshu Ai Ni, said: “I’m very happy that the NLB has given me this chance to showcase my talents, especially since my work has largely been suppressed by the local writers’ community just because my stories aren’t as good as theirs.”

And Tango Gets Pulped will be printed on recycled paper produced from the pulping of non-pro-family books at self-pulping machines that will be available at public libraries islandwide.

 

Public amenities stand up for minority rights in Singapore
6 rainbow buildings in S’pore that have stood up for gay rights

NLB introduces ethnic quota to uphold community norms

NLB introduces ethnic quota to uphold community norms

Tags: , ,


This is to uphold community norms.

By David Tan

racial-harmony

In the run up to Racial Harmony Day on July 21, 2014, the National Library Board has announced that it will be introducing an ethnic quota to its book collection as part of its commitment toward upholding Singapore’s community norms.

Tu Shu Guan, a spokesperson for the NLB, said: “As a public institution, our primary responsibility is to reflect Singapore’s community norms. As such, we will be conducting another comprehensive review of our book holdings to ensure that our collection conforms to Singapore’s traditionally accepted ethnic ratio of Chinese, Malay, Indian and Others people.”

“This will ensure that visitors to the library will not be confused by our book selection and will also reinforce the library’s continued relevance to Singapore society.”

Already, this move has garnered broad support from members of Singapore’s conservative community.

Yeshu Ai Ni, a prominent conservative in Singapore, said: “I have many Indian friends, and I am sure they will be delighted to find that their culture is being represented in line with the national average.”

At present, Singapore’s multiracial population is composed of a majority Chinese population (74.2%) while the Malay and Indian population constitute 13.2% and 9.2% of the total population respectively.

It is presently unclear who the Others really are.

NLB to introduce self-pulping machines for select library members

NLB to introduce self-pulping machines for select library members

Tags: , , ,


Subversive books, be gone.

By David Tan

recycling

In response to growing calls for the National Library Board (NLB) to introduce greater transparency into its book reviewing process, the NLB has announced a new scheme to help improve the efficiency of its book filtering process.

Dubbed the Centralised Elimination, Neutralisation and Selection of Offensive Reads (CENSOR) programme, the new scheme will allow for select privileged members of the library to remove material they deem incompatible with the NLB’s pro-family stance and dispose of them at self-pulping stations to be installed in public libraries island-wide.

Tu Shu Guan, a spokesperson for the NLB, said: “We have over the past few days received an overwhelming number of book removal requests to ensure that our collection is in line with our pro-family stance, which is why we are turning to the community to help us ensure the ideological purity of our book holdings.”

Tu also said: “We are extremely thankful that Singapore’s conservative community has agreed to step up to the plate to help us in this public engagement scheme, and we have granted them all privileged library member status so that they can automatically pulp whatever books they find offensive within our collection.”

With the CENSOR programme in place, it is estimated that the amount of time required to review a book will be reduced from two days to just five minutes, allowing the NLB to address its current backlog of book removal requests.

Tu added: “All pulped books will be recycled back into paper, which will be used by the NLB and members of Singapore’s conservative community to write new pro-family books to restock our library shelves.”

NLB to reinstate banned penguin book with minor changes to content

NLB to reinstate banned penguin book with minor changes to content

Tags: , , ,


Move will bridge both sides of the divide, and maybe, even the third side.

By David Tan & Ye Zhi Song

and-tango-makes-breasts

In light of the public uproar over the removal of two non-pro-family books from the shelves of public libraries across Singapore, the National Library Board has announced that it will be reinstating the banned book And Tango Makes Three so long as minor edits to the book’s content are made.

Tu Shu Guan, a spokesperson for the NLB, said: “In the spirit of compromise, we have decided to reinstate the book And Tango Makes Three to the shelves of all public libraries, but in order to ensure that the NLB’s pro-family stance is maintained, we will require that breasts be drawn on one of the two parent penguins.”

“This will help ensure that children will not be confused as to which penguin is the mother and which is the father, thus preventing the book from promoting alternative family lifestyles.”

Already, Singapore’s conservatives are hailing the move as a groundbreaking milestone in public discourse, saying that such a move shows the NLB’s willingness to compromise on hot topic public issues.

Yeshu Ai Ni, a member of the Singaporean conservative community, said: “I think this is a very good move on the part of NLB, since it preserves the library’s core commitment toward promoting pro-family values without removing any cute penguins from its shelves.”

When questioned by reporters whether such a move would inadvertently promote transgenderism, Tu said: “Oh shit.”

 

In other news with breasts:
Douchey condo ad guy is a two-timing son of a bitch

NLB completes review of children’s collection, purges 99.99996% of books

NLB completes review of children’s collection, purges 99.99996% of books

Tags:


Fiction section closed down.

By David Tan

roald-dahl

The National Library Board (NLB) has announced that it will be getting rid of 99.99996% of its children’s book collection following the completion of a systematic review of its book holdings to identify and eliminate any non-pro-family literature.

This review was prompted by an outcry from Singaporean conservatives over the discovery of children’s books that featured family units deviating from the “one man, one woman, and their children” model.

Tu Shu Guan, a spokesperson for the NLB, said: “To be honest, we were completely shocked by the sheer extent to which books of a smutty and filthy nature have infiltrated our shelves, and we are greatly puzzled by the continued efforts of children’s writers to feature the breadth of the human condition when the only books children should be exposed to are those featuring the traditional family unit.”

Among the books identified for removal were popular titles such as Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Matilda, both of which featured positive portrayals of alternative family structures.

Tu went on to say: “Thanks to the vigilance of Singapore’s conservatives, we have been able to greatly streamline our children’s collection from over five million books down to two strongly pro-family books, and they are Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder and The Swiss Family Robinson by Johann David Wyss.”

“This should make it greatly easier for children to choose the right books to read.”

National Library Board bans Harry Potter books, reaffirms commitment to pro-family stance

National Library Board bans Harry Potter books, reaffirms commitment to pro-family stance

Tags: , , ,


They will hunt down and eradicate all non-pro-family books.

By David Tan

national-library-singapore

In a bid to reaffirm its commitment to pro-family values, the National Library Board has announced that it will be removing all copies of the wildly popular Harry Potter books from its shelves, due to their promotion of non-traditional family values.

This move comes amidst growing calls by Singaporean conservatives for non-pro-family literature to be removed from library shelves.

Guy Montag, a spokesperson for the National Library Board, said: “Following a comprehensive review of our book collection, we have discovered that the Harry Potter series contains material that conflicts with our pro-family stance, especially since Harry Potter rejects his heterosexual adoptive parents and instead adopts a homosexual wizard as a father figure.”

The father figure is commonly known in the Harry Potter series as Albus Dumbledore, the gay headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Montag added that other aspects of the series are also of great concern: “For example, the portrayals of crossbreeds like centaurs and half-giants in a positive light suggest that humans can have successful sexual relations with other species.”

“And the fact that a gay man can even be allowed near an entire school of children, much less employed as their headmaster, is to be condemned.”

With over five million books in the library’s collection, Montag said that they are devoting their best efforts toward eradicating any non-pro-family material from its shelves and that no book would be spared from scrutiny.

He added: “While our investigations are still at a very preliminary state, we have recently uncovered another very popular book that contains some strongly anti-family material, including a story about a king having sex with a married woman, as well as another story about a father almost murdering his son because his god told him to.”

“And there are a lot of stories about cutting of foreskin. What’s up with those?”

 

Singaporeans are good at getting around things:
Haze no match for S’porean ingenuity