Tag Archive | "Singapore"

Messi mercifully leaves S’pore as he doesn’t want to personally destroy Lions

Messi mercifully leaves S’pore as he doesn’t want to personally destroy Lions

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Such a good god.

lionel-messi-merciful

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are referring to Lionel Messi as Lionel Messi the Merciful, are grateful and in tears.

This after the Argentinian forward and demi-god is skipping the match against Singapore after he initially arrived at Changi Airport only for him to depart again.

One Singaporean, Jin Gan En, said: “Thank you merciful Lionel Messi for leaving. If you played against Singapore, you might have destroyed the goal nets on both ends with your endless scoring streak.”

“Singapore might never recover from a 0-52 loss to Argentina.”

“52 years of nation building would go down the drain as a result.”

Other locals said Messi’s absence will boost the Lions’ morale after a shambolic 1-2 loss against Chinese Taipei.

Another local, Guan Jun, said: “Now that Lionel Messi is not around, Singapore might be able to concede less than 52 goals in one match against Argentina.”

 

 





PAP MPs ready to claim credit for darts duo impending championship victory

PAP MPs ready to claim credit for darts duo impending championship victory

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They are preparing to fly overseas to pose for photos.

darts-singapore-sports

PAP MPs from that particular walk of life, who like to claim credit when things go well and make learning points out of errors and move on when things go badly, are in pounce position.

This after a Singaporean darts duo Paul Lim and Harith Lim continued their winning run in the World Cup of Darts in Germany, as they beat Spain in the second round to progress to the final eight of the tournament.

One Singaporean, Yin Leow Loh, said: “It is good to see PAP MPs supportive of sports in Singapore.”

“After the sportsmen and sportswomen win.”

“Keeping a close watch on Singapore sports to celebrate wholeheartedly when there is a win must be made into a full-time job.”

“Takes a lot of expertise to do it.”

Other locals said politicians celebrating wins will also have its upside.

Another local, Shu Tng Kor, said: “It is funny how no PAP politicians claim credit for Singapore football’s abysmal results.”

“Shows you the true class of leadership we’ve elected.”

 

 





Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

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Gay scenes more potent than straight scenes.

gay-singapore

Thousands of Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are gay and happy, are shaking their heads in disbelief.

This after they found out that they are still gay despite being exposed to hundreds and thousands of hours of media featuring heterosexual scenes for years on mainstream media outlets but have not turned straight yet.

This follows the occurrences where straight people suddenly turn gay having watched or seen one scene featuring homosexuality, such as the recent Beauty And The Beast movie.

One homosexual Singaporean, Gao Geh, said: “I find it amazing that watching one scene featuring a gay person on screen can make a straight person engage in homosexuality, while I can watch endless hours of straight people in media hooking up and starting nuclear family units but am still gay as a nipple.”

“Something about a gay person on screen is such a potent force.”

Other locals said converting from one sexual orientation to another overnight should not be underestimated as this metamorphosis could stem from personal experience.

One homosexual local, Lai Zuo Ai, said: “Those who can become gay at the snap of a finger are gay from the start.”

“When anyone warns other people about becoming gay, they are actually warning themselves.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Foreigners in S’pore must only contribute economically, not politically or socially

Foreigners in S’pore must only contribute economically, not politically or socially

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Just work until die, please.

foreigner-in-singapore

Foreigners from all walks of life, who come to Singapore to give themselves to this country, are reminded they are only allowed to contribute to Singapore in an economical way.

This after it was announced that foreigners are not allowed to go to Hong Lim Park to show they have gay pride.

One foreigner, Wai Guo Ren, said: “As a foreigner, my services rendered to Singapore must only be in the realm of economics and increasing the GDP per capita.”

“I must not dabble in any other areas other than work, because I am just a cog in the Singapore machine.”

Other foreigners said they understand that Singapore is for Singaporeans.

Another foreigner, Lai Zuo Gong, said: “I must not show any emotions in public or express any opinion.”

“I must not show that I can take a stand on anything.”

“I must not do any socio-political stuff.”

“Actually by not doing anything, I have become just like a real Singaporean.”

“Yay.”





Argentina to beat S’pore 52-0 as part of SG52 celebrations

Argentina to beat S’pore 52-0 as part of SG52 celebrations

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Best way to celebrate.

singapore-vs-argentina

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to see a good decisive victory, are looking forward to June 13, 2017.

This is so as Argentina will play Singapore in a round of football and are set to score 52 goals against us as part of SG52 celebrations.

One Singaporean, Tak Kiu, said: “To lose by 52 goals is an honour.”

“This will show the world that Singapore is all about economic progress and socio-political stability at the expense of fluffy things like sporting excellence.”

“After this decisive loss is announced in the world media, other countries will know that Singapore has been and still is serious about investing in other areas that pay off economically.”

