Tag Archive | "gardens by the bay"

Laneway S’pore 2016 concertgoers blame themselves after thoroughly enjoying festival

Laneway S’pore 2016 concertgoers blame themselves after thoroughly enjoying festival

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They feel guilty for knowing most of the bands playing.


Several thousand hipsters and indie types — mainly baristas and freelance designers — went into a depressive spiral and collapsed dramatically on the ground as if their world had been sapped of all colour and turned monochrome like a filtered picture.

This occurred at the end of St. Jerome’s Laneway Festival Singapore held at The Meadow at Gardens By The Bay on Jan. 30, 2016.

This after the indie concert festival attracted tens of thousands of concertgoers who initially thought they would be nonchalant towards, befuddled by and unresponsive to the line-up of music acts no one has heard of, but it turned out that they were cognisant of the performers and their wide repertoire of songs.

Dan Weirdbeard Lim, one of those who attended the concert sporting a man bun, onesie and a pre-pubescent Asian stubble even though he was almost 34 years old and should have been gainfully employed, said: “I was looking forward to not looking forward to the concert and did my best to hide my enthusiasm by constantly having a scowl on my face.”

“Unfortunately, age must have caught up with me as I found myself tapping my foot and breaking into a slight smile the moment I walked into the venue and heard a familiar song playing on the speakers.”

“Worse, I actually mouthed the lyrics.”

His sentiments, however, were not unusual as it was shared by thousands of other hipsters who thought they were each unique like a snowflake in their own way.

They too had thought they would be among the 30 people who would go to such a festival and were in for a terrible time.

Unbeknownst to them, they did not stand a chance when they tried to pull a long face to showcase one’s decision to be moody and oxymoronically unperturbed.

Theodore XXGentrifiedYY Lim, another concertgoer, said his festival experience went from bad to fatal when he almost fainted after seeing a fellow classmate at Laneway: “After catching myself out on several occasions unconsciously tapping my finger against my thigh to the music, I looked up and saw a classmate of mine who went to Jay Chou’s concert last time at the SportsHub.”

“And then I looked next to me and saw a group of people sitting on a mat, sharing food and smiling to one another.”

“What have I become? Part of the mainstream?”

Other attendees said their idea of a terrible festival time was marred the moment the name Charlie Lim rang a bell and they found his vocals familiar.

Things then went utterly pear-shaped when thousands of concertgoers felt glee the moment acts such as CHVRCHES and Purity Ring took to the stage to wild applause.

Susan XOXO Capricious Tan, another concert-goer, said: “I’m so ashamed I clapped and cheered so loudly and couldn’t contain my emotions.”

“I acted like one of those fan girls who just saw One Direction walk out of the airport arrival hall.”

“Worse, during the 15-minute intermission between set changes, I was going “Woooooo!” and shouted “Encore!” at least twice. And the entire crowd joined in.”

“And I made eye contact with this person I did not know who was beside me, like we could relate.”

“This is unbecoming behaviour. We were all so ashamed and red-faced when the lights came on when the whole festival ended.”

For next year’s festival, concertgoers hope the organiser can make the venue bereft of sound and lavatories.






Authorities censor Gardens By The Bay cactus that grew longer than originally planned

Authorities censor Gardens By The Bay cactus that grew longer than originally planned

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Asian species of cactus wasn’t supposed to be this long.


Authorities scrambled to rectify a situation Wednesday after a species of Asian cactus residing in the Flower Dome at the Gardens By The Bay was discovered to have grown to an unacceptable length, mimicking the Sub-Saharan African variety.

Saying how they had not anticipated what could have excited the vegetation to grow so quickly or to engage in such mimicry possibly as a result of genetic mutation, planners of the carefully curated greenhouse will allow the authorities to step in to censor the vulgar vegetation as it is not in line with the state’s image as a virginal paradise that embraces Asian Values.

See Baey Tng, a source familiar with the situation, said: “Singapore is still a conservative Asian society and we cannot allow Western, or even African, influences to penetrate our way of life.”

Singaporeans from all walks of life who like to protect their virgin eyes from dirty things, said they support the authorities in taking a firm and hard stance against the cactus by cutting it off.

Jin Tit, a local, said: “We must cut this cactus off before it puts unattainable standards in the minds of our local women.”

“We must put an end to such immoral cultivation practices.”


