Tag Archive | "Singapore"

S’pore lion dance troupes play piano to ensure drums don’t cause public disturbance

S’pore lion dance troupes play piano to ensure drums don’t cause public disturbance

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They are willing to cope with string instruments as long as Singapore is safe and harmonious.


Lion dance troupes in Singapore are putting their trademark drum sets and cymbals away, starting this Chinese New Year.

Instead of relying on loud banging and crashing sounds during performances that could potentially flout the law, many dance troupes said they are performing piano renditions of classic lion dance tunes to keep up with Singapore’s anti-public disturbance laws.

Wu Shi, one of the leading lion dance troupe members, said he is not worried that choreographing dance moves using piano tunes will change the feel of the performance and an abandonment of tradition: “In the past, we have seen the news of drums being banned during Thaipusam. This has made us realised that drums are potentially violent instruments that can unleash the baser instincts in humans.”

“As we are aware that drumming could be banned in other areas as they can be deemed to potentially flout the law, we have taken the first step of keeping up with the times by using pianos instead.”

“Furthermore, it is already not fair to make Indians feel privileged in Singapore by banning drumming previously. All races must face bans when it comes to drumming, so that all races can feel privileged at the same time.”

At press time, concert organisers in Singapore have confirmed that all live acts performing in Singapore from this month onward will have to do so without percussion or any identifiable drum kit.






10 things you should try not to do when the S’pore Police shows up at your door

10 things you should try not to do when the S’pore Police shows up at your door

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Here are some of the no-nos in general.


Recently, the Singapore Police Force has been in the media quite a bit.

Reports of them showing up unannounced and taking people — who can be minors — away for questioning has resulted in the general public getting twitchy.

To get you mentally accustomed to the idea you or someone you know could be next, here is a list of things to keep in mind in the event the Singapore police does show up at your doorstep one fine evening asking for you.

But that’s just assuming you have enough common sense to react calmly in the face of the police, especially when your mother is crying hysterically and your father has collapsed on the floor as he is now certain there is a criminal in the family tree.


Therefore, here is a list of 10 things one should never, ever do when the police shows up at your door unannounced:

1. Try to grab their revolver.

2. Open the door, close the door slowly, turn off the lights, squat down and pretend no one’s home.

3. Admit you were an accomplice in that case in Singapore last time where the ang moh guy killed another guy and dismembered him.

4. Say, “This is Minority Report, right? You’re arresting me for a crime that I will commit in the future?”

5. Say, “I didn’t call for strippers.”

6. Ask, “Eh McDonald’s delivery change uniform?”

7. Take out your student concession pass and shout: “CID! CID! I also CID!”

8. Call the police: “Hello? Police? Got police harassing me. Come quick.”

9. Ask, “Is this how I appear on Crime Watch?”

10. Push the gate open. And make a run for it.






S’pore chefs: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food too regularly’

S’pore chefs: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food too regularly’

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People who make your food always wins.


Chefs from some walks of life in Singapore are shaking their heads and covering their mouths trying hard not to snigger out loud.

This after they admitted that the industry-wide practice is for people working in the kitchen to try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly, especially during tastings which serve as a means of getting back at the Internet scribes who think that they are influential and high and mighty with their blogs.

One restaurant chef, Chi Dong Xi, said: “You think we so stupid willingly pay a few thousand dollars to food bloggers to write positive reviews about us and hope for the best as we slog so hard just to be at their mercy to make or break our establishment?”

“Or you think we so stupid we don’t recognise food bloggers just because we work in the kitchen and have little time for social media?”

“You think we don’t have our prejudices and despise certain haughty individuals who think they are all that? You assume all bloggers are our friends?”

“Always remember, at the end of the day, the ones who prepare the food wins.”


At press time, paranoia across Singapore has set in.






COE for bicycles as cyclists increasingly using walking pavements like it’s an entitlement

COE for bicycles as cyclists increasingly using walking pavements like it’s an entitlement

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This is to keep up with the entitlement mentality of Singaporeans.


Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like walk on sidewalks and pavements but fear getting knocked down by bicycles, are applauding calls for Certificate of Entitlement to be applied to cyclists.

This after other ideas such as requiring cyclists to get licensed similar to car licenses have been mooted alongside having COE for bicycles.

One Singaporean, Hor Qia Long, said he supports this call for COE for bicycles: “It is really about keeping up with the times.”

“As cyclists increasingly feel entitled to ride on pavements and on the roads and behave like their grandfather owns everything, Certificates of Entitlement should be issued to go with this newfound entitlement.”

Tan Tua Lui, another local, said it takes a bit of social engineering to pull off the introduction of COE for bicycles: “One way to make COE more prestigious to cyclists is to introduce competitions like Subaru Challenge for bicycles.”

“This will allow cyclists a chance to win a COE under difficult circumstances to show how coveted a COE is.”

“And when more people have it, more people will want it. It’s a very Singaporean thing to do.”