Other locals said conceding 52 goals at one time is not a big deal.

Gao Zhen Zhi, another local, said: “In local politics, the incumbent is always very proud to eke out a decisive victory.”

“If victories are decisive, so too will be losses.”

“And it is not a loss and no one’s fault as long as there are learning points from it.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore to merge with M’sia

S’pore to merge with M’sia

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Best news yet.

singapore-merge-malaysia

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to go overseas to buy groceries and pump petrol, are clapping their hands in glee.

This after Singapore will merge with Malaysia again.

One Singaporean, Qiu Hu Lang, said: “This means we go Johor Bahru buy things no need to bring passport already.”

“Some more S$1 is RM3. Shiok.”

“Instead of one Causeway can build a few more as more people will go in and out, to and fro.”

However, other locals said there will be downsides to this merger.

Kee Pah Yew, another local, said: “Malaysia will take it easy, Singapore will want to chiong all the way.”

“Then later Singapore split from Malaysia then Lee Hsien Loong go on TV cry.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans angry about Artbox ask Chee Soon Juan: ‘You sure our rights worth fighting for?’

S’poreans angry about Artbox ask Chee Soon Juan: ‘You sure our rights worth fighting for?’

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You serious?

chee-soon-juan-artbox

Thousands of Singaporeans from all walks of life, who feel flustered and angry about inconsequential bullshit such as how Artbox is too crowded for their liking, are asking some tough questions.

This after they felt Artbox is too squeezy and ruined their day and have come out to ask opposition politician Chee Soon Juan if he still feels he wants to fight for the rights of such Singaporeans who get upset about stupid shit.

One Singaporean, Didi Jiak, who got upset about Artbox having too many people, said: “All I care about is shopping and eating and wasting my money buying bullshit I don’t need.”

“Chee Soon Juan, do you still feel my rights are worth fighting for?”

“Do you still feel you ought to risk your life and family on behalf of me, a Singaporean who really doesn’t care either way as long as I get to eat and sleep and collect some year-end bonus?”

“Even I have a hard time convincing myself I am worth shit.”

Other locals said knowing Chee Soon Juan is willing to fight on behalf of his citizens can be quite confusing.

Another local, Bu Ren Shi, said: “It would be great if I even know who Chee Soon Juan is.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

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If not, Singaporeans might take life for granted.

infinity-pool-mbs

Singaporeans from all walks of life, even those from the 70 percent, are nodding their heads and looking thoughtful at what is to come.

This after Singapore is set to increase the overall cost of living by 30 percent to raise awareness of the importance of life, as the only way to know something is important is if it is expensive.

One Singaporean, Bu Yao Ming, said: “Sometimes Singaporeans take life for granted. It is good to remind them that life is important and the only way to draw their attention to it is to increase the overall cost of living.”

“If the price goes up, the importance goes up as well.”

“The greater the pinch, the higher up the priority list.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with increasing or decreasing prices as and when one feels like it.

Another local, Mai Huan Loh, said: “They can increase the price of PAP membership and still no one will care.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Arsene Wenger: S’pore govt as efficient with use of money as Arsenal

Arsene Wenger: S’pore govt as efficient with use of money as Arsenal

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Difficulty loosening purse strings would a good caretaker of finances make.

arsene-wenger-singapore-government

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who always bet against Arsenal when they enter the final 16 in the Champions League, are clapping their hands and nodding their heads in agreement.

This after Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger praised the Singapore government for being efficient with its use of money the same way his football club is in the transfer market, resulting in top half finishes but devoid of memorable silverware.

This is following home affairs and law minister K Shanmugam’s comment previously where he said Singaporeans must trust the government to be efficient with its use of money.

One Singaporean, Pang Pua Liap, said: “When you don’t spend on your club and country, you can only finish in the top half without much silverware.”

“When you are too prudent with the funds and disperse it only gradually, do not expect to see leapfrogging grand changes and achievements.”

Other locals said a brave new world with evolving tactics and strategies will require upping the ante and keeping astride with big moves and bold investments.

Another local, Jin Da Fang, said: “When you don’t spend on your people, that will make you a very good caretaker of finances.”

“You can thrive but you won’t bloom, unlike Barcelona or Real Madrid.”

“One must make some risky investments in the young and the unproven and those without track records.”

“Give the people what they want and pamper them once in a while and you might be surprised at what success can be delivered when the time comes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

Tags: ,


Gay scenes more potent than straight scenes.

pink-dot-singapore

Thousands of Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are gay and happy, are shaking their heads in disbelief.

This after they found out that they are still gay despite being exposed to hundreds and thousands of hours of media featuring heterosexual scenes for years on mainstream media outlets but have not turned straight yet.

This follows the occurrences where straight people suddenly turn gay having watched or seen one scene featuring homosexuality, such as the recent Beauty And The Beast movie.