Singapore is all about Asian Values:

NTUC FairPrice to sell canned Asian Values as product rises in popularity

S’pore’s censorship board ex-staff confess: ‘We turned gay after repeatedly reviewing R21 content’










Indie Laneway Festival 2015 fails yet again after attracting 13,000 mainstream people to attend

Indie Laneway Festival 2015 fails yet again after attracting 13,000 mainstream people to attend

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Concert hits all the wrong notes.

Another year, another failure.

Another year, another failure.

Several thousand hipsters and indie types — mainly baristas and freelance designers — went into a fit and stomped off angrily at the end of St. Jerome’s Laneway Festival Singapore held at The Meadow at Gardens By The Bay on Jan. 24, 2015.

This after the indie concert festival that was supposed to be attended by at most 100 indie people, attracted more than 13,000 mainstream attendees and caused the event to become popular with the hoi polloi.

Dan Weirdbeard Lim, one of the festival goers who was angry at the large crowd who turned up, said the organiser of Laneway this year did not heed concerns expressed last year, when the same event was oversubscribed: “This festival is too popular yet again. I honestly didn’t pay hundreds of dollars for a concert experience that is similar to watching Coldplay live.”

“And where are all the bands that no one has heard of?”

This concern of being too popular that violates the hipster vibe was also articulated by others.

Theodore XXGentrifiedYY Lim, a concert-goer who was disappointed last year, said this year’s experience is worse than 2014 as the the people who attended this time behaved in an unruly manner: “What was really horrible was that the crowd actually knew the words to most of the songs played by the bands and the audience even sang along. I even saw many of them waving their hands and looking like they actually enjoyed being there.”

“This just goes to show that these so-called indie bands already have a following, which is a big no-no for me and a bigger no-no for an indie festival.”

To add insult to injury, other concert goers who were distraught said they did not feel unique or special like a snowflake as more and more people were starting to dress alike due to the ever larger attendance and globalisation.

Eric QuaintBespoke Chua, who specially bought an outfit off an online site to attend Laneway, said in a crestfallen voice: “I thought I was unique in my get-up of matching blue short sleeve shirt and shorts with cloud prints, but turns out there were at least 50 others who showed up in onesies.”

“Luckily I brought my own flower garland to wear on my head, thinking I would be the only one and would really differentiate myself from the rest of the crowd.”

“But turns out there was a booth selling flower garlands for the head. And worse, it was only going for $18. So cheap! No wonder so many people were wearing it.”

Other problems surfaced at Laneway include the lack of navels, which was hugely disconcerting, as concert-goers said they only saw “a few thousand” exposed belly buttons.

Worse, there were only several hundred beards with flowers in them.

Elison d. Marco XOXO Lim, said: “An event can only be considered indie if the ratio of exposed navels to people is one is to one.”

“Or else, this is really no different from a Jay Chou concert.”


Laneway Festival in Singapore is failing even worse every year:

Indie music Laneway Festival 2014 deemed a failure after massive crowd attended






SPH diversifies into wedding planning

SPH diversifies into wedding planning

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Singapore’s main newspaper publisher SPH is launching a news wedding planning department, said a spokesperson on Wednesday.

“We received a huge number of enquiries on where to get $50 weddings, since the Amy Cheong case came out. It was then we decided that there was a market for budget weddings,” said department chief, Flora Pereira.

The first product, a mass wedding on the 11th of November, has already been launched. For just $388, couples get admission to the Flower Dome and a high tea buffet for six guests. Passion card members get a $20 discount.

“We live in modern times and what better way to celebrate modernity than getting married in a fake forest with a horde of other couples who’re also squeezing for space,” Pereira said.

“This prepares the couples for real married life in an HDB flat, where privacy will be a thing of the past,” she said, pointing out that marriage counselling by experts will also be included in the package, together with newspaper coverage on Chinese tabloid Lianhe Wanbao.

“Budget weddings ensure you can get married and divorced quickly at low cost. That should reduce the number of single people in the country,” said Mdm Lao Char Bor, who has been married three times.

“When my Ah Hua gets married two months later, I’ll be sure to invite my PAP MP as the VVIP for the event. But I thought that there should be more discount for PAssion card members. Maybe SPH can also tie up with NTUC so we can claim free wedding packages with our link points,” she said.