Tag Archive | "city harvest church"

M Ravi to lead congregation at City Harvest Church

M Ravi to lead congregation at City Harvest Church

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By Aihaven bin Ittin Sins Mornin

Human rights lawyer and dance extraordinaire Ravi Madasamy has been called to lead City Harvest Church (CHC) in their congregation this weekend, according the National Council of Megachurches and the Group of Immense Religious Organisations.

Currently under severe media scrutiny for the state of his mental health, the eccentric Ravi had apparently impressed a member of the NCSS during his traditional dance performance at Hong Lim Park last Monday. Decked out in a garland, makeup and a gold belt, he charmed a crowd of 40 people as he told Lee Kuan Yew to “go fly kite” and that there were vampires in the Empire State building.

“We need people like Ravi to bring faith back into the world,” said Venerable Shi Zhende, Chief Abbott at the Buddha Toenail Temple at Anson road and acting spokesman of the IRO.

“Religion has been treated like a spurned lover after a one night stand. People look for god or Buddha when they are in need. Then they forget to give thanks when their wishes are fulfilled. Organised religion is running out of money,” Shi said.

In an three-hour-long joint presentation attended by two CHC members and the press, the NCMS and GIRO said that Ravi would perform five songs and a dance on July 28, taking over the position of Creative Director in the church.

“Ravi displayed tremendous knowledge of all religions during his Hong Lim Park performance when he talked about Yin, Yang and invoked God with several Hallelujahs,” said Bishop Berry “Richie” Richard, president of the NCMS.

“With CHC’s reputation in shambles now, we believe that Ravi is our last hope to restore the membership numbers in Singapore’s megachurches, by making prosperity theology accessible to all religions, classes and races,” said Bishop Richard, adding that it was important for outsiders to refrain from speculation, judgement or prejudice before the conclusion of the CHC case.

“There’s a clear difference between passing judgement and telling the truth. If you don’t believe in God, if you don’t depend on Him to make every decision for you, if you don’t clear your mind for His presence, you will go to hell. It’s like a doctor telling a cancer patient the bad news. I’m sorry you have to hear that,” he said when asked about the definition of judgement.

Indeed, like Kong Hee, Ravi has had a reputation for performing miracles.

On one hand, Kong Hee amazingly managed to misappropriate S$50 million amid the 2008 recession, the Eurozone crisis and a worldwide economic slowdown and convinced his congregation that his pop singer wife’s eurotrash songs were created as a cunning ploy to spread subliminal christian messages.

On the other hand, Ravi has managed to keep the grim reaper from drug mule Yong Vui Kong for five years and defended various suckers from Lee family lawsuits without actually being thrown into the can yet, or being bankrupted.

“This is a sign of a man blessed by God. Ravi also has pastor Kong’s high cheekbones, I think very handsome,” said Faith Foo, a 17-year-old CHC member and budding actress currently working on Jack Neo’s tenth instalment of “Money No Enough”. Her friend, Trust Tin Noh Wan, however, was more sceptical.

“How do we know he’s not the devil in disguise?” asked Tin, also a budding actress. “Ravi does so many cases that don’t make money. That doesn’t fall in line with what pastor Kong taught, which was that God wants us to make tons of cash. He might teach people the wrong thing in the end,”

New Nation understands that Ravi is in the midst of recording his next single “Indian Toddy”, which will be released in a Taiwanese movie next year. The album is currently funded by secret society “Jalan Kayu 369“, but Ravi says additional funding or tips from Wyclef Jean will be welcome.

A Muslim representative from MUIS could not be reached for comment due to Ramadan.

For more crackpot stuff, click on the videos below:

“Water doesn’t like to be insulted” – Kong Hee

M Ravi’s Hong Lim Park performance

Media photographer finds new job after Pastor Kong Hee scrum

Media photographer finds new job after Pastor Kong Hee scrum

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He also thanks City Harvest Church for curing him of all his infirmities.

Most cameras managed to capture photos of crotches and sweaty palms.

A scuffle that broke out between the media and Pastor Kong Hee’s tribe of supporters outside the court on Wednesday has led one photographer to switch career overnight.

During the dry hump bonanza that has been widely reported due to the massive amounts of flailing hands, one of the members from the City Harvest Church entourage was heard shouting at a photographer while waving frantically into his camera lens: “Why don’t you go and get another job?”.

The photographer, who wanted to be known as Simon Peter, recounted the incident and said: “I found it quite miraculous that the City Harvest supporter said exactly the same thing as my editor when I returned to the office later that day.”

All the photos he took showed crotches and sweaty palms, with no traces of Pastor Kong Hee’s countenance, or his wife, Ho Yeow Sun’s goldy locks.

Simon said: “I had to go back to my editor and twiddle my thumbs while looking sheepish.”

That was when he was informed by his editor to get another job.

Simon claims that his colleague had it better as he managed to pull off one shot of the beleaguered pastor that will be going down into the anals of history.

(Pic stolen from Mr Brown's blog.)

Simon reasoned: “I was deluded but now I’m not. I thought I was just as good a photographer, but obviously, my colleague is better. I’m just an indie Instagram hipster.”

So, far from being hurt and broken, Simon is grateful to City Harvest and their tribe for the split-second brush and healing touch that cured him of all his infirmities, such as his delusion, besides giving him a new career.

Simon, said thankfully: “After I got fired, I applied for a new job. Now as an investment banker, I don’t have to waste my time fiddling with knobs and buttons.”

“And instead of wasting my time photographing celebrities like Sun Ho, I can now sit in the office, count and wear a suit. I make 90 grand a year. Easily”

City Harvest Church is free to use this story as testimony for their prosperity message during Sunday service.

Co-workers fight over City Harvest Church fiasco after trading insults

Co-workers fight over City Harvest Church fiasco after trading insults

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It started as an innocuous debate about the City Harvest Church fiasco during lunch break. Things got a little heated, however, when two buddies working in an IT firm wouldn’t back down from their stand.

One of them, Alex Tan, a fervent member of City Harvest Church and an obedient fanboy of founding pastor Kong Hee, who was charged in court for financial misconduct.

The other is Roland Oon, a pimpled-face IT assistant and keyboard warrior who enjoys trolling Christians for sport. Read the full story

Reader forgives government for maligning City Harvest Church

Reader forgives government for maligning City Harvest Church

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Dear Editors,

I am deeply saddened by the reactions of netizens to the arrest of my dearest pastor Kong Hee. As a long time member of City Harvest Church, the public clearly does not understand the sacrifices he had to make in the name of God.

When I first received Sun Ho’s Chinese pop CD in 2003, I thought to myself: “what kind of devil’s music is this?” But as I listened more, it began to dawn on me that I was being overly prudish and she was actually spreading the word of God in the form of Satan-worshipping music to beat the devil at his own game.

Indeed, the more involved I became at the Church, the more I began to understand that I could not even begin to comprehend God’s plan and the plans pastor Kong had for me, and the church. You see, I am but mortal. Pastor Kong was the chosen one. Read the full story