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The Holland Village troll

Posted on 26 March 2011

Alvin Phoon lets rip on Samantha, the girl who criticised heartlanders on radio.

Photo: Choo Yut Shing / Creative Commons

THE 1,000 peeps to Holland V in Singlets, Shorts and Slippers Day event on facebook has exceeded the target crowd by more than 100 people. If you’re wondering what’s the big fuss about wearing a singlet, shorts and slippers to Holland V, because you do it all the time, maybe you should listen to this:

To summarise the rather hilarious clip: Some chick called Samantha called up 91.3FM on Friday to rant about how heartlanders were invading the cultured atmosphere of Holland Village. And they should stay in their little heartland areas like Ang Mo Kio or Bukit Batok.

“Enough is enough!” so the troll rawred to the Married Men, as she espoused a philosophical gem, encapsulating her vision of an ideal society in those oh-so-succinct 2 minutes. If anything, one could call this passion. For vigour, for culture, for the bourgoisie café-hopping lifestyle accessible to only those who exclude the unworthy.

Years of separation and alienation from her own people had clearly crystallized her view of who the heartlanders were. Uncouth, uncultured, impolite, slipper-shorts-singlet-wearing plebeians.

Samatha knew she needed backup and with one little nifty adjustment – switching the “I” to the similarly monosyllabilic “We” – she transformed herself into the bastion of Holland V-styled civility.

“I just can’t understand why the people from the heartlands want to come here…” Samantha questioned. Her defensive stance immediately evident, as if at some point in her life she was left behind by loved ones, forced to fend for herself but through loneliness and independence, found strength. Strength that hath convinced her, that companionship was redundant.

Her lips asked ‘why are they coming here’, but her heart cried ‘where were they when I needed them’.

“We people are cultured, but you heartlanders are definitely not cultured…” Samantha struggled to hold it together as her mind swerved from the carpool lane into the express lane. Her angst so clear, her hatred for society ever present.

But one opinion does not social exclusion make. Samatha knew she needed backup and with one little nifty adjustment – switching the “I” to the similarly monosyllabilic “We” – she transformed herself into the bastion of Holland V-styled civility.

The DJs took the bait as they told Samantha to stay on the line while they scrambled to seek a counterweight. She taunted the world, all while savouring the sweet trickles of revenge.

The triumph was apparent. She was right after all. The world hath no clue what they’re doing and she, the matyr for the bygone cause of social exclusion had to say, firmly, “only the cultured shall pass”.

The cards were turned, and she just rivered the hell out of us.

That or she’s just a hugely unintelligent wanker.

Editor’s note: We do not know at this point of time if this was all a hoax.

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- who has written 230 posts on New Nation.


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  • Dave
  • From Bala to Balla

    Wow. I am extremely impressed. I have never read an article by a Singaporean as funny and well structured as this. You blow the wankers ,and their pathetic attempt at humour , from all the major newspapers in Sinagpore clean out of the water. Bravo sir. Bravo.