Tag Archive | "kong hee"

Apply aloe vera on Kong Hee’s burnt areas

Apply aloe vera on Kong Hee’s burnt areas

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Pour cold water too.

Even as his legal woes get compounded by the possibility of forever not being able to head a charity body as a result of allegedly performing sorcery on church funds, City Harvest Church pastor Kong Hee is still taking to Twitter to connect with whoever it is that is following him on Twitter.

But check out the 11 comebacks to Kong Hee’s tweets stolen from @gweezilla, and the epic burns they have caused.

1. Reminder that Singapore still has a reputable justice system

2. Should have tagged SingTel too

3.Solitary confinement anybody?

4. Christians do take things too literally sometimes

5.If you trust God, you’d trust his plans

6. Self-ownage

7. The danger of relying on cliches

8. Burn

9. Another burn

10. Another massive burn







Moderate Satanists offering financial assistance to Kong Hee and Friends

Moderate Satanists offering financial assistance to Kong Hee and Friends

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However, they are going to run the idea of raising funds past Commissioner of Charities first.

This family of three Satanists are so publicity-shy they requested that only their photos be taken from the back, at 100 metres distance. The husband is known to help out twice a week at Meet-The-People sessions, while the wife is in the banking industry and donates money regularly to NKF.

In an ecumenical move to spruce up inter-faith understanding and dialogue in Singapore, a group of moderate Singaporean Satanists are banding together to offer financial assistance to Pastor Kong Hee and Friends from City Harvest to subsidise the cost of their legal woes, as they’ve hired very expensive lawyers to defend them against charges of misusing church funds.

This unusual move comes after it was reported that the Commissioner of Charities has warned City Harvest Church that neither the church nor its Christian members should be raising funds or appealing for donations to pay for the hefty legal fees of Kong Hee and Friends.

S.A. Tan, the official spokesperson for Knights In Satan’s Service (KISS), one of Singapore’s official Satanist organisations, said: “We, as moderate Satanists, are not as evil as we are made out to be in Hollywood movies and the Bible.”

He explained: “This is just an opportunity to show that each and everyone of us who have religion — regardless if you are Satanist, Christian or Jedi — can always put our faith aside and work together to solve problems and help one another.”

However, not everyone is convinced.

Some have questioned if offering financial assistance to Kong Hee and Friends comes with terms attached and if it is the same as the story of Satan tempting Jesus in the desert?

Tan, objecting to this stereotype, said: “No, definitely not. Look, the government is always very big on inter-faith understanding, which is something Satanists here actively support and promote in our capacity as Singapore is a multi-religious society.”

He also said: “We are always very happy to work and associate with others. However, what we feel is that there is very little representation whenever there are round-table discussions and all the other faiths get to participate at our exclusion.”

He continued: “We just want to be of help to others too, because it’s I who build community.”

Many of the Satanists in Singapore are prominent, moderate individuals, who are also publicity-shy. They are outnumbered by other religions as their members number to about 100 only.

Roughly half of them are in banking while the rest are lawyers, doctors, white-collar professionals and engineers, including one prominent MediaCorp actress and the owner of a chain of bubble tea shops.

At least two of these Satanists are known to help out twice a week at Meet-The-People sessions and they have forked out their own money to give to the poor to tide them over periods of hardship.

Which is unlike Singapore Press Holdings, which only gives low-income families newspapers.

Tan explained: “Many of us are law-abiding, tax-paying, “Singaporean-First mentality” types. We work hard at our jobs, assimilate into everyday life, take out the thrash, eat at hawker centres and pay for exorbitant COEs too, you know.”

But before they raise funds, the moderate Satanists want to abide by the law and get necessary permission from the relevant authorities.

Tan said: “We will play by ear and do things by the book. We will let the Commissioner of Charities know of our intention and state publicly our stand and let the authorities and the court of public opinion decide.”

Singaporeans organise farewell Tupperware parties…

Singaporeans organise farewell Tupperware parties…

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… as Kong Hee bids adieu.

A group of Singaporeans are planning several farewell Tupperware parties all over the island over the next few days.

This comes after they received news late yesterday that the court is allowing Pastor Kong Hee of City Harvest Church to leave Singapore because he allegedly has to move around the Southeast Asia region for pastoral engagements.

Kong’s bail has been raised to $1 million, making it look like a hefty sum given that he and his wife live in a $9.3 million Sentosa Cove house.

One Tupperware party organiser, Jiak Liao Bee, said she and her friends and relatives are hosting Tupperware parties to applaud the fairness of this decision.

