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Not to be outdone, Singapore welcomes world’s tenth ‘7 billionth baby’

Posted on 31 October 2011

A Singaporean Chinese baby boy was the third child today to be given the honor, following the examples of Philippines and India. This is a satirical piece.

Photo: storyvillegirl

Singaporean Maximilus Aloysius Tan, a healthy newborn boy, is officially the world’s 7 billionth baby to arrive.

His mother gave birth to him in a very packed hospital ward filled with frantic media, relieved relatives, and a very happy government minister.

Chan Chun Sing, the acting Minister for Community Development, Youth and Sports, said, voice cracking: “I’m so happy for Singapore, the new parents, and the citizens. I can’t believe we are just the tenth country to have the 7 billionth baby in the world!”

Eager watchers have anticipated the birth of the 7 billionth baby for some time now, which has caused an arms race months in the making. The UN had previously declared today the symbolic day the baby would be born.

Minister Chan popped a champagne and proposed a toast to the happy family minutes after the birth occurred. The room was decorated with confetti, balloons, and a year’s supply of milk powder, courtesy of Nestlé.

The father, Alex Tan, who is also a President’s Scholar, was beaming from ear to ear. “I am very happy to be selected by the government for this wonderful oppurtunity,” he said. He was seen giving the peace sign to the photographers right next to the tired-looking wife.

Philippines, which is predominantly Catholic, was the first to declare the milestone, but controversy arose when the parents were found by the tabloids to be regular users of birth control.

India was second. As a nation of one billion people, it had a statistically high chance of winning the arms race.

But Minister Chan was quick to raise a caveat: “Technically, Singapore is still the first, because we’re the first to give birth to a Chinese boy. Am I right?” he said, asking members of the media to raise their hands if they agreed with him.

All did so dutifully.

A lot of hard work was put in by the Ministry to make this possible. Months before the fateful day projected by the UN was to arrive, the government already had an audition in place to select the right couple. Tests were administered to gauge their IQ levels and knowledge of parenting.

National University of Singapore Mathematician Lee Kek Tong was in charge of assessing Singapore’s chances.

“To be precise, we had a 100 percent chance of getting the 7 billionth baby. But we want to make sure we’re among the first to achieve the feat, not the 100th.”

While many have congratulated the Singapore government for their success, other countries were not so lucky.

The Malaysian government, which too has been preparing for this day for a long time, declared that their version of the 7th billionth baby must be Malay. This is in line with the country’s Bumiputra policy, which favors Malays over other races in terms of economic opportunity.

“Not Indian, not Chinese, not even Orang Asli, but Malay,” Prime Minister Najib Razak emphasized to the press a week ago.

But as a result of a bureaucratic mistake, the Prime Minister’s entourage turned up at the wrong hospital. The baby they welcomed turned out to be a Chinese girl.

Left red-faced, the Malaysian government has not answered media queries about whether they would be seeking another baby.

The US was another country that had a fruitless day. President Barack Obama condemned the Republicans for stalling congressional talks on the ‘7th Billionth Bill’, which if passed, would dictate that their 7th billionth baby would be born to parents that were independent of any political party.

While Tea Party members derided the Bill as unconstitutional since all babies are equal under the law, other Republicans deemed this exercise a waste of resources.

“We don’t need to add to our budget deficit,” said Republican House speaker John Boner, “unless we can guarantee that the parents can home school the child and raise him up to be a God-fearing person.”

President Obama, in his weekly address to the nation, expressed his disappointment that the Bill could not pass.

“In this time of great economic uncertainty, we Americans need to feel hope and remind ourselves that we are still the number one country in the world,” he said.

Meanwhile, China has become the next country after Singapore to have their 7 billionth baby. Surprise, it’s a Chinese boy. Weibo, China’s version of Twitter, lit up with comments about the baby minutes after the birth, as state media trumpeted the occasion as a “landmark event”.

But some citizens are critical.

“China is a morally degraded society. Must we see another child raised up only to be knocked down by a truck and ignored by strangers?” tweeted LanJiao20.

So far, 31 countries have declared their own symbolic ‘7 billionth babies’. All of them are developing countries, save for Singapore.

This post was written by:

- who has written 2685 posts on New Nation.

Wang Pei can be considered a new citizen of Singapore. She has been here all her life, just that her environment's changed beyond recognition.

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  • BryanTittuppy

    This is what you call satire? Weird.

    • newnationsg

      @BryanTittuppy haha then what do u call it?