Tag Archive | "Singapore"

S’pore open to talks with US & North Korea

S’pore open to talks with US & North Korea

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Please come back.

singapore-us-north-korea



Singaporeans from all walks of life, who have been dumped by their girlfriend or boyfriend before, can understand how Singapore feels at the moment.

This was after the United States president Donald Trump cancelled his meeting with North Korea leader Kim Jong-un and Singapore is left hanging as she will no longer be the venue to host this historic event.

One Singaporean, Bu Yao Zou, said: “Singapore is still open to talks with the US and North Korea.”

“It might look like we don’t need this summit to up our cred, but we do.”

“Please come back. Please. Please don’t go.”

“People will still think we are in China.”

Other locals said Singapore could suggest ways for US and North Korea to come back.

Another local, Kuai Hui Lai, said: “Singapore was so close to doing something historic.”

“Maybe we can come out to say we also are going to be a nuclear nation.”

“That would really draw international attention again.”

“Singapore is still open to talks. Please.”

 





No fake news in S’pore if S’poreans remained illiterate

No fake news in S’pore if S’poreans remained illiterate

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Literacy caused them to consume fake news.

literacy-fake-news



Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are literate, have found the source of fake news in Singapore.

This after they traced the origins of fake news to the ability to read and write, as a result of improved literacy over the decades.

One Singaporean, Jiang Yin Wen, said: “Fake news is only a problem if you can consume it. And the only way to consume it is to be literate.”

“Therefore, the policy of educating Singaporeans is wrong and should not have taken place.”

“If Singaporeans remained illiterate and uncommunicative, there will not be fake news in society in the first place because no one can consume it.”

Other locals said tracing the origins does not go back far enough.

Another local, Pian Ren, said: “There wouldn’t have been a fake news problem in Singapore if there was no Singapore.”

“It is either Lee Kuan Yew’s fault or Sir Stamford Raffles’ fault.”

“Therefore, there shouldn’t have been humans in the first place.”

“If there was no humans, there wouldn’t be any consumers, and so, there wouldn’t be fake news.”

 





Escobar to be renamed as Ass Cold Bar in S’pore

Escobar to be renamed as Ass Cold Bar in S’pore

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More appropriate.

ass-cold-bar



Singaporeans from all walks of life, who understand that a name is more than just a name as it can mean you take drugs and end up killing the entire population, are clapping their hands in approval.

This after drinking place Escobar in Singapore will be renamed as Ass Cold Bar as the authorities are not happy that a bar can be named after a drug lord because people might take drugs as a result and commit more crimes on the side, resulting in economic ruin.

One Singaporean, Zhen Hao Ting, said: “Changing Escobar to Ass Cold Bar would allow the name to sound the same, but different.”

“I’m sure the Singapore authorities must be proud of their achievement of making a bar change its name to something more appropriate.”

The new logo features a man freezing his ass off.

Other locals said changing names is a first step towards recognising that a name can be more than just a name.

Another local, Leng Ka Chng, said: “This will signal to Singaporeans and the rest of the world that Singapore is not about drugs and doing illegal things.”

“Ass Cold Bar is a much better representative of conservative Singaporean Asian values.”

“It will signal to the world Singapore is putting Section 377A in deep freeze.”

 





North Korean leader Kim Jong-un congratulates new S’pore president decisive win

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un congratulates new S’pore president decisive win

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Singapore praised for securing president without placating Western democratic sensibilities.

kim-jong-un-congratulates-singapore



North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has extended his congratulations to Singapore’s newest Malay president for achieving a solid decisive win without the need for an election.

This after an unemployed Indian woman overcame her race to become the newest Malay president of Singapore.

The congratulatory note sent via the only fax machine from Pyongyang to Singapore praised the establishment for engineering new electioneering norms that dispenses of the idea of holding elections, without earning the ire of the West.

The North Korean fax said: “His Supreme Leader is impressed by the Singapore system of president selection make mandatory for uniting the people in chance to choose great leader.”

“In North Korea, the people, hardworking and strong, must stop work for one day to cast their ballots for Supreme Leader, who is elected by winning the mandate of 100 percent of North Koreans, who are true Koreans.”

“In Singapore, the mandate of the people is won without a single vote cast. This makes you better than South Korea, which is ravaged by political turmoil and scandal because the people are weak and put individuals before country and are puppets of America.”

“This is an achievement that has not been invented even in the motherland, where elections are time for the people to renew their faith in the Dear Leader.”

“If North Korea follows Singapore method, Imperialist Pig America to launch attack threaten North Korea sovereignty.”

“But North Korea is brave and strong because united people vote for Kim Jong-un as number one leader of strong democratic nation to make protection from evil West.”

 

 





S’poreans feel racist asking woman of Indian descent to be Malay just to be president

S’poreans feel racist asking woman of Indian descent to be Malay just to be president

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That’s terrible.

halimah-yacob-malay-or-not

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know what is microaggression and misappropriation, are feeling queasy.

