Tag Archive | "Singapore"

New Nation wishes S’pore: ‘Happy Belated 49th Birthday Singapore!’

New Nation wishes S’pore: ‘Happy Belated 49th Birthday Singapore!’

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Better late than never.

happy-birthday-singapore

In a bid to fall on the good side of Singapore and appease the authorities, New Nation has sent a belated birthday greeting to Singapore.

Wishing the island-state “Happy Belated 49th Birthday”, New Nation said this extension of goodwill backdated to 2014 to remember the 49th year of the country’s founding in the cusp of the capable hands of Lee Kuan Yew is following standard protocol for wishing others a happy belated birthday.

In a note to Singapore, New Nation wrote: “There is nothing shameful about being old. The time will come when you eventually turn 50.”

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to celebrate events because there is not much else to do here, said there is always still time to wish Singapore a belated Happy Birthday as long as enough time has elapsed: “There is one more year to go before we can say ‘Happy Belated 50th Golden Jubilee Birthday Singapore!’.”

“And when that happens, it will still be meaningful as ever as long as it is before 2017.”

“Better late than never.”

 

 

 

 

 











Thundery rain arrives on time on Aug. 9 midnight to honour Lee Kuan Yew for S’pore’s 50th national day

Thundery rain arrives on time on Aug. 9 midnight to honour Lee Kuan Yew for S’pore’s 50th national day

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Rain was indented a week ago and it fell right on the dot (pun on little red dot intended).

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who were rudely awakened from their slumber as water kept splashing through their bedroom windows, noticed that the inclement weather that Singapore indented a week ago arrived right on time on Aug. 9, 2015, just after midnight.

Strong howling winds accompanied by thundery rain fell across Singapore north, south, east and west on her 50th national day in a timely manner to pay tribute to her founding prime minister Lee Kuan Yew in a fitting fashion.

One Singaporean, Seah Da Yu, said: “There was no doubt the heavens were crying for Lee Kuan Yew because they miss him and they know Singaporeans miss him. This is the best way our founding prime minister can be remembered.”

“This also shows the PAP government is so powerful, they can control the weather.”

However, not all Singaporeans are satisfied.

Another Singaporean, Jin Kao Lat, said even though the rain fell on time, it was not heavy enough to show the true emotion of the nation’s inhabitants: “I appreciate the meteorological gesture, but not enough trees were uprooted and insufficient places were flooded.”

“If Singaporeans are indeed sincere in paying tribute to Lee Kuan Yew, there should have been gale-force winds accompanied by a sprinkling of hail to really show that Singapore is getting over her loss of Lee Kuan Yew in the first national day without his presence.”

“It would be truly memorable if it rained like never before during the National Day Parade and the whole thing is televised live and repeated ad nauseam for effect.”

“This would really help the government with their future tributes to Lee Kuan Yew because they would have the visuals all on film for future use.”

 

 

 

 

 









S’poreans react to PM Lee’s warning that S’pore could suffer brain drain if successful locals leave

S’poreans react to PM Lee’s warning that S’pore could suffer brain drain if successful locals leave

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Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.

brain-drain-singapore

In a recent interview with Time magazine, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong acknowledged that the “options for Singaporeans to leave are plentiful”.

Singapore is “going to be depleted”, he cautioned, especially if the talented and successful ones move abroad.

There are already an estimated 200,000 Singaporeans living overseas.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “Looking at the slate of MPs in parliament, there is no doubt the best and brightest already left for overseas a long time ago.”
Guo Hui, 46-year-old immigrations officer

 

sian-half-uncle “I guess the only reason I remained in Singapore was because I am never good enough to go overseas.”
Chu Guo, 66-year-old operations manager

 

happy-bird-girl “If Singapore is going to be depleted even after we opened the doors to so many foreigners, it means we have been importing trash.”
La Ji, 17-year-old artist-in-training

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





5 obvious reasons why S’porean couples get divorced

5 obvious reasons why S’porean couples get divorced

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These are the basic primary facts that you cannot argue with.

singaporean-couple-v-day

It was reported that divorces and annulments in Singapore fell by 2.9 percent to 7,307 in 2014, according to the report by the Department of Statistics, although it was previously observed that over the years more married couples are splitting up within the first five years of marriage.

Mountains of statistics have been presented and charlatans of all stripes have tried to break down the reasons for divorces into cookie cutter sound bites to explain why this is happening in Singapore now.

Some common refrains include spouses straying, the toilet seat is down or up at inopportune times and “Marriage is a lie!”, in general.

However, all these reasoning fail because they don’t go back to the primary source of divorces and are inadequate in explaining what is essentially a complex phenomenon with many facets to the issue.

Here are 5 real reasons why marriages in Singapore end in divorce:

 

1. Marriage

wedding-rings

Some marriage advocates like to throw these divorce statistics around: 30 percent of divorces are the result of infidelity, 25 percent are due to different expectations and another 20 percent is because the toilet seat is not where it is supposed to be.

But did you know that 100 percent of all divorces are caused by marriage?

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. In short, don’t get married and you will never get divorced.

 

2. Lawyers

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

One of the main leading causes of divorces in Singapore is because of lawyers.

