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People who frown on youths drinking are judgemental camels

Posted on 12 March 2012

An irate binge-drinking youngster writes to us.

Dear Editor,

The reason youngsters drink is because they are not camels.

No, seriously.

If people are camels, they don’t have to drink all the time to feel satiated or high.

It’s the same reason why people eat – depending on whether they are hungry or horny – either pie or pussy.

Which is why experts are dead wrong about youths drinking.

Experts quoted in The Sunday Times on March 11 claim that youths drink more these days because the young ones have got more disposable income, the practice has become socially acceptable, there is a lively partying culture and an easy availability of alcohol.

As far as I can tell, these are not reasons.

These are excuses made up by stuffy and boring researchers who claim to be “experts” but who actually walk around in a bow tie while clenching a pencil between their buttocks to demonise the youngsters who do not share the same values of being a teetotaler.

Let’s look at the basics.

And I mean, let’s look at the God-given biology and faculties of humans.

Jesus drank alcohol. And that made him a god.

And other mortals drink because they’ve got a mouth. The mouth leads through the gullet into the stomach. And when a substance such as alcohol, food or semen reaches the stomach, people feel happy.

Yes, people can drink water if they’re thirsty.

But the word “thirsty” has been overrated and overused. Because thirsty is what happens if you’re stuck in the desert and you’re tempted to drink your own urine.

So, water is what you drink if you’re in survival mode.

So, in other normal circumstances, what people are feeling is not “thirst”. People are feeling desire.

And as we all know, desire is what drives people to do great things.

It could be the making of a great movie or epic love, desire is what keeps the world going round.

To do is to allow society to function. To abstain is to die.

Therefore, when me and my friends drink, we make society dynamic.

Look, if you want to talk about moderation and abstinence, here’s an example why it sucks.

I’ve been to numerous “parties” hosted by my parents or their friends who are literally suit-wearing stuffy types and they serve some safe variant of alcohol called “wine” or fruit juice.

These functions are usually hosted by people who are either dull, pompous or sober.

People stand around looking very serious and they end up talking about policy-making, corporate life, what makes business class travel special and all kinds of mundane things.

After they are done, they go home and sleep.

That’s preposterous!

Where is all the shouting?

Why the suppressed laughter?

Why aren’t the adults coming onto each other?

Where is the camaraderie?

In fact, where is the calamari? Why doesn’t anyone serve calamari at these suit-wearing functions at all? Because calamari is too low class?

That’s because they’re not drinking enough.

They might as well be camels.

Sincerely,
Binge Drinking Non-Camel

This post was written by:

- who has written 2685 posts on New Nation.

Wang Pei can be considered a new citizen of Singapore. She has been here all her life, just that her environment's changed beyond recognition.

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EPUXJK4LVJPVKI6TDLIZQPNZR4 Chris

    Articles like this is why this is my new favorite SG website. Cheers!

    – A Newcomer to Newnation