Tag Archive | "Singapore"

S’pore nearly beat Juventus, needed just 6 more goals to win

S’pore nearly beat Juventus, needed just 6 more goals to win

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Unlucky Singapore could have made it a draw if they scored five goals.


Singapore nearly beat Juventus on Aug. 16, 2014, at the new National Stadium, where the first-ever football match was being played there.

The match ended 0-5, with the Italian side getting very lucky by slipping five goals past Singapore, all of which could have been blocked if the Italians did not rely on their slick passing, superior stamina, strong character, hunger to win and having Lady Luck on their side.

The Singapore team had only needed just six more goals to end the match 6-5 and claim victory, but were unlucky as they were denied the chance to score from start to finish.

Minster of Sports, Baey Xia Suay, said: “Singapore was very close to winning even though Juventus kept scoring. The goals kept coming and the Italian side kept pressing ahead, attacked and defended well, dominated the match, but other than that, Singapore was superior on the other aspects.”

“However, Singapore could have done better if the field was tilted in their favour. The new stadium very high tech one, right? Can technology one, right?

“Also, it is the referee’s fault. He played a fair game when he should have been biased towards Singapore since we are on home ground.”


Tough luck, these other Singaporeans:
City Harvest Church goers regret not paying Sun Ho half million dollars to stop singing

Nigerian woman in S’pore who doesn’t have Ebola has urgent business proposal, giving away $10,000,000

Nigerian woman in S’pore who doesn’t have Ebola has urgent business proposal, giving away $10,000,000

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Her uncle was a prince and she needs a bank account in Singapore to transfer his inheritance.


The Nigerian woman in her 50s who landed in Singapore on Aug. 14, 2014, and was suspected to have Ebola but turned out to be negative, has issued a statement to the media.

!Abbey Ade, who claims her uncle was Prince !Abiola Oriowo, said: “I am here in Singapore to have a urgent business proposal for you.”

“My uncle was a stately prince but he passed away recently and my family has an inheritance of $10,000,000 and a lion. But we cannot move the sum of money because it is not safe.”

“I need to access a bank account here in Singapore because this country is international, recognised to protect from fraud.”

“World Bank Group and United Nation Organisation will give you authorisation to receive and confirm of payment by !Abiola Oriowo and you can only contact !Abbey Ade regarding this matter.”

“!Abiola Oriowo will make sure you receive the fund.”

S’poreans, M’sians totally believe their govts didn’t cooperate to raise vehicle entry permits fees

S’poreans, M’sians totally believe their govts didn’t cooperate to raise vehicle entry permits fees

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Yes, this tit-for-tat from both sides is so convincing.


Singaporeans and Malaysians from all walks of life are utterly convinced that their respective governments did not hold behind-the-scenes talks before publicly announcing they will be raising Vehicle Entry Permit fees.

This after Singapore announced they will be increasing VEP fees for foreign-registered cars from S$20 to S$35 with effect from August 2014, causing Malaysia to retaliate and announce that their VEP for Singaporean-registered vehicles entering Johor will be capped at RM50 (S$19.50).

The whole affair has since been played out as if it is a tit-for-tat.

Mah Lai Ren, a Singaporean man, said: “Yes, all these increases and retaliatory moves from both sides were not discussed beforehand away from the public eye and decided behind closed doors.”

“Yes, it is all spontaneous as Singapore can just suka suka announce its intentions to raise VEP and Malaysia thinks this is not boleh and also raise their levy and it all appears like both sides are not in cahoots.”

“This is so much more believable and palatable than both sides announcing to the media they will raise VEP and both governments will get whacked by the public.”

S’pore spent S$3 million coming up with new acronym

S’pore spent S$3 million coming up with new acronym

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Money well-spent as acronym barely makes it.


It has been announced that a two-year public transport emergency response programme estimated to cost some S$6.3 million, will be put in place to enhance the capabilities of the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and public transport operators in responding to public transport incidents and emergencies.

The project, called the Fusion AnalyticS for public Transport Emergency Response, whose acronym is FASTER project, is very state-of-the-art as it uses things like satellite and Internet to make connections and then pew pew pew.

However, coming with the “FASTER” acronym alone cost S$3 million.

Singapore assembled a team of experts from overseas to brainstorm ideas to craft the acronym.

After the first four months of non-stop deliberation, the team settled on PANG SAI, also known as, Patented Analytics Network Governance Systematic Administration Integration.

