Tag Archive | "Singapore"

Parliament passes hipster control bill, patronising pretentious cafes to be made illegal

Parliament passes hipster control bill, patronising pretentious cafes to be made illegal

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No more sale of brunch during brunch hours.

By Antisera

laneway-littering

Following Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s outcry about the mess left behind by hipsters at the Laneway Festival 2015 held at Gardens By The Bay on Jan. 24, 2015, parliament has passed a bill in response to ban brunch food in Hipster Control Zones.

These include Jalan Besar, Tiong Bahru and Haji Lane, areas densely populated with hipster cafes.

PM Lee’s call for a “truly clean city” on Jan. 28 motivated a search for the root cause of public littering in Gardens by the Bay.

The source of the littering — reportedly detected through routine data analyses of Instagram hashtags — was found to be hipsters, a subdomain of people that has been growing in size in Singapore who are founded by a culture built upon asserting music supremacy, sustaining the sales of overpriced lattes and most recently, flippant littering.

hipster-instagram

The Hipster Control Bill will ban the sales of hipster brunch food by cafes between 10am to 5pm island-wide.

According to a MP who tabled the motion to discuss the piece of legislation, the bill is primarily aimed at hipsters and serves to minimise public disturbance in the form of littering, incessant DSLR photo-taking, and the obnoxious blasting of songs by universally popular obscure bands, all of which has greatly risen in occurrences since 2011.

Mixed reactions have been sparked off by the new law.

A supporter of the bill, Pin Fan Ren, said: “This ban is good. If I cannot drink my Tiger after 10.30pm, then they also cannot drink their latte before 2pm.”

“Don’t like anything, just ban. Like that then fair.”

On the other hand, the bill has been accused by some as a blunt instrument that compromises the freedom of non-hipsters.

Bu Kong Pin, a heartlander, said: “Now I cannot eat my Ya Kun eggs and drink Teh-O at 11am anymore.”

“I also never anyhow throw! How come cannot just ban hipsters only?”

However, cafes said they are not significantly concerned about dips in revenue with the passing of the Hipster Control Bill.

One cafe owner explains: “This won’t be a problem at all. In fact, I think the government forgot one important part of the cafe scene… We have All Day Breakfasts.”

The bill will come into effect in early March.

 

Singapore hipsters complain:

Indie Laneway Festival 2015 fails yet again after attracting 13,000 mainstream people to attend

Customers cook, wash plates & pay for meal as dearth of S’poreans in F&B sees restaurants go fully self-service

Customers cook, wash plates & pay for meal as dearth of S’poreans in F&B sees restaurants go fully self-service

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Customers must prepare, cook and serve food by themselves, for themselves.

self-service-restaurants

As the food and beverage industry prepares itself for the worst in expectations of being hit hard by manpower shortages in the next few months due to lesser and lesser Singaporeans taking up jobs waiting tables and serving food, a brand new dining concept is expected to hit our shores.

Called “fully self-service restaurants”, they are expected to be launched island-wide at 28 different locations.

The restaurants are colloquially named “Cook Yourself”, a reference to Singaporeans’ poor grammar and concise speak.

Fully self-service restaurants would see customers buying their own raw ingredients to the F&B eatery, preparing the food, cooking them in the restaurants’ kitchens and serving the food to themselves, as the number of locals working in the industry continues to dwindle.

All these without a single service staff employed by the restaurant to get in the way.

This latest concept is less a marketing gimmick than a bid to overcome the foreseeable and prolonged manpower shortages in the volatile F&B industry, where nation-wide cuts in foreign labourers will see eateries closing down or coming up with new ideas to survive.

How the self-service restaurants function is quite similar to regular restaurants. Except customers are expected to do everything themselves.

The restaurants will only be providing tables, chairs and air-conditioning, besides napkins and the complementary plate of peanuts.

CEO of Cook Yourself, Kar Kee Lai, said: “Being able to prepare your own meal would empower Singaporeans to do more with their lives.”

Customers can call to make prior reservations, provided other customers are on hand in the restaurant to answer their calls and take their reservations.

Otherwise, all seating and availability in the kitchen will be based on a first-come-first-serve basis.

Customers are expected to take turns using the restaurants’ kitchen to marinate and cook their own food. After which they must wash their own dishes.

They have the option to cook for other customers, but all profits will be paid to the restaurant.

