Tag Archive | "Singapore"

Food industry insiders: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly’

Food industry insiders: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly’

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People who make your food always wins.


Food industry insiders from some walks of life in Singapore are shaking their heads and covering their mouths trying hard not to snigger out loud.

This after they admitted that the industry-wide practice is for people working in the kitchen to try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly, especially during tastings which serve as a means of getting back at the Internet scribes who think that they are influential and high and mighty with their blogs.

One restaurant chef, Chi Dong Xi, said: “You think we so stupid willingly pay a few thousand dollars to food bloggers to write positive reviews about us and hope for the best as we slog so hard just to be at their mercy to make or break our establishment?”

“Or you think we so stupid we don’t recognise food bloggers just because we work in the kitchen and have little time for social media?”

“You think we don’t have our prejudices and despise certain haughty individuals who think they are all that? You assume all bloggers are our friends?”

“Always remember, at the end of the day, the ones who prepare the food wins.”


At press time, paranoia across Singapore has set in.






S’porean invents first truly practical self-driving car that moves off whenever summon auntie approaches

S’porean invents first truly practical self-driving car that moves off whenever summon auntie approaches

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We need this.


Addressing the common public complaint that most of today’s new technology is rather lousy and doesn’t serve humanity in a meaningful useful manner, a Singaporean inventor vowed that his latest invention will not only change the way people drive but enhance drivers’ experience with law enforcers.

Unveiling the prototype at a press conference, Teo Sah Man, a Singaporean inventor told a packed audience amidst loud cheers that the self-driving car he has built can detect summon aunties on foot from 100 metres away and can even be programmed to recognise motorcycle-riding Cisco attendants.

The self-driving car will then take evasive action by fleeing the scene before it can be booked for illegal parking or not putting coupon.

“However, the prototype is not perfect. It still has a tendency to run over the summon aunties half the time they are detected in a desperate attempt to flee the premises,” Teo said as louder cheers erupted.

Singaporeans from all walks of life who are sick and tired of summon aunties, said this latest invention will change the way they park forever.

Luan Pa Chia, a local, said: “Finally, the future has arrived.”

“All your double yellow lines are belong to us.”








S’poreans react to PM Lee teaching Aussie PM Tony Abbott how to wear S’pore’s national headdress

S’poreans react to PM Lee teaching Aussie PM Tony Abbott how to wear S’pore’s national headdress

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Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.


Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott began his two-day official visit in Singapore on Sunday, June 28, 2015.

To celebrate Singapore’s Golden Jubilee and 50 years of bilateral relations between the two countries this year, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong taught the Aussie PM how to put on Singapore’s national headdress, as they presided over a special barbecue at Bishan Park.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:


sian-half-auntie “It is good to see world leaders taking time out to do something serious.”
Jiao Bin, 42-year-old florist


sian-half-uncle “It is hard to admit they look odd or out of place. It is as if they were born to do this.”
Dai Mao Zi, 63-year-old ex-fishmonger


happy-bird-girl “I wouldn’t mind wearing anything on my head if I also made a couple of million dollars a year.”
Zuan Da Qian, 19-year-old waitress










Man consciously interrupts dread of starting work with assurances that he’s enjoying remainder of long weekend

Man consciously interrupts dread of starting work with assurances that he’s enjoying remainder of long weekend

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Feelings of being carefree inserted into periods of extended gloom as long weekend winds down.


Staving off thoughts of walking into the office and starting the gruelling weekday crunch once again, a Singaporean man said he is interrupting his constant sense of dread this long weekend with conscious sporadic thoughts of carefree pleasure.

“I’d catch myself thinking about starting work in the office and immediately insert thoughts of how I am totally enjoying this moment in this long weekend,” Xiang Bu Kai, a local, said.

“It’s a coping mechanism and I’m sure I’m not the only one out there consciously doing this every 15 minutes or so.”

Sources familiar with the situation who are employed in the same office as the man said he is consciously interrupting his regular work week with thoughts of the carefree things he is going to do during the next long weekend that is coming up.


In the office, things happen:

Male colleague convinced office romance brewing after new female colleague stood beside him










S’pore’s censorship board ex-staff confess: ‘We turned gay after repeatedly reviewing R21 content’

S’pore’s censorship board ex-staff confess: ‘We turned gay after repeatedly reviewing R21 content’

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Effects of a mere one-month exposure to banned content has prolonged life-long effects.


Saying that they are no longer the same person, ex-employees from Singapore’s censorship board have come out to explain how they are coping with their new gay selves, which they attribute to their past where they had to constantly view unrated material as part of the job as censors who judged if the content they viewed was fit for public consumption.

This unbridled consumption of potentially R21 content was a job requirement that was knowingly accepted within the industry but they did not expect the psycho-physiological changes to be so profound, which eventually led to mass resignations and renewed hiring by the censorship board once every few months as staff turned irreversibly gay through constant exposure.

