Tag Archive | "Singapore"

S’pore spent S$3 million coming up with new acronym

S’pore spent S$3 million coming up with new acronym

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Money well-spent as acronym barely makes it.

singapore-acronym

It has been announced that a two-year public transport emergency response programme estimated to cost some S$6.3 million, will be put in place to enhance the capabilities of the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and public transport operators in responding to public transport incidents and emergencies.

The project, called the Fusion AnalyticS for public Transport Emergency Response, whose acronym is FASTER project, is very state-of-the-art as it uses things like satellite and Internet to make connections and then pew pew pew.

However, coming with the “FASTER” acronym alone cost S$3 million.

Singapore assembled a team of experts from overseas to brainstorm ideas to craft the acronym.

After the first four months of non-stop deliberation, the team settled on PANG SAI, also known as, Patented Analytics Network Governance Systematic Administration Integration.

But this was disallowed as it is thought to sound like a Hokkien word about something unpleasant.

The team of experts then spent another three months doing surveys and focus groups and finally managed to come up with FASTER.

A spokesperson for the project, Jin Leow Lui, said: “As you can see, Fusion AnalyticS for public Transport Emergency Response rolls off the tongue as FASTER relatively easily.”

“When we want to go back and recall the original meaning using the acronym, like mnemonics, we can recite it accurately: Future Are Stronger Than Everybody Realise.”

Regular salary increases is one way to finance S’poreans’ cost of living, said no minister ever

Regular salary increases is one way to finance S’poreans’ cost of living, said no minister ever

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The government will provide in the name of public-spiritedness and keep costs low, said no minister ever as well.

bus-fares-increase

To help Singaporeans combat the ever-increasing cost of living, their salaries must be adjusted upwards by increasing it to a level that beats inflation, said no minister in Singapore ever.

This after Transport Minister Lui Tuck Yew told Parliament on July 7, 2014, that having regular fare increases is one way to ensure the financial sustainability of the new bus contracting model.

One Singaporean, Mei You Qian, said: “I like how everything, even public goods and services, can be fixed with more money forked out by Singaporeans.”

“And it’s great the operating costs are always taken into consideration.”

“Except the F1 every year. The public foots the bill when only a select minority group gets to enjoy it and there is no talk about paying the public back for expenses incurred.”

“That’s great.”

5 real reasons why more S’porean couples get divorced within 5 years of marriage

5 real reasons why more S’porean couples get divorced within 5 years of marriage

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These are the basic primary facts that you cannot argue with.

It was reported in February 2014 that more married couples in Singapore are splitting up within the first five years of marriage.

Mountains of statistics have been presented and charlatans of all stripes have tried to break down the reasons for divorces into cookie cutter sound bites to explain why this is happening in Singapore now.

Some common refrains include spouses straying, the toilet seat is down or up at inopportune times and “Marriage is a lie!”, in general.

However, all these reasoning fail because they don’t go back to the primary source of divorces and are inadequate in explaining what is essentially a complex phenomenon with many facets to the issue.

Here are 5 real reasons why marriages in Singapore end in divorce:

 

1. Marriage

wedding-rings

Some marriage advocates like to throw these divorce statistics around: 30 percent of divorces are the result of infidelity, 25 percent are due to different expectations and another 20 percent is because the toilet seat is not where it is supposed to be.

But did you know that 100 percent of all divorces are caused by marriage?

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. In short, don’t get married and you will never get divorced.

 

2. Lawyers

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

One of the main leading causes of divorces in Singapore is because of lawyers.

Lawyers are the ones who take money from both spouses and facilitate the uncoupling.

Imagine a world where there are no lawyers. Just imagine that. Divorces would then become a fantasy as there is no one to finalise the papers.

The only way out would be to put a hit on your husband or wife.

 

3. Heterosexuality

paktor-singapore

This is another leading cause of divorce in Singapore.

This is what causes people to get together in the first place. Just because a man and a woman can “get with” each other for a few nights, it provides the false hope that matrimony is possible in the long haul.

Need more proof? Have you ever heard of gay people divorcing in Singapore?

Nope, me neither.

 

4. Darwinian evolution

charles-darwin

If there is a primary cause for divorce, we cannot don’t look further than Charles Darwin.

