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Medical device invented to alleviate heavy hearts

Posted on 25 September 2012

A revolutionary medical device has been invented to reduce the symptoms found in Acute Cardiac Inflammatory Disease (ACID), which includes a “heavy” feeling in one’s heart and is aggravated with increased use of the social media. Other symptoms include an inability to take criticism, different opinions, jokes, a delusion of self-importance and a tendency to politicise everything.

“After years of investigation we found that ACID only affects PAP politicians and hardcore opposition supporters,” said Yeh Tak Chek, leader of the medical development team at the National University of Singapore.

“I read the note written by Lawrence Wong (Senior Minister of State for Education and Information, Communications and the Arts) and it showed all the classic symptoms of ACID. I’m not sure if he realises it, but the more he spends time online talking to people who aren’t scared shit about facing repercussions for giving honest feedback, the worse his symptoms will get,” he said.

The earliest records of ACID date back to 1324 AD when Sang Nila Utama named the island Singapura after spotting an animal that looked like a lion. When one of his servants pointed out that it was likely to be a tiger, and not a lion, the Srivijayan prince promptly fed him to the animal, ending all disputes.

“That was one of the earlier strains of ACID,” said Yeh. “The disease used to spark terrible bouts of anger and violence. Like the feeling you get after stubbing your toe against the table leg. But the bacteria has since evolved into a milder version, which causes extended periods of moping and melodrama about the state of the nation.”

The device has not been released for commercial production yet, but is already in the beta testing stage. Researchers noted that the side effects of the treatment include growing bigger balls and having thicker skin.

“We encourage all PAP politicians actively using the social media to promote the national conversation, to go for treatment as soon as possible,” said Sing Zhang Bing, a spokesperson from the Health Promotion Board.

“God knows what would happen to them when people actually start being honest. If all the politicians spend their days moping around after every negative comment, we’d get nothing done in parliament,” she said.

For more succinct information, read CNA’s 534-word report on Lawrence Wong’s 559-word Facebook post.

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- who has written 2685 posts on New Nation.

Wang Pei can be considered a new citizen of Singapore. She has been here all her life, just that her environment's changed beyond recognition.

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  • uncle gong gong

    BEL you are brilliant ,uncle gong gong like your writing , chong beng a gein na…

  • Gintai

    Lol! Langgar! Like that also can? Brilliant!

  • Wayang Fan

    beri good! i especially like the part abt hardcore oppo supporters sharing the same disease as PAP politicians. LOL!
    this national conversation is a huge wayang, at ALL levels. it also buys PAP time to pursue as per “normal” current policies for at least a year. so dont expect things to change much within the few months: trains will get more crowded, housing prices stay sky-high, citizens get screwed by healthcare “subsidies” and civil liberties curtailed.