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Top 12 reasons why Alex Tan should emigrate

Top 12 reasons why Alex Tan should emigrate


It’s for his own good. No, no, really.

Alex Tan Zhixiang, Internet martyr and founder of The Real Singapore blog (which we politely decline to add a hyperlink to because it is so screwed up), recently wrote a letter to SBS using “F*** Yous” in place of punctuation and subsequently apologised for his lapse for not using commas appropriately or when necessary:

And now that he looks uncouth with the maturity of an 11-year-old, the bespectacled one has publicly stated he is emigrating to the US or Australia because he cannot take it here anymore:

Alex Tan is bidding adieu.

We feel that it is only right that we give him that push that will egg him on in this irreversible decision to give up his Singapore citizenship.

It will be for the better of all of us. But it is really for his own good. No, seriously.

So, to encourage him to make that bold step, here are the Top 12 Reasons Why Alex Tan Should Emigrate to the US.

12. When he goes out of Singapore, he will become a foreigner. Then he can turn the hate on himself.

11. He can have freedom of speech. All he wants. Because no one in US can understand his Engrish.

10. He can put his oratory election public speaking experience to good use. “Thank you for visiting Wal-Mart! Hope to see you again!”

9. And then finally earn a minimum wage.

8. He can also start one more website called The Real America to host Google Ads.

7. He’d have some more political parties to join.

6. He can befriend Fareed Zakaria and Johan Lehrer. They can form The Plagiariser Club.

5. He’ll finally get to smoke pot. It will legitimise his ranting.

4. He can tell everyone in the US he managed to make Singapore a better place. But also by not mentioning he did so by leaving for good.

3. He can eat shit and leave. (That’s if he forgets his commas again. But if he remembers, it’s his prerogative to eat, shit and leave.)

2. He can come back to Singapore as a Foreign Talent. And he can write about how he hates himself – hence, producing a new genre of fiction.

1. America is naturally more forgiving of failures and mistakes.