One homosexual Singaporean, Gao Geh, said: “I find it amazing that watching one scene featuring a gay person on screen can make a straight person engage in homosexuality, while I can watch endless hours of straight people in media hooking up and starting nuclear family units but am still gay as a nipple.”

“Something about a gay person on screen is such a potent force.”

Other locals said converting from one sexual orientation to another overnight should not be underestimated as this metamorphosis could stem from personal experience.

One homosexual local, Lai Zuo Ai, said: “Those who can become gay at the snap of a finger are gay from the start.”

“When anyone warns other people about becoming gay, they are actually warning themselves.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Cull all S’pore Bird Park birds as they may spread bird flu

Cull all S’pore Bird Park birds as they may spread bird flu

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Kill them all.

bird-park-bird-flu

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take preventative measures against the spread of serious diseases, are urging the authorities to cull all the birds in Singapore’s Bird Park.

This after it was reported that the Agri-Food & Veterinary Authority of Singapore resorted to culling free-roaming chickens to curb the spread of bird flu.

One Singaporean, Gan Diao, said: “I’m sorry, but if this is the case, I’m afraid all the birds in the Bird Park would have to go as well.”

“The last thing we need is a sanctuary for bird flu to fester and spread to the entire human population causing an epidemic of biblical proportions.”

“The Bird Park and its entire contents must go.”

However, other locals are not in complete favour with this blunt approach of culling all birds.

Another local, Gong Jiao Wei, said: “The culling of birds should not stop at chickens or the bird park.”

“If Singapore is serious, it must also cull all the jiao lang in this country.”

Jiao lang are the worst. Worse than birds and bird flu even.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans react to raising legal smoking age from 18 to 21

S’poreans react to raising legal smoking age from 18 to 21

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Three thoughts you must have had.

singapore-smokers

Singapore authorities are looking at raising the minimum legal age for buying and using tobacco from 18 to 21.

This was announced by Senior Minister of State for Health Amy Khor in parliament on March 9.

Proposed changes to the law will be tabled in parliament within a year and the change will be phased in over a few years after the law is passed.

Youths above 18 who are already smokers will not be affected by the change.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “You can serve NS, handle a rifle and go to war at 18 but cannot smoke until you’ve turned 21. Makes sense.”
Kee Zho Peng, 44-year-old shoelace maker

 

sian-half-uncle “The most effective way to stop people from smoking is to raise the minimum legal age to 90.”
Kee Qia, 62-year-old lorry driver

 

happy-bird-girl “I guess I’ll just wait till I’m 21 to pick up my smoking addiction. I will settle for drugs for the time being.”
Xi Du, 17-year-old student

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt apologists & sycophants

S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt apologists & sycophants

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That’s quite rich of them.

why-singapore-needs-more-naysayers-01

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who can smell irony from a mile away, are nodding their heads and smiling to themselves.

This after they heard that panellists at the Singapore Management University (SMU) Behavioural Sciences Institute forum, Han Fook Kwang, Kishore Mahbubani, Tommy Koh, Chan Heng Chee and David Chan said Singapore needs more naysayers who can challenge authority.

One Singaporean, Jiang Zhen De, said: “A group of government sycophants and apologists telling Singaporeans they need to be naysayers and ask difficult questions and challenge authority?”

“I am sure this group of people have gotten really far in life being the opposition of the government elite.”

“Look at them. Totally made a career out of being diametrically opposite of the government and sticking it to them.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with asking other Singaporeans to take risks on behalf of other people.

Another local, Ni Xian Qu, said: “It’s always nice to see people succeeding because of the system asking other people to take risks to question the very system they are a part of.”

“If this isn’t rich, maybe they can personally join the opposition now that they are going to retire and feeling cushy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt sycophants & apologists

S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt sycophants & apologists

Tags: ,


That’s quite rich of them.

why-singapore-needs-more-naysayers-01

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who can smell irony from a mile away, are nodding their heads and smiling to themselves.

This after they heard that panellists at the Singapore Management University (SMU) Behavioural Sciences Institute forum, Han Fook Kwang, Kishore Mahbubani, Tommy Koh, Chan Heng Chee and David Chan said Singapore needs more naysayers who can challenge authority.

One Singaporean, Jiang Zhen De, said: “A group of government sycophants and apologists telling Singaporeans they need to be naysayers and ask difficult questions and challenge authority?”

“I am sure this group of people have gotten really far in life being the opposition of the government elite.”

“Look at them. Totally made a career out of being diametrically opposite of the government and sticking it to them.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with asking other Singaporeans to take risks on behalf of other people.

Another local, Ni Xian Qu, said: “It’s always nice to see people succeeding because of the system asking other people to take risks to question the very system they are a part of.”

“If this isn’t rich, maybe they can personally join the opposition now that they are going to retire and feeling cushy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





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