Tag Archive | "Singapore"

Flooding all over S’pore linked to Noah’s Ark event

Flooding all over S’pore linked to Noah’s Ark event

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It was a divine warning.

singapore-flooding

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know an omen when they see one, are urging the authorities to think twice and repent for Singapore’s sins.

This after they noticed that the whole of Singapore flooded on Jan. 23, 2017, is linked to the biblical events of Noah’s Ark, where the world and humanity were destroyed as people turned their backs on God and chose a path of sin instead.

One Singaporean, Qu Jiao Tang, said: “There is no doubt that Singapore flooding is closely linked to the Noah’s Ark message. The speed of the water’s rise was biblically quick.”

“However, God probably thought twice about destroying Singapore as He gave chance for us to change, unlike what happened to the people who did not believe Noah and who had it coming.”

Other locals said given this new lease of life, the first step Singaporeans need to take to signal to the Alpha and Omega is that we are a changed people.

Another local, Yuan Liang, said: “The first step is to recognise where sin in Singapore stems from and it is obvious it comes from the name ‘Singapore’.”

“Therefore, we need to remove ‘Sin’ from ‘Singapore’ and replace it with ‘Righteousness’.”

“So, from now on, ‘Singapore’ will be renamed as ‘Righteousnesspore’.”

“And then we need to build an ark and put at Mandai zoo there, just in case.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Introduce COE for bicycles as cyclists displaying sense of entitlement

Introduce COE for bicycles as cyclists displaying sense of entitlement

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This is to keep up with the entitlement mentality of Singaporeans.

cyclists-singapore

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like walk on sidewalks and pavements but fear getting knocked down by bicycles, are applauding calls for Certificate of Entitlement to be applied to cyclists.

This after other ideas such as requiring cyclists to get licensed similar to car licenses have been mooted alongside having COE for bicycles.

One Singaporean, Hor Qia Long, said he supports this call for COE for bicycles: “It is really about keeping up with the times.”

“As cyclists increasingly feel entitled to ride on pavements and on the roads and behave like their grandfather owns everything, Certificates of Entitlement should be issued to go with this newfound entitlement.”

Tan Tua Lui, another local, said it takes a bit of social engineering to pull off the introduction of COE for bicycles: “One way to make COE more prestigious to cyclists is to introduce competitions like Subaru Challenge for bicycles.”

“This will allow cyclists a chance to win a COE under difficult circumstances to show how coveted a COE is.”

“And when more people have it, more people will want it. It’s a very Singaporean thing to do.”

At press time, acknowledging how drivers, cyclists and pedestrians use the roads will make them family as they all act like it is their grandfathers’ road.

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore celebrates 200 years independence as 4 once-in-50-years floods have occurred

S’pore celebrates 200 years independence as 4 once-in-50-years floods have occurred

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In a blink of an eye, two centuries have past.

great-flood-singapore

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are glad they belong to a mature democracy, are letting their hair down and painting the town red as they celebrate the night away.

This after they managed to celebrate 200 years of independence following the coming to pass of four once-in-50-years floods.

One Singaporean, Yan Shui, said: “When the first once-in-50-years flood occurred, I couldn’t believe Singapore had hit a milestone. To be able to make it past 50 years old was such a freak event.”

“Next thing I knew, we were 200 years old.”

“Sure feels good to have a long history on our side.”

However, other locals were more cautious with becoming a two-century old country moving forward.

Another local, Lau Kok Kok, said: “One moment you’re 50, next moment you’re 200. Who knows? Maybe soon Singapore can be 500 years old.”

“So, it is sometimes better to remain a young innocent nation.”

“But from the looks of it, we’ll be celebrating our 250 years of independence soon.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore to celebrate Tanksgiving Day on Nov. 23 every year, make it a public holiday

S’pore to celebrate Tanksgiving Day on Nov. 23 every year, make it a public holiday

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Give tanks with a grateful heart.

Terrex-Infantry-Carrier-Vehicles-china-singapore

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who appreciate that they can give tanks, are giving tanks profusely.