The primary biological reason for males and females of all species to get together is the propagation of the species line.

And the mistake occurs when people think “propagation of genes” means “marrying you and being with you through sickness and in health” and when one spouse, or both, is/ are being a complete shit.

The point is: If species were not subjected to evolutionary pressures to procreate, they wouldn’t make the mistake of matrimony.

 

5. Gravity

gravity

Imagine a world where there is no gravity.

How would you think events will play out in this world? Do you think we will still be “intelligent life forms” that we claim ourselves to be?

Do you think this anthropomorphic view of reality can be perpetuated? What is consciousness? How did we get here?

Are we alone?

Therefore, it is because of gravity that we can stand on the ground without being blown about and knocked around. This is why getting married is also known as “settling down”.

If there was no gravity, there will be no marriage (point 1) and hence, there will be no divorce.

Therefore, it is gravity’s fault.

 

Other half-assed New Nation lists:

6 rainbow buildings in S’pore that have stood up for gay rights

7 signs God is going to destroy JEM mall in Jurong East by end of 2014

S’poreans agree packing a lot of people on the buses, trains makes system cost efficient

S’poreans agree packing a lot of people on the buses, trains makes system cost efficient

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Yeah, of course. Just keep squeezing more people in.

efficient-public-transport-sg

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take public transport because driving is for rich people, agree with the recent study that said public transport in Singapore is cost efficient.

One Singaporean, Jin Jue Lang, said: “Ya, of course cost efficient. Three million people take one train at a time and squeeze and squeeze confirm cost efficient.”

Another local, Ren Shan, said: “Ya, so cost efficient. Every six minutes one train confirm cost efficient. Might as well make it once every 10 minutes? Then will be super cost efficient.”

Another Singaporean, Ren Hai, said: “Ya, so cost efficient. Until every year got fare increase.”

New shopping centres entice S’poreans with more Charles & Keith, Toast Box, Uniqlo

New shopping centres entice S’poreans with more Charles & Keith, Toast Box, Uniqlo

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Consumers say they are ecstatic mall developers are spicing things up by arranging the same shops in different order.

orchard-gateway

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who have become so used to the monotony on this island, are ecstatic that more shopping centres are being built.

It was reported that there will be new malls such as Orchard Gateway, Big Box mall in Jurong Gateway and The Seletar Mall.

Singaporeans said they are looking forward to going to all these new shopping centres as they offer many different varieties of the same shops and brands.

One local, Kee Shou Peng, said: “I think the mall developers put in a lot of effort to develop the shopping experience. For example, they will sometimes put Uniqlo on the third floor and sometimes they will put it on the ground floor. So, you can see, there is a lot of variety.”

Other Singaporeans said they enjoy seeing how malls are becoming more creative over time.

Another Singaporean, See Baey Xian, said: “Sometimes you will find Toast Box to the left of BreadTalk and some times you will find Toast Box to the right of BreadTalk. All these malls are definitely very creative trying to spice things up for consumers.”

“Even better still, at 313 at Somerset, there is Toast Box at the basement and Toast Box at the top level!”

“Who will get sick of all these fantastic shops that offer consumers so much variety and novelty?”

“It’s like the last thing you’d expect is something different and boom, no surprises, it’s Toast Box again.”

S’poreans vs foreigners debate: Eurasians admit they feel the most left out

S’poreans vs foreigners debate: Eurasians admit they feel the most left out

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They have been invisible for the past 40 to 50 years.

races-of-singapore

The remaining Eurasians in Singapore, who come from some limited walks of life, are finally admitting that they feel invisible this whole time the Singaporeans versus foreigners debate has been raging on.

Well, actually the Eurasians have admitted all along they feel invisible in Singapore, just that no one’s noticed them.

One local Eurasian, Sally de Silva, said: “Everybody these days keep talking about how the Singaporean Chinese majority in Singapore feel threatened because their numbers are shrinking due to foreigners. And the Malay and Indian minorities fear that they will be even further marginalised with this influx of people from overseas.”

“Hello? I scanned the newspaper reports in The Straits Times the last three years and the word ‘Eurasian’ only appeared once. And it was to mention Michael Palmer.”