The collection of payment is also self-service and they can choose to pay by cash or card. The cash register will be manned by customers.

The last few customers who finish dining at night will be expected to mop the floor and close up before they leave.

Anybody who tries to cheat, will be referred to The Police.

Who will come by and taser you.

 

More F&B news in Singapore:

Hawkers cook tastier food when Gordon Ramsay showed up

Gordon Ramsay opening 50 chili crab restaurants in S’pore

Indie Laneway Festival 2015 fails yet again after attracting 13,000 mainstream people to attend

Indie Laneway Festival 2015 fails yet again after attracting 13,000 mainstream people to attend

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Concert hits all the wrong notes.

Another year, another failure.

Another year, another failure.

Several thousand hipsters and indie types — mainly baristas and freelance designers — went into a fit and stomped off angrily at the end of St. Jerome’s Laneway Festival Singapore held at The Meadow at Gardens By The Bay on Jan. 24, 2015.

This after the indie concert festival that was supposed to be attended by at most 100 indie people, attracted more than 13,000 mainstream attendees and caused the event to become popular with the hoi polloi.

Dan Weirdbeard Lim, one of the festival goers who was angry at the large crowd who turned up, said the organiser of Laneway this year did not heed concerns expressed last year, when the same event was oversubscribed: “This festival is too popular yet again. I honestly didn’t pay hundreds of dollars for a concert experience that is similar to watching Coldplay live.”

“And where are all the bands that no one has heard of?”

This concern of being too popular that violates the hipster vibe was also articulated by others.

Theodore XXGentrifiedYY Lim, a concert-goer who was disappointed last year, said this year’s experience is worse than 2014 as the the people who attended this time behaved in an unruly manner: “What was really horrible was that the crowd actually knew the words to most of the songs played by the bands and the audience even sang along. I even saw many of them waving their hands and looking like they actually enjoyed being there.”

“This just goes to show that these so-called indie bands already have a following, which is a big no-no for me and a bigger no-no for an indie festival.”

To add insult to injury, other concert goers who were distraught said they did not feel unique or special like a snowflake as more and more people were starting to dress alike due to the ever larger attendance and globalisation.

Eric QuaintBespoke Chua, who specially bought an outfit off an online site to attend Laneway, said in a crestfallen voice: “I thought I was unique in my get-up of matching blue short sleeve shirt and shorts with cloud prints, but turns out there were at least 50 others who showed up in onesies.”

“Luckily I brought my own flower garland to wear on my head, thinking I would be the only one and would really differentiate myself from the rest of the crowd.”

“But turns out there was a booth selling flower garlands for the head. And worse, it was only going for $18. So cheap! No wonder so many people were wearing it.”

Other problems surfaced at Laneway include the lack of navels, which was hugely disconcerting, as concert-goers said they only saw “a few thousand” exposed belly buttons.

Worse, there were only several hundred beards with flowers in them.

Elison d. Marco XOXO Lim, said: “An event can only be considered indie if the ratio of exposed navels to people is one is to one.”

“Or else, this is really no different from a Jay Chou concert.”

 

Laneway Festival in Singapore is failing even worse every year:

Indie music Laneway Festival 2014 deemed a failure after massive crowd attended

S’pore to become smoke-free island by 2016

S’pore to become smoke-free island by 2016

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Only three mobile outdoor smoking points will be available at any given time.

nee-soon-smoking-point

After pushing through with legislation to successfully ban alcohol consumption, eating and travelling in public after 10.30pm, Singapore is planning on going smoke-free by 2016.

This means that no one is allowed to smoke outdoors publicly at any time of the day in a bid to make Singaporeans healthier.

But to cater to those who still want to puff their cancer sticks, a grand total of three designated smoking points will be allocated on the whole island.

Each designated smoking area will be three-by-three metres and have walls to hold smokers in. And they will all be mobile.

A health authority, Sio Hoon Kee, said the reason for this is simple: “As there are only three designated smoking corners for up to two and a half million smokers in Singapore, it is essential that we space them out and move them around so everyone can use it.”

There will not be a fixed schedule as to where the smoking points will be located next and it is not known how many areas it will cover in a day.

However, anyone caught smoking outdoors outside the perimeter of the designated smoking corners will be punished by being banned from smoking and they will be ordered to carry the mobile smoking corner around for a week and become a passive second-hand smoker.