At press time, acknowledging how drivers, cyclists and pedestrians use the roads will make them family as they all act like it is their grandfathers’ road.






Laneway S’pore 2016 concertgoers blame themselves after thoroughly enjoying festival

Laneway S’pore 2016 concertgoers blame themselves after thoroughly enjoying festival

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They feel guilty for knowing most of the bands playing.


Several thousand hipsters and indie types — mainly baristas and freelance designers — went into a depressive spiral and collapsed dramatically on the ground as if their world had been sapped of all colour and turned monochrome like a filtered picture.

This occurred at the end of St. Jerome’s Laneway Festival Singapore held at The Meadow at Gardens By The Bay on Jan. 30, 2016.

This after the indie concert festival attracted tens of thousands of concertgoers who initially thought they would be nonchalant towards, befuddled by and unresponsive to the line-up of music acts no one has heard of, but it turned out that they were cognisant of the performers and their wide repertoire of songs.

Dan Weirdbeard Lim, one of those who attended the concert sporting a man bun, onesie and a pre-pubescent Asian stubble even though he was almost 34 years old and should have been gainfully employed, said: “I was looking forward to not looking forward to the concert and did my best to hide my enthusiasm by constantly having a scowl on my face.”

“Unfortunately, age must have caught up with me as I found myself tapping my foot and breaking into a slight smile the moment I walked into the venue and heard a familiar song playing on the speakers.”

“Worse, I actually mouthed the lyrics.”

His sentiments, however, were not unusual as it was shared by thousands of other hipsters who thought they were each unique like a snowflake in their own way.

They too had thought they would be among the 30 people who would go to such a festival and were in for a terrible time.

Unbeknownst to them, they did not stand a chance when they tried to pull a long face to showcase one’s decision to be moody and oxymoronically unperturbed.

Theodore XXGentrifiedYY Lim, another concertgoer, said his festival experience went from bad to fatal when he almost fainted after seeing a fellow classmate at Laneway: “After catching myself out on several occasions unconsciously tapping my finger against my thigh to the music, I looked up and saw a classmate of mine who went to Jay Chou’s concert last time at the SportsHub.”

“And then I looked next to me and saw a group of people sitting on a mat, sharing food and smiling to one another.”

“What have I become? Part of the mainstream?”

Other attendees said their idea of a terrible festival time was marred the moment the name Charlie Lim rang a bell and they found his vocals familiar.

Things then went utterly pear-shaped when thousands of concertgoers felt glee the moment acts such as CHVRCHES and Purity Ring took to the stage to wild applause.

Susan XOXO Capricious Tan, another concert-goer, said: “I’m so ashamed I clapped and cheered so loudly and couldn’t contain my emotions.”

“I acted like one of those fan girls who just saw One Direction walk out of the airport arrival hall.”

“Worse, during the 15-minute intermission between set changes, I was going “Woooooo!” and shouted “Encore!” at least twice. And the entire crowd joined in.”

“And I made eye contact with this person I did not know who was beside me, like we could relate.”

“This is unbecoming behaviour. We were all so ashamed and red-faced when the lights came on when the whole festival ended.”

For next year’s festival, concertgoers hope the organiser can make the venue bereft of sound and lavatories.






S’poreans react to Minister Lawrence Wong urging S’poreans to ditch their cars

S’poreans react to Minister Lawrence Wong urging S’poreans to ditch their cars

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Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.


National Development Minister Lawrence Wong cautioned on Jan. 30, 2016, against Singaporeans being over-reliant on cars.

He said: “If you look at what we have done over the last 50 years of development, we have built more roads, we have designed our city to accommodate more cars. And if you were to just project that trend for the next 50 years, I don’t think it’s going to be sustainable.”

“We would literally have a city for cars than a city for people, and I think that would be a terrible outcome.”

“It’s not just about becoming a more environmentally-friendly environment. More fundamentally, it is about becoming a more attractive, a more liveable and a more people-friendly city.”

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:


sian-half-auntie “If I heard Minister Lawrence Wong correctly, he means that he will still continue to keep his car while the rest of the population ditches theirs.”
Hao Hua Che, 42-year-old used car salesperson


sian-half-uncle “It’s easy to say ‘Let’s be less reliant on cars’ when you get driven around all the time.”
Jiao Wei, 65-year-old taxi driver


happy-bird-girl “Take it from me: Men who own cars in the future would get more chicks for sure.”
Gian Lui, 19-year-old gold digger










Change S’pore’s political system to allow more Chinese men from PAP into Parliament

Change S’pore’s political system to allow more Chinese men from PAP into Parliament

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Not enough Chinese men from PAP in Parliament now.


Photo stolen from here

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who believe equal representation is important in society because it is the politically correct thing to say, are applauding President Tony Tan.

This after President Tony Tan revealed during his parliament address that the Government will study Singapore’s political system this coming term for possible reforms.