Jiak said, while clapping slowly and making that tsk-tsk sound: “It is only right that someone embroiled in the biggest charity scandal should be allowed to go overseas. He is unlike Chee Soon Juan from SDP, who is bankrupt and barred from travel, when heĀ can barely afford to fly.”

Speculation has also been rife over the past 12 hours as to whether Kong Hee or Jesus will return back first.

In view of this mood, the pot-luck Tupperware feasts will also consist of fellowship, where there will be singing of some handpicked karaoke songs dedicated to the occasion.

These include Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, Don’t Look Back In Anger by Oasis and the perennial classic, Leaving On A Jet Plane by John Denver.

M Ravi to lead congregation at City Harvest Church

M Ravi to lead congregation at City Harvest Church

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By Aihaven bin Ittin Sins Mornin

Human rights lawyer and dance extraordinaire Ravi Madasamy has been called to lead City Harvest Church (CHC) in their congregation this weekend, according the National Council of Megachurches and the Group of Immense Religious Organisations.

Currently under severe media scrutiny for the state of his mental health, the eccentric Ravi had apparently impressed a member of the NCSS during his traditional dance performance at Hong Lim Park last Monday. Decked out in a garland, makeup and a gold belt, he charmed a crowd of 40 people as he told Lee Kuan Yew to “go fly kite” and that there were vampires in the Empire State building.

“We need people like Ravi to bring faith back into the world,” said Venerable Shi Zhende, Chief Abbott at the Buddha Toenail Temple at Anson road and acting spokesman of the IRO.

“Religion has been treated like a spurned lover after a one night stand. People look for god or Buddha when they are in need. Then they forget to give thanks when their wishes are fulfilled. Organised religion is running out of money,” Shi said.

In an three-hour-long joint presentation attended by two CHC members and the press, the NCMS and GIRO said that Ravi would perform five songs and a dance on July 28, taking over the position of Creative Director in the church.

“Ravi displayed tremendous knowledge of all religions during his Hong Lim Park performance when he talked about Yin, Yang and invoked God with several Hallelujahs,” said Bishop Berry “Richie” Richard, president of the NCMS.

“With CHC’s reputation in shambles now, we believe that Ravi is our last hope to restore the membership numbers in Singapore’s megachurches, by making prosperity theology accessible to all religions, classes and races,” said Bishop Richard, adding that it was important for outsiders to refrain from speculation, judgement or prejudice before the conclusion of the CHC case.

“There’s a clear difference between passing judgement and telling the truth. If you don’t believe in God, if you don’t depend on Him to make every decision for you, if you don’t clear your mind for His presence, you will go to hell. It’s like a doctor telling a cancer patient the bad news. I’m sorry you have to hear that,” he said when asked about the definition of judgement.

Indeed, like Kong Hee, Ravi has had a reputation for performing miracles.

On one hand, Kong Hee amazingly managed to misappropriate S$50 million amid the 2008 recession, the Eurozone crisis and a worldwide economic slowdown and convinced his congregation that his pop singer wife’s eurotrash songs were created as a cunning ploy to spread subliminal christian messages.

On the other hand, Ravi has managed to keep the grim reaper from drug mule Yong Vui Kong for five years and defended various suckers from Lee family lawsuits without actually being thrown into the can yet, or being bankrupted.

“This is a sign of a man blessed by God. Ravi also has pastor Kong’s high cheekbones, I think very handsome,” said Faith Foo, a 17-year-old CHC member and budding actress currently working on Jack Neo’s tenth instalment of “Money No Enough”. Her friend, Trust Tin Noh Wan, however, was more sceptical.

“How do we know he’s not the devil in disguise?” asked Tin, also a budding actress. “Ravi does so many cases that don’t make money. That doesn’t fall in line with what pastor Kong taught, which was that God wants us to make tons of cash. He might teach people the wrong thing in the end,”

New Nation understands that Ravi is in the midst of recording his next single “Indian Toddy”, which will be released in a Taiwanese movie next year. The album is currently funded by secret society “Jalan Kayu 369“, but Ravi says additional funding or tips from Wyclef Jean will be welcome.

A Muslim representative from MUIS could not be reached for comment due to Ramadan.

For more crackpot stuff, click on the videos below:

“Water doesn’t like to be insulted” – Kong Hee

M Ravi’s Hong Lim Park performance

Kong Hee endears himself to the masses…

Kong Hee endears himself to the masses…

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… as media reporters and camera personnel take taekwondo and Jujutsu classes in lead-up to trial-of-the-century on July 25.

On June 27 outside court, loyalists clashed with media resulting in a lot of photographs of sweaty palms and crotches.