This after it was announced that Singapore will celebrate Tanksgiving Day on Nov. 23 every year from now on and will be making the day a public holiday.

One Singaporean, Gan En, said: “Since we gave China nine tanks on Nov. 23, 2016, it is good to look back on this day from now on annually as a reminder that there are other things in life to give tanks for.”

“Giving tanks should be customary and a ingrained practice.”

However, other locals said China taking the nine Terrex Infantry Carrier Vehicles do not really constitute giving tanks.

Another local, Huan Geh Wo, said: “No tanks, I’d rather they be mine.”

“Then, it would really be… explosive,” he said as he put on his sunglasses as The Who came on.

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans react to Yaacob Ibrahim’s insistence there’s desire for Malay president

S’poreans react to Yaacob Ibrahim’s insistence there’s desire for Malay president

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Three thoughts you must have had.

desire-to-see-tharman

Minister in charge of Muslim Affairs Yaacob Ibrahim said the desire to see a Malay president in Singapore cuts across the Malay community.

Many from the community would, in private in closed-door discussions, be in favour.

This is so even though younger Malays have grown up with meritocracy as the basis of how society is organised and appear reluctant to see a “circuit breaker” in the Elected Presidency (EP) to ensure minority representation, he said.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “The desire to see an Indian prime minister cuts across Singapore.”
Zuo Zhong Li, 44-year-old ballot box manufacturer

 

sian-half-uncle “The desire to see a bald Indian prime minister cuts across Singapore, to be more precise.”
Bee Jiao Zun, 66-year-old dartboard maker

 

happy-bird-girl “Singaporeans would love to see Tharman Shanmugaratnam become prime minister next.”
Jian Zhen De, 17-year-old student

 

 

 

 

 

 





Nationalise private tuition in S’pore to make education system truly great

Nationalise private tuition in S’pore to make education system truly great

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Private tuition is what allows students to reach full academic potential.

singapore-nationalise-private-tuition

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who recognise what works and what doesn’t, have come out to urge the government to take over the private tuition industry.

This after they said the billion-dollar tuition industry is what makes education in Singapore truly great and deserves to be nationalised to take over their best practices of helping students score good grades.

Currently, the public education system is focused too much on making students not hit their full academic potential as they are urged to be balanced and nurture other life skills.

One Singaporean, Pu Xi, said: “The public education system in Singapore is okay on its own at best. Most Singaporeans who have gone through it made it despite the public education system.”

“Because what really works is the private tuition industry, where the best help is rendered.”

“When the government makes private tuition a public good, it would be accessible to all, for all, without discrimination, which is truly fair and great.”

Other locals said making tutors become public servants would allow them to serve their true calling as educators.

Another local, Xi Shen, said: “Private tutors have been making scholars out of students and must be recognised as well as or even more than public school teachers.”

“By becoming on par with public school teachers, they can now carry out their tasks knowing they are doing it for other people’s benefit and not their own private gains.”

“That would be very noble indeed.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Rio Olympics wrap-up: S’pore mainstream media still disappointing, ranked 154th in world

Rio Olympics wrap-up: S’pore mainstream media still disappointing, ranked 154th in world

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Report card grade: F-

mainstream-media-reporters-singapore

In a post-mortem report dissecting how well Team Mainstream Media Singapore did this Rio 2016 Olympics, Singaporeans from all walks of life have given them an F- grade in their report card.

The collective opinion of Singaporeans is that reporters, also referred to as keyboard athletes, have lived up to expectations of a 154th rank media in the world.

One Singaporean, Mei You Yong, said: “It was noted that none of the reporters in Singapore are Olympians. They have not participated in any major international competitive sport, but were seen to be talking smack quite a lot comparatively.”

“It must have been exhausting working out those fingers of theirs the last two weeks though. Instead of directing hard questions at politicians, they direct hard questions at sports persons.”

“Overall, it was as expected, an F- performance.”

Other locals said there is a silver lining though now that the mainstream media in Singapore is ranked so low internationally.

Qu Chi Sai, another local, said: “Singapore’s media put up a disappointing overall Olympic media campaign, including conveniently forgetting the hard work of each and every athlete and their team, who did their best to represent Singapore despite the lack of support they received in the build-up.”

