New Nation

They are mocking the authorities for passing myopic laws to curb smoking.

The sudden appearance of haze and burning smell across many parts of Singapore last Friday drew snide remarks aplenty from smokers here.

They are mocking the authorities for passing myopic laws and raising taxes to prohibit smoking in recent years, when they are obviously completely helpless in mitigating the smoke crisis originating from Sumatra every year.

One smoker, Sio Hoon Kee, said: “Want to curb smoking, reduce number of places where people can smoke, make it so bloody expensive, now see what happen? One time haze come all also kenna asthma.”

Smokers further argue that haze from forest fires is more deadly as they contain soot, which causes boogers to turn darker brown and grey, and more solid.

Poon Kah Song, another smoker, said: “When I smoke cigarette, my booger also won’t turn so hard and brown.”

“Furthermore, even if all smokers in Singapore light up at the same time, we also won’t cause any visible haze, right? This just shows how bad forest fire haze can be compared to the damage we do.”

But if you do remember these scenes, you’re really too old.

News of Singapore’s population breaching the 7 million mark by 2030 with half of the people on this island made up of foreigners is leaving a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths.

And the most widespread fear?

The loss of Singaporean-ness.

So, what better way to bid adieu to everything we have lost, and will lose, than to take a trip down memory lane and re-live all those places and things that are no more.

However, if a lot of these scenes from the late 1980s to early 1990s ring a bell, you’re getting too old.

#1 Orchard Road back then

#2 Is this Paragon?

#3 I really don’t remember Orchard Plaza

#4 Tangs and Lucky Plaza

#5 Dhoby Ghaut

#6 Specialist Shopping Centre at Somerset, a.k.a 313. And remember those traffic lights?

#7 ERP used to be called Restricted Zone

#8 Restricted Zone at Clark Quay area

#9 Opposite Tangs

#10 Centre Point!

#11 That building on the left is Specialist Shopping Centre

#12 Double decker non-air con bus

#13 Change Alley at Collyer Quay

#14 I have no idea where this is

#15 Chinatown

#16 Chinatown

#17 Harbour Front, without Vivocity

#18 90s McDonald’s advertising! (That’s Abigail’s mom)

#19 Wee Kim Wee

#20 In front of Padang

#21 Lee Hsien Loong

#22 A time when Singapore still had four races

#23 Ong Teng Cheong

#24 A time when PAP was still winning elections!

#25 Look how MRT stations have modernised!

#26 Merlion

#27 This one’s probably demolished

#28 This too

#29 Neil Road?

#30 I think this tortoise is still alive at the Singapore Zoo!

#31 Cecil Street area?

#32 Raffles Place MRT

#33 Fullerton

Noticed how little people there were last time?

All stills stolen from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Basically, two words: Military. Women.

A certain nobody from Yale, going by the name of Jim Sleeper, wrote an inaccurate Puffington Host article drawing parallels between Singapore and Israel this week.

The article has since gone viral and received thousands of Shares and Likes on Facebook for being pig-headed, wrong and not even remotely funny.

Worse, it actually received a lot of well-meaning rebuttals from Singaporeans who like to put in time and effort to counter-argue against a troll.

However, for those without a single intellectual bone in their body, rest assured, all you have to know is this: Singapore is no Israel because in Israel, women serve in the military, where conscription is necessary, just because.

And the women serve in the military even if they are hot.

Known as Israel Defense Forces — one of the toughest in this galaxy — here are 50 reasons why Singapore is no Israel. And never will be.

——

#1 “Mummy, my bunk buddies all very friendly. Can I sign on?” – Overheard during first day of BMT.

#2

#3 Wah reservist nights out!

#4

#5 Yay! This week kenna confine again! Sign extra loh! YAY!!!

#6 Chao keng do clerk also shiok!

#7 Stomach in, chest out.

#8 Wah navy like that one ah?

#9 Yay! Outfield training! Need to share A frame with her!

#10 Military never standard issue bikini one.

#11 Who say emo hipster cannot join army?

#12

#13 Shiok.

#14 Chest naturally out.

#15 My bunk buddies take care of each other very well. The eat, shower and sleep together.

#16

# 17

#18 Lick, lick, lick.

#19 Giving you the Eh-don’t-chao-keng eyes.

#20 Low slung fatigue pants.

#21 Encouraging you to make love, not war.

#22

#23 I will give all my blood for her.

#24

#25

#26

#27 Y you so blonde?!

#28 Not surprised to find someone like her working in Zara on any given day.

#29 Eh speaking of Zara…

#30

#31 I salute you too, cutie…

#32 All guys will sign on to protect this one. Confirm.

#33 And these three as well.

#34 Carrying things also look damn cute… wah lan eh

#35

#36 Hipsters…

#37 Instagram worthy.

#38 How quaint.

#39 They make the worst part about outfield look so fun. And sensual.

