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Traffic jams are a security threat

Traffic jams are a security threat

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by Landon Lim

MINDEF has it all wrong. The biggest terrorist threat will not be a from a mysterious Chinese man carrying a black bag into the MRT station. The biggest threat, will emerge from a terrorist blowing himself to bits along the PIE during the rush hour jam, while everyone’s stuck in their car swearing at the ERP. And the best thing about it? The Bomb Disposal unit will be stuck in the jam too, rendering all of us well and truly screwed.

There are definitely too many cars in Singapore and I believe it is because the COE is too cheap. At a price of about $91,000, what are the opportunity costs? Maybe a few Hermes bags or a few holidays to Europe?  Due to ridiculous inflation, the value of $91,000 is slowly becoming negligible.

The constant traffic jams could also be due to traffic accidents (some caused by pedestrians). In a surveying of traffic accidents across the island done by yours truly, it has been noted that an enormous number of cars slow down upon reaching an accident site to take down the car plate number to buy 4D.

I urge MINDEF and the ministry of home affairs to take concrete steps to stop this emerging terrorist threat.

Firstly, to reduce the number of cars of the road, I suggest pegging the price of a COE to the price of a 4-room HDB flat. This way people would rather buy a flat, which they cannot afford anyway.

Also, with the current dirt cheap COE prices causing traffic jams, the MRT being invaded by foreigners, our god of transport thinking that he can miraculously stop the MRT breakdowns by appearing in it and buses going on a rampage, bicycles appear to be the only logical way out. But to prevent future traffic jams due to the numerous bicycles on the road, the government should seriously think about slapping a COE on them as well.

Secondly, to prevent everyone from slowing down to take down accident car plate numbers, the traffic police should provide a service by taking a photo of the car plate and uploading it onto their Facebook page immediately.

Thirdly — my favourite solution to mitigate this situation. We could begin out working day from 11am, which is the time I reach work due to the jam anyway. At the same time, in order to reach home in time for dinner, and to achieve a work life balance to improve the declining birth rate, I propose that we finish work at 4pm.

In line with the government’s policy of total defence, these solutions deter terrorists from taking advantage of the nation’s vulnerability during traffic jams, and will also promote our civil defence sector by more time for baby-making. It also promotes economic redistribution by ensuring that more people have access to crucial information that could affect their chances at the lottery.

On a separate note, I would like to start an investment fund investing in COEs, as it has generated 600% returns over the past 6 years. This is the only real way to beat the 50% inflation rates that will be the norm of the future. Do contact me if you are interested.