But this was disallowed as it is thought to sound like a Hokkien word about something unpleasant.

The team of experts then spent another three months doing surveys and focus groups and finally managed to come up with FASTER.

A spokesperson for the project, Jin Leow Lui, said: “As you can see, Fusion AnalyticS for public Transport Emergency Response rolls off the tongue as FASTER relatively easily.”

“When we want to go back and recall the original meaning using the acronym, like mnemonics, we can recite it accurately: Future Are Stronger Than Everybody Realise.”

Regular salary increases is one way to finance S’poreans’ cost of living, said no minister ever

Regular salary increases is one way to finance S’poreans’ cost of living, said no minister ever

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The government will provide in the name of public-spiritedness and keep costs low, said no minister ever as well.


To help Singaporeans combat the ever-increasing cost of living, their salaries must be adjusted upwards by increasing it to a level that beats inflation, said no minister in Singapore ever.

This after Transport Minister Lui Tuck Yew told Parliament on July 7, 2014, that having regular fare increases is one way to ensure the financial sustainability of the new bus contracting model.

One Singaporean, Mei You Qian, said: “I like how everything, even public goods and services, can be fixed with more money forked out by Singaporeans.”

“And it’s great the operating costs are always taken into consideration.”

“Except the F1 every year. The public foots the bill when only a select minority group gets to enjoy it and there is no talk about paying the public back for expenses incurred.”

“That’s great.”

5 real reasons why more S’porean couples get divorced within 5 years of marriage

5 real reasons why more S’porean couples get divorced within 5 years of marriage

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These are the basic primary facts that you cannot argue with.

It was reported in February 2014 that more married couples in Singapore are splitting up within the first five years of marriage.

Mountains of statistics have been presented and charlatans of all stripes have tried to break down the reasons for divorces into cookie cutter sound bites to explain why this is happening in Singapore now.

Some common refrains include spouses straying, the toilet seat is down or up at inopportune times and “Marriage is a lie!”, in general.

However, all these reasoning fail because they don’t go back to the primary source of divorces and are inadequate in explaining what is essentially a complex phenomenon with many facets to the issue.

Here are 5 real reasons why marriages in Singapore end in divorce:


1. Marriage


Some marriage advocates like to throw these divorce statistics around: 30 percent of divorces are the result of infidelity, 25 percent are due to different expectations and another 20 percent is because the toilet seat is not where it is supposed to be.

But did you know that 100 percent of all divorces are caused by marriage?

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. In short, don’t get married and you will never get divorced.


2. Lawyers

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

One of the main leading causes of divorces in Singapore is because of lawyers.

Lawyers are the ones who take money from both spouses and facilitate the uncoupling.

Imagine a world where there are no lawyers. Just imagine that. Divorces would then become a fantasy as there is no one to finalise the papers.

The only way out would be to put a hit on your husband or wife.


3. Heterosexuality


This is another leading cause of divorce in Singapore.

This is what causes people to get together in the first place. Just because a man and a woman can “get with” each other for a few nights, it provides the false hope that matrimony is possible in the long haul.

Need more proof? Have you ever heard of gay people divorcing in Singapore?

Nope, me neither.


4. Darwinian evolution


If there is a primary cause for divorce, we cannot don’t look further than Charles Darwin.

The primary biological reason for males and females of all species to get together is the propagation of the species line.

And the mistake occurs when people think “propagation of genes” means “marrying you and being with you through sickness and in health” and when one spouse, or both, is/ are being a complete shit.

The point is: If species were not subjected to evolutionary pressures to procreate, they wouldn’t make the mistake of matrimony.


5. Gravity


Imagine a world where there is no gravity.

How would you think events will play out in this world? Do you think we will still be “intelligent life forms” that we claim ourselves to be?

Do you think this anthropomorphic view of reality can be perpetuated? What is consciousness? How did we get here?

Are we alone?

Therefore, it is because of gravity that we can stand on the ground without being blown about and knocked around. This is why getting married is also known as “settling down”.

If there was no gravity, there will be no marriage (point 1) and hence, there will be no divorce.

Therefore, it is gravity’s fault.


Other half-assed New Nation lists:

6 rainbow buildings in S’pore that have stood up for gay rights

7 signs God is going to destroy JEM mall in Jurong East by end of 2014

S’poreans agree packing a lot of people on the buses, trains makes system cost efficient

S’poreans agree packing a lot of people on the buses, trains makes system cost efficient

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Yeah, of course. Just keep squeezing more people in.


Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take public transport because driving is for rich people, agree with the recent study that said public transport in Singapore is cost efficient.

One Singaporean, Jin Jue Lang, said: “Ya, of course cost efficient. Three million people take one train at a time and squeeze and squeeze confirm cost efficient.”

Another local, Ren Shan, said: “Ya, so cost efficient. Every six minutes one train confirm cost efficient. Might as well make it once every 10 minutes? Then will be super cost efficient.”

Another Singaporean, Ren Hai, said: “Ya, so cost efficient. Until every year got fare increase.”

New shopping centres entice S’poreans with more Charles & Keith, Toast Box, Uniqlo

New shopping centres entice S’poreans with more Charles & Keith, Toast Box, Uniqlo

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Consumers say they are ecstatic mall developers are spicing things up by arranging the same shops in different order.


Singaporeans from all walks of life, who have become so used to the monotony on this island, are ecstatic that more shopping centres are being built.

It was reported that there will be new malls such as Orchard Gateway, Big Box mall in Jurong Gateway and The Seletar Mall.

Singaporeans said they are looking forward to going to all these new shopping centres as they offer many different varieties of the same shops and brands.

One local, Kee Shou Peng, said: “I think the mall developers put in a lot of effort to develop the shopping experience. For example, they will sometimes put Uniqlo on the third floor and sometimes they will put it on the ground floor. So, you can see, there is a lot of variety.”

Other Singaporeans said they enjoy seeing how malls are becoming more creative over time.

Another Singaporean, See Baey Xian, said: “Sometimes you will find Toast Box to the left of BreadTalk and some times you will find Toast Box to the right of BreadTalk. All these malls are definitely very creative trying to spice things up for consumers.”

“Even better still, at 313 at Somerset, there is Toast Box at the basement and Toast Box at the top level!”

“Who will get sick of all these fantastic shops that offer consumers so much variety and novelty?”

“It’s like the last thing you’d expect is something different and boom, no surprises, it’s Toast Box again.”

S’poreans vs foreigners debate: Eurasians admit they feel the most left out

S’poreans vs foreigners debate: Eurasians admit they feel the most left out

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They have been invisible for the past 40 to 50 years.


The remaining Eurasians in Singapore, who come from some limited walks of life, are finally admitting that they feel invisible this whole time the Singaporeans versus foreigners debate has been raging on.

Well, actually the Eurasians have admitted all along they feel invisible in Singapore, just that no one’s noticed them.

One local Eurasian, Sally de Silva, said: “Everybody these days keep talking about how the Singaporean Chinese majority in Singapore feel threatened because their numbers are shrinking due to foreigners. And the Malay and Indian minorities fear that they will be even further marginalised with this influx of people from overseas.”

“Hello? I scanned the newspaper reports in The Straits Times the last three years and the word ‘Eurasian’ only appeared once. And it was to mention Michael Palmer.”

Other Eurasians agree more needs to be done to make them visible in the public realm.

Another Eurasian, Danny Pereira, said: “Whole day people talking about people from Singapore versus people from overseas and whacking Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong. And it’s as if everybody in Singapore is Chinese, Malay or Indian.”

“No one, not a single mainstream or alternative media has stood up for Eurasians and signalled our plight.”

“And you all still dare to harp on and on about fairness. You people all ought to know that Eurasians also got feelings one, you know?”

S’pore will celebrate Aug. 9 National Day in all 196 countries around the world

S’pore will celebrate Aug. 9 National Day in all 196 countries around the world

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We must show people we are not bigots.


Singapore has announced that it will celebrate this year’s 49th National Day on Aug. 9 in all 196 countries on the globe to showcase to the world that Singapore is not a bigot.

This is after as many as 137 countries are on the waiting list to celebrate their national days in Singapore, and anyone who disagrees, or is unwilling or flinched at this suggestion, is a bigot.

One pro-Singapore non-bigot, Singh Kapur, said: “To show the world that Singapore is not a bigot, we will let all countries celebrate their national day in Singapore. They are all welcomed to celebrate it in Orchard Road at any day of the year.”

“And to reciprocate, we will return the favour by celebrating Singapore’s national day on Aug. 9 in all countries all over the world. This is to show them that we are not bigots.”

“To make it more exciting for countries who will host us, we will show up unannounced as a surprise for the locals there.”