Other Eurasians agree more needs to be done to make them visible in the public realm.

Another Eurasian, Danny Pereira, said: “Whole day people talking about people from Singapore versus people from overseas and whacking Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong. And it’s as if everybody in Singapore is Chinese, Malay or Indian.”

“No one, not a single mainstream or alternative media has stood up for Eurasians and signalled our plight.”

“And you all still dare to harp on and on about fairness. You people all ought to know that Eurasians also got feelings one, you know?”

S’pore will celebrate Aug. 9 National Day in all 196 countries around the world

S’pore will celebrate Aug. 9 National Day in all 196 countries around the world

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We must show people we are not bigots.

national-day-parade

Singapore has announced that it will celebrate this year’s 49th National Day on Aug. 9 in all 196 countries on the globe to showcase to the world that Singapore is not a bigot.

This is after as many as 137 countries are on the waiting list to celebrate their national days in Singapore, and anyone who disagrees, or is unwilling or flinched at this suggestion, is a bigot.

One pro-Singapore non-bigot, Singh Kapur, said: “To show the world that Singapore is not a bigot, we will let all countries celebrate their national day in Singapore. They are all welcomed to celebrate it in Orchard Road at any day of the year.”

“And to reciprocate, we will return the favour by celebrating Singapore’s national day on Aug. 9 in all countries all over the world. This is to show them that we are not bigots.”

“To make it more exciting for countries who will host us, we will show up unannounced as a surprise for the locals there.”

Wet weather causing S’poreans to yearn for last month’s drought

Wet weather causing S’poreans to yearn for last month’s drought

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They bemoan the loss of boring predictability of no rainfall.

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

Singaporeans from all walks of life with an inability to tolerate variation said the wet and rainy conditions this past week is causing them to miss last month’s dry spell of drought.

Wa Zhao Kng, a Singaporean lady dressed in a white top, said: “I could go out any time of the day last month without worrying about bringing an umbrella. Now, I get drenched even though it was bright and sunny just moments before.”

Singaporeans also said the sudden wet weather is an affront to their sense of predictability and a threat to Singapore’s sovereignty as it affects the country’s productivity.

Qu Ba Sha, a housewife, said: “I hang the clothes out and then want to go downstairs and buy groceries and then it rain and I need to run back up to collect the clothes.”

“This will affect my workflow and it is a burden for the result-oriented.”

S’poreans saddened super high cost of living finally caught up with ministers’ salaries

S’poreans saddened super high cost of living finally caught up with ministers’ salaries

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They should pay themselves more to cope with inflation.

singapore-skyline

Singaporeans from all walks of life who earn a pittance are deeply saddened by news that Singapore has just been ranked the number one most expensive city on planet Earth.

They said their source of sadness stems from the fact that the high cost of living here has finally caught up with ministers’ salaries and they are worried that office holders will not have enough.

Mei You Qian, a local, said: “Poor ministers, now how can they buy many things with only a few million dollars?”

However, other locals interviewed said they finally understood why high salaries for ministers has all along been justified.

One Singaporean, Lin Na Beh, said: “Ohhh… They were paying themselves a lot because they were planning ahead for this day to happen where Singapore is ranked the most expensive city.”

“I guess it is time to plan ahead again for the future.”

S’poreans surprised S’pore didn’t take things lying down

S’poreans surprised S’pore didn’t take things lying down

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Singapore reacts to Indonesia by rescinding invitation to Singapore Airshow here.

singapore-airshow

Singaporeans from all walks of life are surprised that Singapore didn’t take things lying down, one day after the mainstream media urged online vigilantes to take things lying down when provoked.

Singapore has instead reacted offline to Indonesia’s controversial naming of a naval warship after two marines who carried out a bomb attack on MacDonald House in 1965, by rescinding the invitation to the Singapore Airshow here.

One Singaporean, Mei Chu Xi, said: “We shouldn’t preach one thing and practise another. Like how we say we don’t want other people to get involved with Singapore politics, we also shouldn’t dictate how other people want to name their country’s boats.”

“Because if we really want to push it, we should unfriend Indonesia on Facebook.”

Other Singaporeans have also given a different perspective.

Another local, Mei Wen Ti, said: “Let’s move on. How come we never say that this time?”