MOE to relaunch Virginity Protection Programme for teachers

Posted on 05 July 2012

Programme is making a comeback to ensure more teachers remain undefiled, responsible and morally upright.

Abstinence and mainstream values key to remaining sexually inexperienced.

The Ministry of Education is relaunching its controversial Virginity Protection Programme for single teachers fresh out of university to turn as many of them as possible into unmarried virgins.

According to a valuable inside source, the official standing order announced internally in the ministry this morning is that bachelors and spinsters who have never experienced penetration make better teachers who have mainstream values and are held up to be mascots of abstinence.

This conclusion was arrived at after a 30-minute round-table discussion and coincided with the news that an ex-MOE scholar who was found with kiddie porn while studying in Britain two years ago while on scholarship has been charged with porking an underage girl in Singapore after he came back.

Wanting to be known as Miss Tan, the insider source who cannot speak officially yet but who is too excited to remain silent about this new development, said: “The Virginity Protection Programme will end all problems caused by morally loose individuals who are single but yet are sexually experienced. It served our education system well before, and it will do so from now on with this comeback.”

Started in 1965 shortly after Singapore gained independence, the Virginity Protection Programme was a semi-secretive attempt at social engineering by the State.

Although never officially acknowledged till today, the experiment involved randomly selecting hundreds of single teachers every year from schools all over the island and imparting them with survival skills to protect their virginity.

The various skills at maintaining chastity include: Wear a perm, don only floral prints, teach Chinese, pull a long face and refuse to put down the cane even after office hours.

The initial plan was to make these skills available to all male and female teachers.

However, due to a hiccup, the process to pick subjects for the programme in 1965 suffered from non-random selection as statistics then was associated with withcraft.

As a result, almost all teachers who were eventually chosen to participate in the programme were exclusively Miss Tans.

This explains why all students who studied in Singapore have encountered at least one unsmiling teacher named Miss Tan, who displayed the symptoms mentioned above and was old having devoted her entire life to the teaching service.

But as the sexually inactive participants suffered high levels of irritation, a disposition to frown, feeling unloved and uptight and displaying a propensity to cane things furiously, the programme was officially discontinued in 1985.

That was also the same year HIV was invented, and a year after General Election 1984 where the PAP failed to capture all seats in parliament for the first time since 1963.

Even though supporters of the programme since then have been working silently over the years plotting for the Virginity Protection Programme’s return, the two decades of implementation from 1965 to 1985 has been credited ever since in internal circles in hush-hush tones for producing the high math and science scores every year during Singapore’s formative years.

And if this comeback causes the past symptoms of participants to continue to re-emerge and persist, MOE is considering handing out chastity belts as the next line of action.

This post was written by:

- who has written 2685 posts on New Nation.

Wang Pei can be considered a new citizen of Singapore. She has been here all her life, just that her environment's changed beyond recognition.

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  • Azrafael A. Razak

    Not sure if trolling, or actual fact of religiously biased lobbyists in our country.

  • Mr Tan

    Nonsense. Im a male teacher and I never put my cane down.

    If you know what I mean.

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