 

Everything is banned in Singapore:

Government bans ’69’ sexual position

Cigarettes, alcohol completely sold out as S’pore announces plan to increase taxes from today

S’pore to ban eating in public after banning alcohol consumption in public after 10.30pm

Tan Tock Seng Hospital to ban all staff from using Facebook, social media

S’porean woman’s true love’s kiss saves police officer from eternal curse of cardboard existence

S’porean woman’s true love’s kiss saves police officer from eternal curse of cardboard existence

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Story is empowering as it subverts notion that it must always be the man who saves the woman.

police-singapore-cardboard

A Singaporean woman rescued a police officer from becoming a cardboard standee for the rest of eternity.

This was after she broke the three-year-old curse by kissing the cardboard standee on the mouth as she thought it would be kind of cute to take a selfie of that, slap on a filter and put it on Instagram.

Little did she realise that her thoughtless action of one-way transfer of bodily fluids was the key to break the spell that was put on the police officer by his superiors, who felt that he was a threat as he was on a fast-track promotion in the police force since graduating from the police academy in 2012.

The local woman, Hen Ai Ni, said she kissed the cardboard standee spontaneously as it was a very Gen-Z thing to do these days: “I was shy but I thought I should do what my heart leads me.”

However, eye-witnesses who saw her plant the kiss said the woman was clearly standing around suspiciously for more than 20 minutes waiting for the coast to be clear and her actions indicated she must have planned the spontaneous kiss for at least a week before executing it.

But not that it matters to the man she rescued with her selfless display of affection.

The police officer in question, Senior Station Inspector, Baima Wang Zi, said he is forever grateful for the woman’s actions as she sacrificed her dignity to do something as extreme as subvert the cultural societal norms by being the one to make the first move and take the initiative.

Wang said: “If this task of taking the initiative to kiss a man just because she felt like it was left to other Singaporean women, I would have been a cardboard standee for the rest of eternity till the sun burnt itself out 5 billion years from now.”

He also said he immediately knew she was The One when she kissed him: “It had been quite difficult to get hard down there when you have been two-dimensional.”

The pair wasted no time in entering into congress.

 

Gender is all the rage in Singapore:

SAFRA releases new gym ad targeting men, undoes sexism of previous ad

S’pore to ban eating in public after banning alcohol consumption in public after 10.30pm

S’pore to ban eating in public after banning alcohol consumption in public after 10.30pm

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Travelling in public and making love at night will also be banned soon.

drunk-clark-quay

In a bid to become a vibrant metropolis and the top city in the world, Singapore is banning the public consumption of alcohol after 10.30pm once the Liquor Control Bill is passed in parliament.

This means that no one is allowed to be seen drinking or holding alcohol in public after 10.30pm. Violators will be shot on sight and survivors will be shot repeatedly.

The ban on the public consumption of alcohol after 10.30pm will also mark the start of a series of prohibitions to follow: Once alcohol has been successfully banned in public at night, eating and travelling in public after 10.30pm will also be banned.

A government spokesperson, Lim Kah Tor, said: “Anything can be considered a vice these days. If you eat in public after 10.30pm, you will grow fat because your metabolism slows down at night.”

“And when you grow fat, you will block people’s way when you go out. For example, you can keep left on the escalator, but it looks like you are still keeping right.”

“This will cause tempers to flare and people will get annoyed, fight and a full scale racial riot will break out like in the 1960s. Plus, with alcohol, things will get worse.”

“So, to prevent such catastrophes, we need to monitor the situation and then stop people from eating and travelling at night after 10.30pm and impose martial law and curfews and wind down public transportation services before dark.”

Locals who heard of the new proposed measures said they are heartened that their lives will be made better and more interesting as a result.

One local, Pah Kah Luan, said: “No wonder people in Singapore more likely to riot these days.”

 

Alcohol is the cause of all problems in Singapore:

Alcohol failed to cause riot at Clark Quay the past year since Little India riot occurred

Foreign workers rioted because they were feeling okay

Cigarettes, alcohol completely sold out as S’pore announces plan to increase taxes from today

10 moments S’porean women mistake normal human decency for independence

10 moments S’porean women mistake normal human decency for independence

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Since when did being a sensible person become so overrated it turned into independence?

singaporean-couple

New Nation has been criticised in the last few years for being overly successful in making Singaporeans laugh their asses off with our current affairs coverage.

