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SMRT new CEO to perform miracles

SMRT new CEO to perform miracles

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Insurmountable problems abound besides ensuring commuters don’t have to do the tunnel walk of shame that often.

Desmond Kuek, the new boss of SMRT, is expected to perform miracles to turn things around.

SMRT has sworn in a new chief in the form of Desmond Kuek, a 49-year-old former Chief of Defence Force, who has made the giant leap from the military to a quasi-military organisation that is still linked to the government.

As the new boss, he has his work cut out for him already because he is left to deal with what’s left of a train system that is increasingly falling apart due to the population explosion.

One of the top priorities for Desmond is to ensure that trains run on time and are not subjected to break downs (ever again) that will result in Singaporeans dry humping one another.

Based on past experiences, the buttocks-to-buttocks-to-crotch rubbing was unpleasant for many a Singaporean.

Next, the new boss must also ensure that the air con inside the trains cannot be too cool or too warm. Either way will lead to discomfort and cause commuters to express their hate on Facebook and Twitter. This will cause SMRT’s share price to nose dive.

Also of great importance is the need to prevent all passengers from flatulence. Breaking wind in a confined space is to be made into a criminal offence punishable by death.

Desmond must also make sure that Stomp, the xenophobic thrash site by Singapore Press Holdings run by nincompoops, do not any how write articles saying the train doors open to Narnia.

He would also have to ensure that when the train is packed full of people, the doors can still close without trapping people’s buttocks or crotches.

He must also ensure that all elderly and those with difficulty with mobility have a place to sit. All the time.

More importantly, he must also make sure the glass panels do not have residue from people’s hair gel or oily scalps after leaning on it.

Outside of the train, he must make sure that everyone stands on the left of the escalator because it is the right thing to do. People can only stand on the right if that is what is left to do.

He must also make sure that Happy Lemon, the stall that sells bubble tea at Tanjong Pagar Xchange, does not run out of green tea. This is because every time I want to order Green Tea Rock Salt and Cheese after lunch, they say they don’t have green tea any more. Like that how to have a complete meal and balance lifestyle, right?

Last but not least, he must encourage the PAP potentate to take the train with him more often. So that they will repent and apologise for not seeing things from the perspective of ordinary Singaporeans.

With so many issues to tackle, Desmond must be thinking he should have just retired and gone to the Bahamas.