Zhen Kai Xing, an ex-staff of the local censors, admitted: “The attrition rate is unusually high at the censorship board. A lot of employees arrive shy and reserved, just like any other civil servant on the first day, but within two weeks, you can tell they are thoroughly affected by the repeated viewing of R21 content, many of which are eye-opening.”

“It is common to witness their mentality and outward appearance completely change within just the first week. A lot of them look like they lose control of their baser instincts, as they start to dress more flamboyantly, become more outgoing, prone to chattiness and walk around with a new sense of confidence, like as if their eyes have been opened to new realities.”

“And then soon a lot of them would quit and move on to other fields within three months, but not before losing most of their past inhibitions, having watched one too many consciousness-raising movies and listening to one too many gay songs, such as Jolin Tsai’s We’re All Different, Yet The Same.”

“A lot of these ex-employees at the censors go on to work at the Singapore Tourism Board, fashion industry and private banking, where their new disposition to being worldly and embracing of openness is overlooked.”

“It is obvious they became happier, which explains why they are gay.”

At press time, the censorship board is organising a fresh round of interviews looking for new candidates for the job to make them happy and well-adjusted individuals, by exposing them to the full spectrum of human emotions and creativity through works of music and film, before unleashing them into other parts of society.


More vacancies available:

MediaCorp could close down by October 2015 if 3 artistes continue to quit per month










S’pore football fans brace themselves as LionsXII’s Malaysia FA Cup win signals regression to the mean soon

S’pore football fans brace themselves as LionsXII’s Malaysia FA Cup win signals regression to the mean soon

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Celebrations tempered by expectations of Singapore football’s future.

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

Singapore football fans from all walks of life who always like to think Singapore football is really going to turn the corner this time round, have suddenly been reminded of the statistical phenomenon known as “regression to the mean”, mere hours after the LionsXII’s historic Malaysia FA Cup 2015 win.

This after local fans meticulously charted the fortunes of Singapore football and duly noted via thorough statistical analysis based on data mined from the past 30 years to separate the signal from the noise that any footballing success the Republic enjoyed will be eclipsed by extended periods of non-success.

One Singaporean football fan, Kee Tak Kiu, said: “We all kind of know how things often turn out. We’d think Singapore football has really turned the corner with one major win or after some successful streak and we’re going to be on our way up.”

“But it is always the case that all success is temporary and local football will fall into the doldrums yet again as the success is difficult to sustain.”

“LionsXII winning the Malaysia FA Cup will probably help the euphoria last for three weeks, after which it is the grim reality of keeping the local footballing scene from grinding along again.”

“This is then followed by a lot of soul-searching from a lot of quarters, usually by September or October this year, involving the Football Association of Singapore (FAS) and Sport Singapore, a statutory board of the Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth, questioning why professional football here is not progressing after suffering a few setbacks.”

“And the talk will go back to the beleaguered S.League, where funding issues will once again rear its ugly head and where clubs will merge or collapse and the next season shortened or abandoned.”

At press time, the foreseeable future of Singapore football will encompass the SEA Games 2015 to be held in June, after which, the only certainty football fans in Singapore have is that there will be none.


Football in S’pore keeps Singaporeans positive:

Andy’s father made $270 million betting on Germany

S’pore nearly beat Juventus, needed just 6 more goals to win




500 S’porean men, women & children start volunteer army to protect MINDEF from online harassment

500 S’porean men, women & children start volunteer army to protect MINDEF from online harassment

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News of harassment affected locals so much they have taken situation into own hands.


Concerned that the Ministry of Defence (MINDEF) is unable to sufficiently protect itself from repeated online harassment, 500 Singaporean men, women and children have started a volunteer army unit to help stave off any further intimidation.

This after it was reported that the donation-dependent website, The Online Citizen, had successfully harassed MINDEF, despite the ministry expending billions of dollars on defence spending each year to acquire technologically-sophisticated weaponry to protect Singapore and itself from greater external threats.

One of the local men, Jin Seow Onn, who is chief commander of the volunteer army, said he, his wife and three children were deeply moved by the plight of MINDEF after reading about it in the news detailing its struggle to put up a resistance against an online website run by a handful of volunteers: “I cannot sit idly by as MINDEF is getting cyber assaulted by shadowy, nebulous figures on the Internet,” he said as he wiped the tears of patriotic anguish from his eyes.

“MINDEF’s inability to protect itself has moved me to act on their behalf. I pledge to keep MINDEF safe from any threats posed by websites emanating from Singapore that provoke the sovereignty of Singapore by targeting our military defence ministry with thousands of clicks generated by other Internet users.”

Other Singaporean men said MINDEF’s struggle at fending for itself is proof that Total Defence is a mindset that needs to be cultivated from young.

One such local man, Bao Hu Guo, said: “That is why I am getting my two children, aged three and four, to join me in this struggle for what is right and what is pure.”

“I need to remind them, and other Singaporeans at large, if we do not do anything to protect MINDEF, then nobody else would.”

