Categorized | World

Tags : ,

Protestors demand death to the West, but will spare iPads and Adidas for now

Posted on 17 September 2012

From Hayibo

Furious protestors demanding death to America and its Western allies say they will spare brands like Nike, Manchester United and Apple “for now”. Likewise, they say, Israel must be obliterated, but they will keep using Jewish medical inventions. “The Great and Little Satans are the source of all evil, but iPads and insulin can stay,” said one protestor.

Western embassies continue to be besieged after the discovery of an online film that insults Islam, despite calls for calm from North African and Middle Eastern governments. However, according to Moroccan protester, Yusuf Yusuf Yusuf, the reaction is entirely fair.

“We had three choices: either recognize that the film is particularly obvious internet trolling that will be watched by about fifty people and otherwise ignored; mount a class-action lawsuit against the film-maker in the United States and sue him into bankruptcy to make sure he never does this again; or go ape-shit, burn stuff, and generally reinforce stereotypes about religious fundamentalism,” said Yusuf. “Now let’s burn them! Geez, bra, watch out for my sneakers, they cost like fifty bucks.”

Fellow protestor, Abdul Angri Ghai, said that the attacks were about more than the film.

“The pervasive influence of America on the world is evil and wicked. America is like the tripods in War of the Worlds, the Spielberg version. I’ve got it on DVD if you’re interested, totally legit copy, pay no attention to the handwritten label.”

He added that it was also time to wipe Israel off the map.

“But, because we are merciful, we will not also obliterate Jewish medical inventions, like insulin, or chemotherapy, or pacemakers, or the cure to tuberculosis,” he said. “Oh, and I think Jews also invented nuclear bombs. We’ll keep those, too.”

Meanwhile theologians say the current wave of protests raise important issues in the ongoing global debate called ‘My God Can Totally Beat Up Your God’.

“If you’re religious you kind of have to pay attention to this,” said Dr Stig Mata. “I mean, we’re seeing Muslims storming embassies of Christian countries and not a single protestor is getting smited. If there is a god, it’s looking a lot like a Muslim one. Sorry, Bible Belt.”

But, he said, he would rather be praying to the wrong God than to no God at all.

“The alternative is too depressing. If you don’t believe in any gods, then all you’re going to be seeing is people regressing to a mob that’s been whipped into a killing frenzy because a bigoted mouth-breather with a Youtube account insulted its imaginary friend.”

This post was written by:

- who has written 268 posts on New Nation.

Joey is an intern at New Nation. He hopes to be as funny as Belmont one day and get laid at least twice a month.

Contact the author