#40 Hmmm…

#41 Doing push ups also so glamorous. Must be the hair.

#42

#43 Awww friendship. I think…

#44 I tank I’m fabulous…

#45

#46

#47

#48

#49

#50 Nuff said.

Singaporeans are going bonkers over McDonald’s recent decision to start charging customers for extra packets of American-style curry sauce.

In fact, the outcry has spilled out from Twitter, onto the streets, and into every McDonald’s restaurant island-wide.

Reminiscent of the Occupy-style protests, locals are sitting-in the premises of the Golden Arches to demonstrate their hatred for the excesses of Western capitalism. Organizers describe the movement as a peaceful and non-violent one.

“You are encouraged to buy a Chicken McNuggets meal and reject every offer of curry sauce to show solidarity with us,” said the movement’s leader, human rights activist-lawyer N Mani. He rambled on that curry is an evil invention from New York, where there are “vampires in Empire State Building”. Read the full story

Reasons aplenty, as the older generation recounts how far Singapore has come.

Always remember, the past was in black and white or sepia, compared to the millions of bright colours we have now.

As many people are keenly aware, Singapore has gone from Third World cesspool to First World metropolis in 50 years.

Only to fall to Second World mediocrity now as we struggle with inflation, a bulging population that renders everywhere squeezy and public infrastructure that is unfastening at the bolts because it was never made to be abused by so many people all at once.

But boy, how things have changed from Third Word to Second World then.

See Lao Tou, a 97-year-old grandfather of 44 grandchildren who once dabbled in the art of keeping concubines, recalls Singapore’s transformation as he spoke to reporters at the Central Business District: “In the past, Singapore was riddled with Communists. These days, it’s all capitalists pigs only.”

Pointing to Hong Lim Park after a three-and-a-half-hour stroll, the semi-senile man also said: “The roads are now all paved and there’s an abundance of greenery. This is in contrast to the past, where everything was only in black and white or sepia tone.”

And with paved roads, Singapore has become an ideal place for old people to grow up in.

See’s wife, Zhen Nian Qing, recalls being told stories of how less easy things were back in the days where people still threw rocks at the police.

Zhen, a 27-year-old, China-born national, who is both a mother and step-grandmother, said in impeccable Mandarin: “My husband said he had to walk five kilometres with some of his wives last time to see the village doctor, who was also the chief abortionist and cobbler. These days we only need to walk one kilometre.”

Some proof that people only have to walk one kilometre these days:

Gone too are the days of violent ethnic strife.

Zhen said: “In the past, it used to be race versus race. These days, Singaporeans are very united. We locals go up against the foreigners.”

For other people, like 70-year-old Boh Zho Kang, an avid soccer-betting fanatic, togetherness has taken on a wholly different meaning in Singapore today.

He said: “Everyone was very free last time because unemployment was very high but there was work-life balance. So people had time to do leisure things in big groups like support the national soccer team and booing at Malaysia.”

“Therefore, with the state of local football what it is now, it is clear that Singaporeans as a whole are working too much, underpaid and under-appreciated. But employed, nonetheless”

Singapore gets bumped up 41 places in this year’s Happy Planet Index compared to 2006 ranking.

Singapore is ranked 90th in the Happy Planet Index 2012 because of the good work PAP has done.

After claiming a resounding 60.1 percent victory in last year’s general election to become the supreme ruling party of Singapore again, the PAP has improved the lives of its citizens by providing a stronger incumbent and opposition in parliament.

This is just one component of our betterment, as Singapore is ranked 90th position out of 151 countries in this year’s Happy Planet Index 2012 released Thursday, which measures how governments provide people with long, happy and sustainable lives based on three factors: life expectancy, happiness and environmental sustainability.

Previously, in 2006, Singapore was ranked a miserable 131 out of 178 countries.

Self-radicalised PAP supporter, Poh Lan Pah, said the jump of 41 places in six years is reflective of PAP’s effective rule.

He said: “The PAP can do no wrong.”

Many reasons account for this improvement.

Oft-cited ones include the many positive developments in the past several years: High inflation, the opening of casinos, depressed wages for locals, a booming property market, an influx of foreigners to boost multiculturalism and providing scholarships for foreign students at the expense of local students.

And the PAP is looking to countries ranked higher for even more valuable lessons and hard truths to derive a greater level of net happiness for Singaporeans.

Learning from countries ranked higher

Coming in tops again this year is Costa Rica.

To follow in their footsteps, Singapore will restructure its economy to focus solely on exporting sugar cane and potassium from now on.

Burma, which is ranked 61, is encouraging Singapore to employ more uniformed personnel.

This is to match Burma’s revered junta.

The happiness index also provides strong indications of what areas Singapore should best avoid to prevent its people from becoming sad and sulky.

A free press, civil liberties and a tolerant culture will be avoided at all cost. Not to mention, legalised gay marriages will not come around for another generation.