One Singaporean, Tng Lang, said the reforms should be aimed at having more Chinese men in Parliament: “Singapore can make do with more Chinese men in Parliament. Currently, there are not enough Chinese men, especially those from the PAP.”

“In fact, if we look closely, we can only see one-third of Parliament being occupied by Chinese men from the PAP who are Christian.”

“Hence, more needs to be done to increase this quota.”

Other Singaporeans said the GRC system must be tweaked to make them bigger, so as to better encourage opposition parties from contesting in elections and losing bigger time.

Besides electoral politics, other locals said the elected presidency must be re-crafted in such a way as to always elect a candidate that the PAP endorses.

Singaporeans, by and large, also agree that women can play a bigger role in parliamentary politics or elect a women prime minister in the future, but the time for those changes will only be ripe once Singapore is done arguing with itself if a non-Chinese person can ever become prime minister one day.

At press time, Singaporeans are confident those reforms that can come to pass, due to PAP’s two-third majority, will come to pass.






ST forum letter writer: Govt must ban cigarettes, smoking in S’pore

ST forum letter writer: Govt must ban cigarettes, smoking in S’pore

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He strongly believes that it can be done.


While I applaud the Ministry of Health’s (MOH) latest pre-emptive move to ban smokeless cigarettes in Singapore, I am disappointed that the Government did not leverage this opportunity to extend the ban to other forms of cigarettes as well (“Ban on smokeless cigarettes kicks in“; Dec 15).

According to the MOH press release, the Government is “banning emerging tobacco products as a pre-emptive measure to protect public health against the known and potential harms of such products”.

Going by that objective, I am perplexed that the ban was not extended to include cigarettes, which can also produce second-hand smoke to affect people nearby.

The Government has, thus far, taken a two-pronged approach of educating the public and expanding the number of places where smoking is prohibited.

These measures are important but insufficient to protect the public from the ill effects of smoking.

I urge the Government to have a clear timeline of imposing a ban on smoking in Singapore if it intends to do so eventually.

This timeline would give smokers and retailers time to adjust their habits and business models, respectively. It would also clarify the Government’s intent and resolve in protecting Singaporeans from the effects of smoking.

The vision of a smoke-free Singapore need not end up in smoke and can happen with bold policymaking in the interests of all Singaporeans.

Tham Tuck Meng

This is a real letter published in The Straits Times Forum on Dec. 15, 2015.






Highly religious S’poreans petition to ban Elton John from performing on Dec. 1 & 2

Highly religious S’poreans petition to ban Elton John from performing on Dec. 1 & 2

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The Star Theatre should not be used for ungodly pursuits.


Highly religious Singaporeans from that particular walk of life who like to tell other people how to live their lives, have started another petition to ban another gay agitator performer.

They have now turned their attention to internationally-renowned homosexual, Elton John, who is scheduled to perform at The Star Theatre in Buona Vista on Dec. 1 and 2.

This after they started a petition to ban performer Adam Lambert from the Celebrate 2016 countdown show on the basis that he is a homosexual heathen.

A highly religious person, Qu Jiao Tang, said: “The Star Vista is a place built for highly religious people in Singapore to congregate to carry out highly religious activities.”

“The last thing we want to see is for Singaporeans from all walks of life to come to The Star Vista just for the food and leisure.”

“This will then be similar to the fable in the Good Book where the house of worship was turned into a house of commerce, which resulted in the flipping of tables.”

“Such travesty should never be repeated ever again. Do we never learn from what has been written and passed down from thousands of years ago?”

At press time, The Star Vista still offers a wide range of entertainment and retail options for everyday Singaporeans from all walks of life.






GrabMaid app will pair maids with NS enlistment slots, reservist call-up duty

GrabMaid app will pair maids with NS enlistment slots, reservist call-up duty

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This is to further tap on an already existing resource in Singapore.

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

A new app made in Singapore is offering a value-added service to pair maids up with available slots for National Service enlistment and reservist call-up duty.

This latest app, called GrabMaid, aims to match demand and supply frictionlessly by tapping on maids, an existing pool of resource already in abundance in Singapore.

GrabMaid founder, Qu Zuo Bing, said: “Maids have been part of the decisive force. We have seen them in Singapore do everything from carrying equipment when soldiers book out to cleaning and maintaining gear such as ironing uniforms and polishing boots.”

“Therefore, National Service is an institution that has all along trained maids to play a vital role in maintaining Total Defence.”

“The next logical step is to tap this invisible but vital resource and let them enlist into NS and also go for in-camp training.”

Singaporeans from all walks of life who think National Service is a vital part of Singapore, said it is time for Singapore to acknowledge the contribution of maids to National Service efforts.

Hen Gan Dong, a local, said: “I know that Singapore is in safe hands if our maids serve NS and reservist.”

“If maids can take care of our bags, they can take care of the country.”

At press time, the start-up founder said that in the event of war, they are still working on ways to mobilise all maids immediately in the MR, also known as Maids Reserve.