In a bid to endear himself to the public-at-large and rehabilitate his image before his trial-of-the-century is scheduled to start on July 25 for allegedly performing sorcery on church funds, City Harvest Church founder Kong Hee has forced the shutdown of DiarySG, a semi-popular Singaporean parody YouTube channel that takes the mickey out of everyone.

DiarySG officially went down on July 10, a day after receiving a letter from CHC asking them to cease using the church’s material in a video montage that is unflattering.

Before its unexpected closure, DiarySG was known to have taken the mickey out everyone except Lawrence Khong and Joseph Prince, who are spared because they are deemed to be not popular enough compared to Kong Hee and his wife, Sun Ho, who is a singing legend here and in the US and A.

Forcing the shutdown of an indie YouTube parody channel with a copyright infringement claim is widely seen as a calculated move to increase Kong Hee’s widespread popularity and lovability.

Which resides mainly in his congregation.

This is because the entire DiarySG archive of funny montages spanning two years worth of work has been erased due to the actions of him and him alone — one man who could, on hindsight, just politely ask to have his video removed without anyone noticing, but didn’t.

Self-styled political pundit, Eric de Yaya, said: “Applying a sledgehammer to a fly is visually exciting. But people, who do appreciate the lighter side of things and with a heart of forgiveness, will remember this for a long, long time to come. With hate in their hearts.”

However, the death of one parody outlet shall spawn the rise of other surrogate channels.

Which is also why, with less than two weeks to the the trial-of-the-century, mainstream media reporters and camera personnel are undergoing an unusual training routine.

With carbo-loading regime a part of their job scope now to gear themselves up for non-stop reporting when the trial starts, this will inevitably provide plenty of material for satirists to work with.

Photographers and video camera personnel are even taking Jujutsu and taekwando classes, with many signing up for courses to learn how to break their fall with martial arts expertise.

This move is largely inspired by the events outside of court on June 27, where a scuffle involving plenty of flailing hands broke out between CHC hardliners/ loyalists and innocent members of the press who just wanted to document something of importance, namely the exit of a pastor of a megachurch from court who was just formally charged with something big.

Media photographer finds new job after Pastor Kong Hee scrum

Media photographer finds new job after Pastor Kong Hee scrum

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He also thanks City Harvest Church for curing him of all his infirmities.

Most cameras managed to capture photos of crotches and sweaty palms.

A scuffle that broke out between the media and Pastor Kong Hee’s tribe of supporters outside the court on Wednesday has led one photographer to switch career overnight.

During the dry hump bonanza that has been widely reported due to the massive amounts of flailing hands, one of the members from the City Harvest Church entourage was heard shouting at a photographer while waving frantically into his camera lens: “Why don’t you go and get another job?”.

The photographer, who wanted to be known as Simon Peter, recounted the incident and said: “I found it quite miraculous that the City Harvest supporter said exactly the same thing as my editor when I returned to the office later that day.”

All the photos he took showed crotches and sweaty palms, with no traces of Pastor Kong Hee’s countenance, or his wife, Ho Yeow Sun’s goldy locks.

Simon said: “I had to go back to my editor and twiddle my thumbs while looking sheepish.”

That was when he was informed by his editor to get another job.

Simon claims that his colleague had it better as he managed to pull off one shot of the beleaguered pastor that will be going down into the anals of history.

(Pic stolen from Mr Brown's blog.)

Simon reasoned: “I was deluded but now I’m not. I thought I was just as good a photographer, but obviously, my colleague is better. I’m just an indie Instagram hipster.”

So, far from being hurt and broken, Simon is grateful to City Harvest and their tribe for the split-second brush and healing touch that cured him of all his infirmities, such as his delusion, besides giving him a new career.

Simon, said thankfully: “After I got fired, I applied for a new job. Now as an investment banker, I don’t have to waste my time fiddling with knobs and buttons.”

“And instead of wasting my time photographing celebrities like Sun Ho, I can now sit in the office, count and wear a suit. I make 90 grand a year. Easily”

City Harvest Church is free to use this story as testimony for their prosperity message during Sunday service.

Co-workers fight over City Harvest Church fiasco after trading insults

Co-workers fight over City Harvest Church fiasco after trading insults

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It started as an innocuous debate about the City Harvest Church fiasco during lunch break. Things got a little heated, however, when two buddies working in an IT firm wouldn’t back down from their stand.

One of them, Alex Tan, a fervent member of City Harvest Church and an obedient fanboy of founding pastor Kong Hee, who was charged in court for financial misconduct.

The other is Roland Oon, a pimpled-face IT assistant and keyboard warrior who enjoys trolling Christians for sport. Read the full story