“So, no one notices how badly the mainstream media performs anymore these days until they do something stupid to bring it upon themselves.”

“So the only way to go is up, I guess.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Foreigners unhappy with S’pore must aim higher by insulting everyone on a global level

Foreigners unhappy with S’pore must aim higher by insulting everyone on a global level

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Think big, go far.

pokemon-go

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are ready to introduce people to Perth as a good place to hide out, are inviting foreigners in Singapore to freely vent their anger and insult Singapore and Singaporeans.

This after a foreigner freely insulted Singapore and Singaporeans and was called out by locals, resulting in him getting fired from his job.

One local, Hor Gao Kan, said: “Foreigners who are unhappy with Singapore should not feel the need to bottle up those feelings and suffer inside.”

“They should feel free to vent them out in public, especially on social media, where more people can see and share it for posterity’s sake.”

“After which, the foreigner will promptly have more free time to spare to ruminate about life, in general.”

However, other locals said foreigners targeting Singapore and Singaporeans alone can be dangerous as it is self-limiting.

Siow Pah, another Singaporean, said: “It is important for foreigners to target their anger at Singapore and Singaporeans, but more can be done.”

“To really make an impact beyond Singapore, the foreigner who is angry must go on a non-discriminatory rant against everyone without being blinded by race, religion or nationality and even sexual orientation.”

“That is the true spirit of embracing globalisation.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore’s politics must remain above race, religion but not extra-marital affairs

S’pore’s politics must remain above race, religion but not extra-marital affairs

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Some things are just harder than others.

singapore-politics-above-race-religion

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who agree to a wide range of platitudes, said they fully support the statement that Singapore’s politics must remain above race and religion.

This after it was reported that it is wrong for those who are aiming for a position of power in politics to make divisive comments about race and religion, in reference to the US presidential election.

One Singaporean, Bee Jiao Hao, said she concurs: “Singapore politics is very special and different one. We are not afflicted like other countries.”

“We must remain above race and religion, and must wear a halo and be different and untainted.”

However, other Singaporeans said being above race and religion is a good thing, but not the most ideal.

One other local, Bao Kah Leow, said: “Why stop at being above race and religion? Why not be above everything else?”

“Singapore’s politics must remain above race, religion, science, geography, mathematical certainty, biology, home economics, literature, Cubism, international relations, spirituality and entertainment.”

“However, if we asked David Ong if Singapore politics can be above extra-martial affairs, he would say ‘No’.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore govt will protect everyone, especially those who oppose the ruling govt

S’pore govt will protect everyone, especially those who oppose the ruling govt

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You will be kept safe and sound.

protected-place

The Singapore government has pledged to protect Singaporeans from all walks of life from the threat of violence, regardless of a person’s sexual orientation, race, religion or political affiliation.

This stance was reiterated by the authorities after the Orlando gunman carried out a mass shooting on Sunday.

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who believe the government will no doubt go the extra mile in its duty of protecting its citizens, said those who oppose the ruling government will be especially well taken care of and receive more attention.

One Singaporean, Qu Zuo Lao, said: “If you are an ordinary Singaporean, ordinary surveillance will be deployed to make sure a watchful eye is always there to keep you safe from harm.”

“If you are a Singaporean who opposes the ruling government, there will be more watchful eyes making sure you are alright all the time.”

“Very professional.”

Other locals said they agree with this sentiment.

Another Singaporean, Ai As Dee, said: “Once in a while, you might even have some people check up on you at night and pick you up from your home to make sure you are okay.”

“They might even bring you to a safe place with good sturdy locks and copious amounts of coffee to be watched over round the clock, so that no one can harm you at all, let alone contact you.”

“Then you will be given free lodging and free food for a period of time to make sure you are alright.”

“Then when you come out of the place with good sturdy locks after being watched by professional people for a period of time, you might still be paid a visit from time to time to check that you are okay and no one has gotten to you.”

“Then you might be followed, just in case.”

“Or transferred to an island, where no one and no harm can get to you for your own protection.”