As a result, we have been receiving emails about branching out and going into relationship advice for Singaporean men and women because hilarity is bound to ensue in this area of interest as ever since a time long ago when Man came out of a vagina, he has spent the rest of his days trying to get back into one.

Therefore, we will be giving relationship advice to Singaporeans, but by-and-large sticking to our belief in human decency and progressive politics, thus enshrining the United Nations concept of human rights because hey, did we just make you read that sentence?

Here are 10 moments where Singaporean women mistake normal human decency for independence and being strong-willed and some kind of statement to society that they are not really the fairer sex when, in fact, it is just a bunch of things any self-respecting human should achieve regardless of gender.

 

1. “I am an independent Singaporean woman because I do not let my man carry my handbag on my behalf.”

sg-man-handbag

Reality: Holding onto your own bag is your personal responsibility. No, wait. It’s actually human decency at the lowest level. Why would you want another human, who has rights and emotions, to sling that fugly thing on his arm? He is not a bag stand.

 

2. “I am an independent Singaporean woman as I need my breathing space.”

breathing-space

Reality: Everybody, including your pet cat, dog and hamsters — besides men, obviously — need breathing space. But here’s the thing: When women say they need breathing space, what they mean is that their men must abide by their schedule, not vice versa. But this obviously violates the United Nations Human Rights declaration that both men and women must be equal.

 

3. “I have a strong character because I can be excited on the inside but not show it on the outside.”

jack-russell

Reality: If you are no longer a kid in diapers or a Jack Russell, this is really a moot point.

 

4. “I am so independent I consider getting into a relationship a choice, not a necessity.”

ring-asian-woman

Reality: The truth is, some people — both men and women included — should not be in relationships and procreate because they are, deep down inside, terrible people. By not letting selfish, horrible, incorrigible people mate, it would really help preserve whatever shred of human decency that is left in our current gene pool.

 

5. “I am a strong person because I don’t need to follow my man wherever he wants to go.”

bus-driver-singapore

Reality: The man would be following her wherever she wants to go because he is the one who drives.

 

6. “I am strong-willed so I do not appreciate it if my man guilt-trips me.”

guilt-trip

Reality: For anyone to even contemplate the idea of guilt-tripping and the tit-for-tat mechanics behind it, she must still be stuck in an infantile stage in her life. Totally not ready for adult relationships.

 

7. “I am independent so I do not like needy people around.”

haw-par-villa

Reality: Deep down inside, she is not so much a terrible person but just really socially-awkward and tries hard to conceal that flaw by acting hardened towards others.

 

8. “I am independent as I will respect your opinions and I expect you to do the same with mine.”

women-quarrelling

Reality: The fact that anyone has to bring this up goes to show how immature she is. This kind of things are actually a given considering it is the 21st century. This is also one of the lowest levels of human decency any normal person must attain before being let out into polite society in the first place. So why the emphasis?

 

9. “I am independent and I would like a man with ambition.”

lee kuan yew

Reality: No one, independent or not, likes a slob. But when you have to emphasise you only like men with drive and ambition who can set goals and achieve them, you are being a discriminatory evil person who cannot value people for who they naturally are (i.e. someone who might occasionally be economically unproductive) but only see things in prices, value and worth. A very Lee Kuan Yew mindset.

 

10. “I am independent because I can give love as much as I receive it.”

monotheistic-god

Reality: This kind of thinking actually devalues dogs as a species, as they are unconditional love-givers, who are affectionate to their owners, regardless. This sort of thinking also gives rise to a selfish mindset that has afflicted society and not to mention also undermines the tenets of monotheistic one-directional love provided by an unconditional giving God, and hence, is offensive as an idea to the three main branches of monotheistic religion, namely, Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

 

Conclusion:

asian-lesbians

As you can tell by now, it is obvious that Singaporean women who consider themselves independent and strong-willed are actually displaying characteristics of human decency, which is something that should be a given.

But what these so-called self-proclaimed independent women are really doing is committing symbolic violence towards lesbians because their worldview is preoccupied with seeing independence and normalised relations as between man and woman, a status quo that will culminate in procreation as the final objective — a perspective that excludes single sex relations.

So, we can thus conclude, self-proclaimed independent Singaporean women are really anti-lesbians.

