Categorized | Fashion

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Now, women can pee standing up

Posted on 13 July 2011

Fang Shihan checks out the P-Mate, a device that lets you do just that. End result — Penis envy.

Being able to pee standing up won't make you feel like god. But it's still pretty cool. Courtesy QooEnviro (left), Hans Taal at fotopedia.com (right)

LADIES! Have you ever wanted to – quoting Russell Peters out of context – be a man and do the right thing? That is, to pee standing up and actually hit your target?

This gender challenged author says…NO! Peeing while resting on a toilet bowl does have its advantages – you can read a magazine, ruminate about life, rest your legs after a tired day at work, all while engaging in the purely biological activity of expelling liquid waste.

Men on the other hand, have to contend with urinal politics, aiming their instrument to target pee into a tiny sinkhole two inches in diameter. Not to mention having to be alert at all times for fear of overly friendly neighbors sneaking a peek.

Unenjoyable as it may seem, it’s certainly worth an experience just to see why anyone would have penis envy.

P-Mate test 1 – using the device at optimal circumstances

4/5 stars

Portable and discreet. It even comes packed nicely in an envelope.

The P-Mate, imported by liquid waste management company QoolEnviro, resembles a paper cone from the Kachang Puteh man more than a replacement dick. It’s simple enough to use- – you open it up, unfold, pee into it and the golden shower is funneled into a steady stream.

While it was (honestly) quite cool to be able to aim a stream of pee at virtually anything, the novelty turned into slight annoyance as I discovered the first crucial flaw of the P-Mate. It did not pass the drip test.

See, men are able to shake off the last trickle by giving a little wiggle of their instrument but women usually sit on for awhile longer, waiting for that last drip to dribble – not onto their underwear or (god forbid) down their legs.

The P-Mate obstinately refused to capture that last drip. So there I was, standing, one hand on the wall and the other holding the P-Mate, fumbling for toilet paper to prevent that last drop from offending my clean underwear.

Annoying, but otherwise a good experience even minus the novelty value.

P-Mate test 2 – at work

3.5/5 stars

The P-mate didn't pass the skinny jeans test.

The P-Mate boasts of making life more convenient for women, and reducing peeing times. From a corporate perspective, a reduction in aggregate man-hours for workers of a whole gender category translates to cost savings.

Ain’t gonna happen.

For the P-Mate to take off, it has to be compatible with various fashion trends. Many of which place neither comfort nor convenience at a premium. Take for example, skinny jeans or even flared bottom pants that are invariably fitting at the bum.

There’s no way the P-Mate can be used as an extended pee device without the user taking her pants off. Firstly, the P-Mate is cardboard and extremely foldable – you can’t stuff it in your pants. Secondly, female undergarments weren’t designed with inserts for pee devices.

To use the P-Mate you still need to pull your pants down to half-thigh level. And given that tight pants take more time to put on (ie. you need to suck in your gut, make sure your shirts are tucked in properly, adjust your underwear to prevent a visible panty line etc), the overall time savings are negligible.

Besides, peeing with one’s legs strapped with a pair of tight pants isn’t exactly the most pleasant experience in the world.

Verdict: Not suitable for work. Unless fashion trends begin to support loose pants.

P-Mate test 3 – in public toilets

4.5/5 stars

A very disgusting toilet in a JB kopitiam. You wouldn't want to be putting your ass anywhere near this rim. P-mate = lifesaver.

This doesn’t happen often anymore but back in the 80s and early 90s, squatting on toilet seats used to be a commonplace. You heard me right, squatting on a seat meant to cradle your bum. As a result toilet seats were often filthy and ‘unsittable’.

Women with strong thighs however, had an advantage by being able to hover their bums while in a half-sitting position. This effectively mimics a sitting position on a toilet bowl without having to actually come in contact with the seat.

No worries for the lesser-muscled. The P-Mate evens the game by letting women use toilets, no matter how filthy the seats are, and no matter how badly the last patron of the cubicle has ‘bombed’.

So even if it doesn’t pass the drip test, hell, having the P-Mate around during a full bladder will pretty much save you from wetting your pants with a waterfall.

 

P-Mate test 4 – in public

4.5/5 stars

The P-Mate also boasts of being a handy devise during rock concerts when porta-potties are scarce and concert goers frequently have to relieve themselves outdoors.

All that’s cool if you’re a dude. No one’s going to see your ass.

Ladies on the other hand face the inconvenience of having to squat to do their business outside. Imagine the backlash if a woman had her buttshot caught on STOMP.

Besides rock concerts, other events that often don’t provide enough toilets include the various endurance sports events in Singapore, particularly the Standard Chartered Marathon.

I was there last year and boy, was the toilet queue long. And the longer you stop running, the harder it will be to get the engine running again. So while I patiently waited 20 min to enter the portable toilet, men could merely run to a nearby shrub or drain, take out their trunk, finish their business and be off in five minutes or so.

The P-Mate changes the game. If marathon organisers this year provided P-Mates outside all female porta-potties, queues could be shortened, runners would cramp less and all female runners will be happier in general.

Conclusion

Resident androgynoid gives a thumbs up to the P-Mate. I give it an
average of 4/5 stars.

Read more toilet articles here.

This post was written by:

- who has written 268 posts on New Nation.

Joey is an intern at New Nation. He hopes to be as funny as Belmont one day and get laid at least twice a month.

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