This after they feel racist asking a woman of Indian descent to be more Malay just so she can become the next president of Singapore.

One Singaporean, Ma Lai Ren, said: “If I had to become less of my own race just to fulfil someone else’s dream, I’d rather die.”

“In this case, I would rather Singapore not have a president.”

“We need to embrace Singaporeans for who they are, not make them somebody they are not.”

However, other locals said making race a fluid concept by allowing people of one racial group to transcend to another racial group would be beneficial.

Another local, Tng Lang, said: “This will really open up doors if Singaporeans achieve a more fluid racial identity.”

“It will allow us to identify better with one another as these false barriers are removed and Singaporeans can truly become one heterogeneous mix.”

“And it will also aid Tan Cheng Bock to become the next president as he will be more Malay by virtue of feeling he is so.”

“What a great concept.”

 

 





Messi mercifully leaves S’pore as he doesn’t want to personally destroy Lions

Messi mercifully leaves S’pore as he doesn’t want to personally destroy Lions

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Such a good god.

lionel-messi-merciful

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are referring to Lionel Messi as Lionel Messi the Merciful, are grateful and in tears.

This after the Argentinian forward and demi-god is skipping the match against Singapore after he initially arrived at Changi Airport only for him to depart again.

One Singaporean, Jin Gan En, said: “Thank you merciful Lionel Messi for leaving. If you played against Singapore, you might have destroyed the goal nets on both ends with your endless scoring streak.”

“Singapore might never recover from a 0-52 loss to Argentina.”

“52 years of nation building would go down the drain as a result.”

Other locals said Messi’s absence will boost the Lions’ morale after a shambolic 1-2 loss against Chinese Taipei.

Another local, Guan Jun, said: “Now that Lionel Messi is not around, Singapore might be able to concede less than 52 goals in one match against Argentina.”

 

 





PAP MPs ready to claim credit for darts duo impending championship victory

PAP MPs ready to claim credit for darts duo impending championship victory

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They are preparing to fly overseas to pose for photos.

darts-singapore-sports

PAP MPs from that particular walk of life, who like to claim credit when things go well and make learning points out of errors and move on when things go badly, are in pounce position.

This after a Singaporean darts duo Paul Lim and Harith Lim continued their winning run in the World Cup of Darts in Germany, as they beat Spain in the second round to progress to the final eight of the tournament.

One Singaporean, Yin Leow Loh, said: “It is good to see PAP MPs supportive of sports in Singapore.”

“After the sportsmen and sportswomen win.”

“Keeping a close watch on Singapore sports to celebrate wholeheartedly when there is a win must be made into a full-time job.”

“Takes a lot of expertise to do it.”

Other locals said politicians celebrating wins will also have its upside.

Another local, Shu Tng Kor, said: “It is funny how no PAP politicians claim credit for Singapore football’s abysmal results.”

“Shows you the true class of leadership we’ve elected.”

 

 





Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

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Gay scenes more potent than straight scenes.

gay-singapore

Thousands of Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are gay and happy, are shaking their heads in disbelief.

This after they found out that they are still gay despite being exposed to hundreds and thousands of hours of media featuring heterosexual scenes for years on mainstream media outlets but have not turned straight yet.

This follows the occurrences where straight people suddenly turn gay having watched or seen one scene featuring homosexuality, such as the recent Beauty And The Beast movie.

One homosexual Singaporean, Gao Geh, said: “I find it amazing that watching one scene featuring a gay person on screen can make a straight person engage in homosexuality, while I can watch endless hours of straight people in media hooking up and starting nuclear family units but am still gay as a nipple.”

“Something about a gay person on screen is such a potent force.”

Other locals said converting from one sexual orientation to another overnight should not be underestimated as this metamorphosis could stem from personal experience.

One homosexual local, Lai Zuo Ai, said: “Those who can become gay at the snap of a finger are gay from the start.”

“When anyone warns other people about becoming gay, they are actually warning themselves.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Foreigners in S’pore must only contribute economically, not politically or socially

Foreigners in S’pore must only contribute economically, not politically or socially

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Just work until die, please.

foreigner-in-singapore

Foreigners from all walks of life, who come to Singapore to give themselves to this country, are reminded they are only allowed to contribute to Singapore in an economical way.

This after it was announced that foreigners are not allowed to go to Hong Lim Park to show they have gay pride.

One foreigner, Wai Guo Ren, said: “As a foreigner, my services rendered to Singapore must only be in the realm of economics and increasing the GDP per capita.”

“I must not dabble in any other areas other than work, because I am just a cog in the Singapore machine.”

Other foreigners said they understand that Singapore is for Singaporeans.

Another foreigner, Lai Zuo Gong, said: “I must not show any emotions in public or express any opinion.”

“I must not show that I can take a stand on anything.”

“I must not do any socio-political stuff.”

“Actually by not doing anything, I have become just like a real Singaporean.”

“Yay.”