This is to prevent Singapore from turning into America, which is ranked 105.

This is not unexpected for the infidel nation that is roughly 70 places lower than Iraq, with its desert and mirages, which is ranked 36.

To come anywhere close to this gulf nation, Singapore is contemplating demolishing large sectors of the business district and turning it into sand.

Here is the full list of countries:

By Holly Goh

Jesus was spotted in New York as well.

A surprise visit by Jesus Christ, the Son of God, to Singapore on Good Friday generated a lot of attention and heated discussion, simply because he is, well, the Son of God.

Jesus, speaking at a press conference on Easter, describes his experience as largely pleasant so far.

“You know, every year, Christians reenact my ghastly death in Easter dramas, so I thought: Wouldn’t it be fun to just show them the real deal for once?”

He adds, however, that he wish Christians would put less emphasis on the gruesome details of how he was tortured and nailed to the cross. Read the full story

One participant gives his take.

By I-Love-Conservation

Even with the lights out, the three pillars of sin still look bright. And obviously the hotel guests weren't with the programme.

“I think the Earth Hour event at The Lawn (an open space next to the Marina Bay Financial Centre) was great.

I was there and there were so many families and young kids getting in on the act of Earth Hour, sitting around watching the world go dark for 60 minutes.

During that period when everything was dark, it was quite peaceful. You could imagine civilisation going on forevermore without the need to use energy.

So to take my mind off that thought, I turned on my iPad to check my work emails.

And then I used this smartphone app-controlled vibrator to make love to my girlfriend who is in the US at the moment.

However, as I was basically running my iPad and iPhone at the same time, I think this annoyed some of the families who wanted it “to be darker”.

So, not wanting to disturb people, I got off the grass and drove off in my Land Rover.

I got home and took a hot shower and turned on the air con. I put my stinky clothes, basically just my shirt and pants, into the washing machine and after it was done, left it in the dryer to tumble dry.

After which, I drove to the supermarket in my Land Rover again, and bought $30 worth of groceries that been flown into Singapore.

I returned home, cooked everything using an electric hot plate. And threw the frying pan away after I was done because it was a little worn after 2 weeks of use.

And this was when I remembered that I had forgotten to turn the lights off in my office in Tanjong Pagar when I got off work on Friday. So it had been on for more than a day.

I was really bothered because Earth Hour was about conservation of light so I drove my Land Rover back to office to turn it off.

At this point in time, I remembered that I had left the dryer on at home for more than four hours.

So, I sped back, but not before heading off to the convenience store to buy some beer.

I drank a bit and realised that the Earth Hour event sure opened my eyes to the need to conserve.

With conservation in mind, I put the remaining two cans of beer in my empty fridge to chill.

As I have a habit of buying produce from the supermarket everyday, there was no need to stock up.

But a chilled fridge is always handy, where I can keep the two cans of beer that would be for later.”

Singaporean referee awards gold medal to Indonesia silat athlete – for dodging and biting Thai opponent.

Is this cocked-up or what?

During the third-round finals of the Class A 45-50kg silat SEA Games event between Indonesia and Thailand, check out what the Indonesian athlete did: He, with the blue waistband and legs in the air, ended up being chased by his Thai opponent and rolled out of the ring to avoid some ass-whooping.

And then the Indonesian athlete did a Mike Tyson: He resorted to biting his Thai opponent (the one looking at the camera and obviously grimacing in pain) on the shoulder.

Oh look! Who’s that in white looking on? Oh, that is Singaporean referee Jasni Salam. He is looking on, doing absolutely nothing to protect the Thai athlete from getting chewed.

To top off an already memorably silly match, the Indonesian decides to dodge and hide behind the Singaporean referee.

At this point, the Thais were ballistic that silat has been downgraded to a game of police-and-thief.

Holy macaroni! Yet, the Singaporean referee awards the SEA Games gold medal to the Indonesian! For running around, being chased, dodging and biting his opponent!

To make matters seem even more out of whack, Indonesia is the host nation for this SEA Games.

Ahem.

Watch the full 50-second clip here:

Singaporeans mourn over the alleged death of the fast food restaurant’s curry sauce.

By Terence Lee

(Update from McD Singapore’s Facebook page: We know many of you have come to love our signature curry sauce, and are sorry that it is temporarily unavailable. This is due to unforeseen supply issues, and we expect new stocks of curry sauce to arrive from the US by the end of next week. To all our valued customers and curry sauce lovers in Singapore, we sincerely apologise and thank you for your patience!)

RIP

It’s the end of the world as we know it.

All over the island, Singaporeans are devastated to find out that McDonald’s has stopped serving curry sauce.

The news first broke on Hardwarezone at 11pm yesterday, when a forumer visited a McDonald’s outlet, only to be told by the staff that they’ve run out of the unique, sweet-tasting curry sauce that has become a favorite for Singaporeans of all generations.

Read the full story