Tag Archive | "censor"

Authorities censor Gardens By The Bay cactus for growing longer than originally planned

Authorities censor Gardens By The Bay cactus for growing longer than originally planned

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Asian species of cactus wasn’t supposed to be this long.

immoral-cactus

The Singapore censorship board scrambled to rectify a situation Monday after a species of Asian cactus residing in the Flower Dome at the Gardens By The Bay was discovered to have grown to an unacceptable length, mimicking the Sub-Saharan African variety.

Saying how they had not anticipated what could have excited the vegetation to grow so quickly and so thickly, or to engage in such mimicry — possibly as a result of genetic mutation — planners of the carefully curated greenhouse will allow the authorities to step in to censor the vulgar vegetation as it is not in line with the state’s image as a virginal paradise that embraces Asian Values.

See Baey Tng, a source familiar with the situation, said: “Singapore is still a conservative Asian society and we cannot allow Western, or even African, influences to penetrate our way of life.”

Singaporeans from all walks of life who like to protect their virgin eyes from dirty things, said they support the authorities in taking a firm and hard stance against the cactus by cutting it off.

Jin Tit, a local, said: “This sort of cactus has no place in our Singapore society. Now they appear in public in a glass dome, next thing we know, Singaporeans will use it as an aspirational ideal where more people will aim to emulate such lengths and heft.”

“We must cut this cactus off before it puts unattainable standards in the minds of our local women.”

“We must put an end to such immoral cultivation practices.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





NLB to introduce self-pulping machines for select library members

NLB to introduce self-pulping machines for select library members

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Subversive books, be gone.

By David Tan

recycling

In response to growing calls for the National Library Board (NLB) to introduce greater transparency into its book reviewing process, the NLB has announced a new scheme to help improve the efficiency of its book filtering process.

Dubbed the Centralised Elimination, Neutralisation and Selection of Offensive Reads (CENSOR) programme, the new scheme will allow for select privileged members of the library to remove material they deem incompatible with the NLB’s pro-family stance and dispose of them at self-pulping stations to be installed in public libraries island-wide.

Tu Shu Guan, a spokesperson for the NLB, said: “We have over the past few days received an overwhelming number of book removal requests to ensure that our collection is in line with our pro-family stance, which is why we are turning to the community to help us ensure the ideological purity of our book holdings.”

Tu also said: “We are extremely thankful that Singapore’s conservative community has agreed to step up to the plate to help us in this public engagement scheme, and we have granted them all privileged library member status so that they can automatically pulp whatever books they find offensive within our collection.”

With the CENSOR programme in place, it is estimated that the amount of time required to review a book will be reduced from two days to just five minutes, allowing the NLB to address its current backlog of book removal requests.

Tu added: “All pulped books will be recycled back into paper, which will be used by the NLB and members of Singapore’s conservative community to write new pro-family books to restock our library shelves.”

How do we know Singapore’s film censors are not perverts?

How do we know Singapore’s film censors are not perverts?

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Media Development Authority needs to clarify why they are not perverts to re-instate public’s good faith in them.

The critically-acclaimed British movie Shame, which is about sex addiction and released last year to rave reviews, will not be screening in Singapore.

This is because the Media Development Authority’s Board of Film Censors gave it a R21 rating and wanted to cut a group sex scene, but the movie’s director refused as he didn’t want any alterations to be made to his work just so it can please the sensibilities of a bunch of red-tape bureaucrats.

Despite an appeal, MDA made it clear it will not let the movie pass without a cut.

So, distribution plans for the movie here have since been canned.

Apparently, the censors, who wield sharp scissors, refused to let the public-at-large watch a “prolonged and explicit threesome sex sequence” after they themselves watched it.

How hypocritical.

In a statement, an unnamed (and red-faced) MDA spokesman said: “After consulting the Films Consultative Panel on the film Shame, we are of the view that the prolonged and explicit threesome sex sequence has exceeded our classification guidelines.”

That means, in technocratic speak, not only did the censorship board watch the sexually explicit footage together in the confines of their cosy viewing room, (while eating popcorn, perhaps), they sat around later fantasising, I mean erm… talking about it, such as its pros and cons.

As if any further clarifications might help, the anonymous MDA spokesman also said that “for titles that may be controversial, MDA will consult the Films Consultative Panel, which comprises members from various professions, age groups and races in Singapore, to seek community views prior to making a decision.”

This means that people of certain privilege will get to watch censored material before everyone else does.

And this is the part that is troubling.

Pray, tell: How do we, the public-at-large, know for a fact and with certainty that none of the people inside the Films Consultative Panel are in fact perverts?

How do we know for sure they didn’t manoeuvre their way to get into the Panel just so that they can watch sexually explicit movies (without paying) that will leave most moist or swollen?

Recently, a lot of men of high standing were figuratively caught with their pants down for patronising a prostitute.

And no one thunk this sort of thing could have happened.

So how do we remain convinced there are no perverts residing in the MDA’s midst?

How?