Argentina to beat S’pore 52-0 as part of SG52 celebrations

Argentina to beat S’pore 52-0 as part of SG52 celebrations

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Best way to celebrate.

singapore-vs-argentina

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to see a good decisive victory, are looking forward to June 13, 2017.

This is so as Argentina will play Singapore in a round of football and are set to score 52 goals against us as part of SG52 celebrations.

One Singaporean, Tak Kiu, said: “To lose by 52 goals is an honour.”

“This will show the world that Singapore is all about economic progress and socio-political stability at the expense of fluffy things like sporting excellence.”

“After this decisive loss is announced in the world media, other countries will know that Singapore has been and still is serious about investing in other areas that pay off economically.”

Other locals said conceding 52 goals at one time is not a big deal.

Gao Zhen Zhi, another local, said: “In local politics, the incumbent is always very proud to eke out a decisive victory.”

“If victories are decisive, so too will be losses.”

“And it is not a loss and no one’s fault as long as there are learning points from it.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore to merge with M’sia

S’pore to merge with M’sia

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Best news yet.

singapore-merge-malaysia

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to go overseas to buy groceries and pump petrol, are clapping their hands in glee.

This after Singapore will merge with Malaysia again.

One Singaporean, Qiu Hu Lang, said: “This means we go Johor Bahru buy things no need to bring passport already.”

“Some more S$1 is RM3. Shiok.”

“Instead of one Causeway can build a few more as more people will go in and out, to and fro.”

However, other locals said there will be downsides to this merger.

Kee Pah Yew, another local, said: “Malaysia will take it easy, Singapore will want to chiong all the way.”

“Then later Singapore split from Malaysia then Lee Hsien Loong go on TV cry.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans angry about Artbox ask Chee Soon Juan: ‘You sure our rights worth fighting for?’

S’poreans angry about Artbox ask Chee Soon Juan: ‘You sure our rights worth fighting for?’

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You serious?

chee-soon-juan-artbox

Thousands of Singaporeans from all walks of life, who feel flustered and angry about inconsequential bullshit such as how Artbox is too crowded for their liking, are asking some tough questions.

This after they felt Artbox is too squeezy and ruined their day and have come out to ask opposition politician Chee Soon Juan if he still feels he wants to fight for the rights of such Singaporeans who get upset about stupid shit.

One Singaporean, Didi Jiak, who got upset about Artbox having too many people, said: “All I care about is shopping and eating and wasting my money buying bullshit I don’t need.”

“Chee Soon Juan, do you still feel my rights are worth fighting for?”

“Do you still feel you ought to risk your life and family on behalf of me, a Singaporean who really doesn’t care either way as long as I get to eat and sleep and collect some year-end bonus?”

“Even I have a hard time convincing myself I am worth shit.”

Other locals said knowing Chee Soon Juan is willing to fight on behalf of his citizens can be quite confusing.

Another local, Bu Ren Shi, said: “It would be great if I even know who Chee Soon Juan is.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

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If not, Singaporeans might take life for granted.

infinity-pool-mbs

Singaporeans from all walks of life, even those from the 70 percent, are nodding their heads and looking thoughtful at what is to come.

This after Singapore is set to increase the overall cost of living by 30 percent to raise awareness of the importance of life, as the only way to know something is important is if it is expensive.

One Singaporean, Bu Yao Ming, said: “Sometimes Singaporeans take life for granted. It is good to remind them that life is important and the only way to draw their attention to it is to increase the overall cost of living.”

“If the price goes up, the importance goes up as well.”

“The greater the pinch, the higher up the priority list.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with increasing or decreasing prices as and when one feels like it.

Another local, Mai Huan Loh, said: “They can increase the price of PAP membership and still no one will care.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Arsene Wenger: S’pore govt as efficient with use of money as Arsenal

Arsene Wenger: S’pore govt as efficient with use of money as Arsenal

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Difficulty loosening purse strings would a good caretaker of finances make.

arsene-wenger-singapore-government

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who always bet against Arsenal when they enter the final 16 in the Champions League, are clapping their hands and nodding their heads in agreement.

This after Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger praised the Singapore government for being efficient with its use of money the same way his football club is in the transfer market, resulting in top half finishes but devoid of memorable silverware.

This is following home affairs and law minister K Shanmugam’s comment previously where he said Singaporeans must trust the government to be efficient with its use of money.

One Singaporean, Pang Pua Liap, said: “When you don’t spend on your club and country, you can only finish in the top half without much silverware.”

“When you are too prudent with the funds and disperse it only gradually, do not expect to see leapfrogging grand changes and achievements.”

Other locals said a brave new world with evolving tactics and strategies will require upping the ante and keeping astride with big moves and bold investments.

Another local, Jin Da Fang, said: “When you don’t spend on your people, that will make you a very good caretaker of finances.”

“You can thrive but you won’t bloom, unlike Barcelona or Real Madrid.”

“One must make some risky investments in the young and the unproven and those without track records.”

“Give the people what they want and pamper them once in a while and you might be surprised at what success can be delivered when the time comes.”