No need to compare, parents of school-going children assured.
Singaporeans from all walks of life, who have always thought the schools they personally attended while growing up were the most haunted in Singapore, can finally put their self-centred beliefs aside.
This after the authorities have reiterated that Singapore will be getting rid of school rankings for good in a bid to de-emphasise comparisons across the board to instead focus on the merits of each and every school.
One education authority spokesperson, Kao Di Yi, said the benefits of not focusing on rankings will give parents of school-going children the assurance there is no fear of missing out: “Parents need not worry that their offspring is not getting the most out of their education just because he or she is not in a particular school.”
“Even though there have been many articles online speculating about which schools in Singapore are more haunted, we need to remember schools are all haunted in their own unique way, but at the same time, still largely similar throughout.”
“As Singapore moves away from a ranking-based education system, we also at the same time want to emphasise that just like how all schools are good schools, all schools are haunted schools.”
The education authorities also reiterated that it is looking into ways to make the haunting at each and every school more standardised.
For example, all schools will have at least one female toilet cubicle that is perpetually locked to give the impression that there is something hidden within that cannot be let out, causing students to speculate what lies within.
Other measures would be for teachers to show students that it is rather impossible to carry out an abortion in the toilet or science lab by oneself, as it is simply too noisy, and then flushing the foetus down the toilet and making it out without causing a commotion or letting a teacher see the bloody trail left behind is just not feasible.
This will allow students to come up with more feasible ways their school can be haunted, such as flickering lights and loud banging door sounds during after-school hours to signify there are spirits.
All of these measures will be carried out in a bid to promote creativity within limits and to show that experiences in different schools do not differ that much, given that everyone’s imagination is still limited by certain logical principles and propensity to call out overly elaborate and implausible fraudulent claims.
All schools will also be equipped with a “creepy corner” near the Design and Technology building, where it is rumoured that a lady with long hair and a young child are frequently seen wandering past asking for help.
Parents who heard of these measures said they are heartened that the chance of their children getting possessed and meeting a poltergeist is the same all over Singapore, regardless of socio-economic background or location.
One parent, Kua Teo Qwee, said: “The last thing I want is for my child who goes to a neighbourhood school to meet a Pontianak, while his cousin who goes to a SAP school gets to meet a gentlemanly ghost who converses in crisp Queen’s English while wearing a monocle and top hat.”
“This kind of disparity must be done away with.”
“Or else, I have to make a trip to see my MP during Meet-the-People session again.”