“We cannot let the weak face any more adversity alone.”


Oh no! MINDEF is in trouble:

Donation-dependent website successfully harasses multi-billion-dollar MINDEF military organisation










Armpit hair removal cream to help SEA Games swimmers shave off miliseconds from timing to win gold

Armpit hair removal cream to help SEA Games swimmers shave off miliseconds from timing to win gold

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Hair causes drag that slows swimmers down.


Singapore’s national swimmers competing in the upcoming SEA Games 2015 in June will not only be applying pressure on their fellow Asean competitors by training hard and gunning for record-breaking performances — they are also applying hair removal cream to their armpits.

This unorthodox move is to remove all traces of follicles sticking out from their underarm areas, to ensure that they do not cause unnecessary drag to slow down Singapore’s national swimmers.

One Singaporean swimming coach, Ang Jin Siong, said: “Armpit hair will produce drag in the water, slowing down the swimmers.”

“Furthermore, as we all know, shaving off armpit hair is tedious, so the better way to achieve hairless results is by using armpit hair removal cream, as the only thing the swimmers are focusing on shaving off is time from the race clock.”

At press time, the national swimmers are reading the product’s fine print directions for usage to see if they can apply the cream to their eyebrows.


Other steps athletes need to take to win gold medals:

Team S’pore athletes reminded they must never drink, have sex ever again


Donation-dependent website successfully harasses multi-billion-dollar MINDEF military organisation

Donation-dependent website successfully harasses multi-billion-dollar MINDEF military organisation

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Despite MINDEF’s tough exterior, they are still a sensitive new age military organisation deep down inside.


A local donation-dependent website, The Online Ciitzen, has been found by the Singapore court to have successfully harassed the Ministry of Defence, the multi-billion-dollar military organisation that serves as the first and last line of defence for the country.

This after the court granted the application by MINDEF under the Protection from Harassment Act (POHA) against Dr Ting Choon Meng and The Online Citizen.

MINDEF, an institution that is part of the country’s military-industrial complex, which took more than 40 years to build up, took exception to some statements made about it that are deemed false and have reportedly caused them to feel sad.

Defence analyst, Qu Da Zhang, said, this successful harassment of one of Singapore’s most tenacious institutions by a website run by volunteers who depend on public donations, reveal a number of interesting observations about MINDEF.

Qu said: “It is great to see that MINDEF, a multi-billion institution tasked with the all-important purpose of protecting Singapore’s sovereignty as a nation from the threats from abroad, feels harassed by a few statements from a donation-dependent website.”

“This signals to the world that Singapore’s defence force has an Achilles heel that can be exploited as it has feelings that can be exploited.”

“Future threats to our country could include the setting up of donation-funded websites based abroad that repeatedly make statements to hurt MINDEF’s feelings and cause them to feel harassed, while depriving them of any possible avenues for legal recourse as the United Nations will never entertain such complaints.”

“If exploited for maximum effect, this could cause MINDEF to feel wounded as their feelings are repeatedly hurt and eroded with allegations, which might cause the organisation to suffer depression and unable to function.”

“Then again, it could show that even though MINDEF has a tough exterior powered by balls and steel, deep down inside it is still a fuzzy ball of emotions and feelings.”

“MINDEF’s tough exterior and soft core really makes it out to be a Sensitive New Age Military Organisation (SNAMO).”


Thousands of Singaporean men also feel harassed:

S’porean applies for Protection from Harassment Act against SAF after receiving multiple unsolicited IPPT SMS reminders, SAF100

Thousands of S’porean men say they feel very harassed by MINDEF, especially during NS


Woman’s tight dress, peek-a-boo neckline completes geeky-but-outgoing bespectacled look

Woman’s tight dress, peek-a-boo neckline completes geeky-but-outgoing bespectacled look

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Wearing a pair of glasses need not be boring as long as you have the body and a dress that is playfully revealing.


A woman photographed in the vicinity of City Hall proved that wearing glasses need not make one look like a geek who has no life and a limited social circle.


Transforming her bookish librarian look — represented by the top half of her face showing nothing but her eyes and spectacles — into something resembling a geeky-but-outgoing type who enjoys intense intimate moments while throwing her head back in a guffaw and letting herself go a little, the woman’s keen impeccable dress sense of pairing a body-hugging black dress that has a plunging neckline with stilettos proves no one no longer has any excuse coming off looking like a dork.

Therefore, who says wearing glasses makes you ugly?

She just shows a pair of glasses can make one look fashionable, as long as you have a chiselled hot bod, symmetrical face, dimpled cheeks, long legs, clear skin, an outgoing vivacious personality, willingness to experiment, proportionate body, photogenic good looks, and a healthy, confident sense of overall sexiness.

Throw those contact lenses away today!


Dressed in her weekend best, here’s Asami in a pair of glasses from our ‘John Dillinger’ series. “I wore this pair of…

Posted by Owndays Singapore on Thursday, January 1, 2015


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