 

Other useful relationship advice for Singaporeans:

5 real reasons why more S’porean couples get divorced within 5 years of marriage

10 things you should never do when the S’pore Police shows up at your door

10 things you should never do when the S’pore Police shows up at your door

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Here are some of the no-nos in general.

singapore-police-lady

You might have read recently that the Singapore police allegedly went around in the night to personally deliver notice letters asking some individuals to assist in investigations relating to the Return Our CPF protest at Hong Lim Park on Sept. 27, 2014.

This caused quite a bit of a hoo-ha because police should be out catching thieves instead of doing DHL services.

As a result, some have even gone through all the bother to come up with a list of things one should do in preparation if the Singapore police does show up at your doorstep one fine evening.

But that’s just assuming you have enough common sense to react calmly in the face of the police, especially when your mother is crying hysterically and your father has collapsed on the floor as he is now certain there is a criminal in the family tree.

 

Therefore, here is a list of 10 things one should never, ever do when the police shows up at your door unannounced:

1. Try to grab their revolver.

2. Open the door, close the door slowly, turn off the lights, squat down and pretend no one’s home.

3. Admit you were an accomplice in that case in Singapore last time where the ang moh guy killed another guy and dismembered him.

4. Say, “This is Minority Report, right? You’re arresting me for a crime that I will commit in the future?”

5. Say, “I didn’t call for strippers.”

6. Ask, “Eh McDonald’s delivery change uniform?”

7. Take out your student concession pass and shout: “CID! CID! I also CID!”

8. Call the police: “Hello? Police? Got police harassing me. Come quick.”

9. Ask, “Is this how I appear on Crime Watch?”

10. Push the gate open. And make a run for it.

 

Other listicles that are numbered:

5 real reasons why more S’porean couples get divorced within 5 years of marriage

7 signs God is going to destroy JEM mall in Jurong East by end of 2014

6 rainbow buildings in S’pore that have stood up for gay rights

S’pore nearly beat Juventus, needed just 6 more goals to win

S’pore nearly beat Juventus, needed just 6 more goals to win

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Unlucky Singapore could have made it a draw if they scored five goals.

pirlo

Singapore nearly beat Juventus on Aug. 16, 2014, at the new National Stadium, where the first-ever football match was being played there.

The match ended 0-5, with the Italian side getting very lucky by slipping five goals past Singapore, all of which could have been blocked if the Italians did not rely on their slick passing, superior stamina, strong character, hunger to win and having Lady Luck on their side.

The Singapore team had only needed just six more goals to end the match 6-5 and claim victory, but were unlucky as they were denied the chance to score from start to finish.

Minster of Sports, Baey Xia Suay, said: “Singapore was very close to winning even though Juventus kept scoring. The goals kept coming and the Italian side kept pressing ahead, attacked and defended well, dominated the match, but other than that, Singapore was superior on the other aspects.”

“However, Singapore could have done better if the field was tilted in their favour. The new stadium very high tech one, right? Can technology one, right?

“Also, it is the referee’s fault. He played a fair game when he should have been biased towards Singapore since we are on home ground.”

 

Tough luck, these other Singaporeans:
City Harvest Church goers regret not paying Sun Ho half million dollars to stop singing

Nigerian woman in S’pore who doesn’t have Ebola has urgent business proposal, giving away $10,000,000

Nigerian woman in S’pore who doesn’t have Ebola has urgent business proposal, giving away $10,000,000

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Her uncle was a prince and she needs a bank account in Singapore to transfer his inheritance.

nigeria-scam

The Nigerian woman in her 50s who landed in Singapore on Aug. 14, 2014, and was suspected to have Ebola but turned out to be negative, has issued a statement to the media.

!Abbey Ade, who claims her uncle was Prince !Abiola Oriowo, said: “I am here in Singapore to have a urgent business proposal for you.”

“My uncle was a stately prince but he passed away recently and my family has an inheritance of $10,000,000 and a lion. But we cannot move the sum of money because it is not safe.”

“I need to access a bank account here in Singapore because this country is international, recognised to protect from fraud.”

“World Bank Group and United Nation Organisation will give you authorisation to receive and confirm of payment by !Abiola Oriowo and you can only contact !Abbey Ade regarding this matter.”

“!Abiola Oriowo will make sure you receive the fund.”