“And then you might be even given a chance to say that you want this sort of protection because you deserve it.”

“Such protection.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Nothing much happening this Sunday evening in S’pore

Nothing much happening this Sunday evening in S’pore

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Nothing to get alarmed about.

singapore-at-night-west-coast

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are not alarmed or jolted to take notice or get angry about something, are blissfully unmolested by the lack of anything really major happening in Singapore on Sunday evening.

This after nothing really major is happening on Sunday evening.

One Singaporean, Kuah Dian See, who is catching up on shows on Netflix, said: “This season’s episodes are really great. Another four episodes to go.”

Other locals said the weather has cooled significantly this evening compared to the past two months and wondered if that would make it into the news tomorrow.

Another local, Gong Jiao Wei, said: “Given how news works in Singapore, it will surely make it into the mainstream media, waxing lyrical about how the monsoon winds have changed and there is a cold surge heading Singapore’s way and expect cooler temperatures from now till end of July blah blah blah…”

“It’s almost as if there is no news to report these days.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans praise success of plans toward a car-lite S’pore

S’poreans praise success of plans toward a car-lite S’pore

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This is working, they said.

5-pax-electric-scooter

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take public transport and ride electric scooters because cars are for rich people, are clapping their hands and praising the transport system.

This after they saw that plans towards a car-lite Singapore are successful as a family of five were spotted riding on a two-wheel electric scooter.

One Singaporean, Dian Dan Che, said: “Look at this. Five family members on a two-wheel bike. Towards a car-lite Singapore indeed.”

“It is heartening to see cars no longer playing a part in some Singaporeans’ life in such a significant way.”

Other Singaporeans said Singaporeans who take the initiative to move towards a car-lite Singapore must be praised.

Chen Zhan, another local, said: “This is such a bold move. You really need to be bold to be on the move like this.”

“Pity those who can drive. They won’t get to experience not being able to drive.”

 

 

 

 

 





Root causes of AHTC lapses can be traced to founding of S’pore

Root causes of AHTC lapses can be traced to founding of S’pore

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By going upstream, root causes would have been eradicated if Singapore remained unmodernised.

ahtc-modern-singapore-lapses

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who believe in going back to the original source, said they agree fully with the audit firm report detailing the root causes of lapses at the Workers’ Party-run Aljunied-Hougang Town Council (AHTC).

This after they saw that the root cause can be traced to the opposition party, if one is being short-sighted, or to the ruling party and how Town Councils were set up and run, if one is far-sighted enough.

However, there was no doubt among the local population that all lapses stemmed from the founding of Singapore.

One Singaporean, Lai Fo Shi, said: “If Singapore remained unfounded and left to the aboriginal population, none of these lapses would have occurred or been registered because the native population didn’t have Town Councils to begin with.”

“As a country that is advanced and modern, it is important to go upstream and look at what really caused these lapses to happen so that the problem can be nipped at the bud.”

“The first prime minister Lee Kuan Yew might need to be blamed as AHTC lapses would not have occurred if he did not found modern Singapore.”

At press time, Singaporeans are also blaming Sir Stamford Raffles and the physical separation of Singapore land mass from the Malay Peninsula 10,000 years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 





All accounting firms in S’pore to close down immediately as no one left to blame

All accounting firms in S’pore to close down immediately as no one left to blame

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Thousands of auditors, accountants and professionals become jobless overnight.

CBD-landscape

All accounting firms in Singapore, from the Big Four to smaller boutique outfits, will be closing down for good.

This after there is no one left to blame in Singapore as a culture of blame has been done away with to be replaced with a culture of learning.

Mei Gong Zuo, a former employee of a major accounting firm, said it is inevitable she has been retrenched: “With no more blame left in Singapore, there is simply no point in trying to protect people from it.”

“This business model of striving for others to remain marginally right, has truly gone to the dogs.”

“Furthermore, for those who are feeling like they did do wrong or that they need to be blamed, to be living with the pain and regret is punishment enough.”

At press time, all companies in Singapore will no longer be required to be audited as rumours swirl that the next to be retrenched will be lawyers and judges, followed by the entire police force.