Lawyers are the ones who take money from both spouses and facilitate the uncoupling.

Imagine a world where there are no lawyers. Just imagine that. Divorces would then become a fantasy as there is no one to finalise the papers.

The only way out would be to put a hit on your husband or wife.

 

3. Heterosexuality

paktor-singapore

This is another leading cause of divorce in Singapore.

This is what causes people to get together in the first place. Just because a man and a woman can “get with” each other for a few nights, it provides the false hope that matrimony is possible in the long haul.

Need more proof? Have you ever heard of gay people divorcing in Singapore?

Nope, me neither.

 

4. Darwinian evolution

charles-darwin

If there is a primary cause for divorce, we cannot don’t look further than Charles Darwin.

The primary biological reason for males and females of all species to get together is the propagation of the species line.

And the mistake occurs when people think “propagation of genes” means “marrying you and being with you through sickness and in health” and when one spouse, or both, is/ are being a complete shit.

The point is: If species were not subjected to evolutionary pressures to procreate, they wouldn’t make the mistake of matrimony.

 

5. Gravity

gravity

Imagine a world where there is no gravity.

How would you think events will play out in this world? Do you think we will still be “intelligent life forms” that we claim ourselves to be?

Do you think this anthropomorphic view of reality can be perpetuated? What is consciousness? How did we get here?

Are we alone?

Therefore, it is because of gravity that we can stand on the ground without being blown about and knocked around. This is why getting married is also known as “settling down”.

If there was no gravity, there will be no marriage (point 1) and hence, there will be no divorce.

Therefore, it is gravity’s fault.

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans react to British Prime Minister David Cameron visiting S’pore

S’poreans react to British Prime Minister David Cameron visiting S’pore

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Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.

david-cameron-singapore

British Prime Minister David Cameron was in Singapore for a two-day official visit on July 28, 2015.

When he was here, he paid tribute to founding prime minister Lee Kuan Yew in his lecture organised by the Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy.

PM Cameron praised Lee Kuan Yew for rooting out corruption, which helped give people confidence to invest in Singapore.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “Actually Lee Kuan Yew made Singapore happen by kicking out the British.”
Ang Mo Kwee, 42-year-old chamber maid

 

sian-half-uncle “No one ever seems to praise Lee Hsien Loong for fighting corruption.”
Mei Chu Xi, 70-year-old ex-coolie

 

happy-bird-girl “If David Cameron thought having a lecture about Lee Kuan Yew in Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy looked like a mere coincidence, he was failing.”
Zhen Qiao, 17-year-old professional bar top dancer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Food industry insiders: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly’

Food industry insiders: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly’

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People who make your food always wins.

ramen-food-blogger-spore

Food industry insiders from some walks of life in Singapore are shaking their heads and covering their mouths trying hard not to snigger out loud.

This after they admitted that the industry-wide practice is for people working in the kitchen to try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly, especially during tastings which serve as a means of getting back at the Internet scribes who think that they are influential and high and mighty with their blogs.

One restaurant chef, Chi Dong Xi, said: “You think we so stupid willingly pay a few thousand dollars to food bloggers to write positive reviews about us and hope for the best as we slog so hard just to be at their mercy to make or break our establishment?”

“Or you think we so stupid we don’t recognise food bloggers just because we work in the kitchen and have little time for social media?”

“You think we don’t have our prejudices and despise certain haughty individuals who think they are all that? You assume all bloggers are our friends?”

“Always remember, at the end of the day, the ones who prepare the food wins.”

“Always.”

At press time, paranoia across Singapore has set in.

 

 

 

 

 







S’porean invents first truly practical self-driving car that moves off whenever summon auntie approaches

S’porean invents first truly practical self-driving car that moves off whenever summon auntie approaches

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We need this.

summon-aunties-singapore

Addressing the common public complaint that most of today’s new technology is rather lousy and doesn’t serve humanity in a meaningful useful manner, a Singaporean inventor vowed that his latest invention will not only change the way people drive but enhance drivers’ experience with law enforcers.

Unveiling the prototype at a press conference, Teo Sah Man, a Singaporean inventor told a packed audience amidst loud cheers that the self-driving car he has built can detect summon aunties on foot from 100 metres away and can even be programmed to recognise motorcycle-riding Cisco attendants.

The self-driving car will then take evasive action by fleeing the scene before it can be booked for illegal parking or not putting coupon.

“However, the prototype is not perfect. It still has a tendency to run over the summon aunties half the time they are detected in a desperate attempt to flee the premises,” Teo said as louder cheers erupted.

Singaporeans from all walks of life who are sick and tired of summon aunties, said this latest invention will change the way they park forever.

Luan Pa Chia, a local, said: “Finally, the future has arrived.”

“All your double yellow lines are belong to us.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans react to PM Lee teaching Aussie PM Tony Abbott how to wear S’pore’s national headdress

S’poreans react to PM Lee teaching Aussie PM Tony Abbott how to wear S’pore’s national headdress

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Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.

pm-lee-abbott-balloon

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott began his two-day official visit in Singapore on Sunday, June 28, 2015.

To celebrate Singapore’s Golden Jubilee and 50 years of bilateral relations between the two countries this year, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong taught the Aussie PM how to put on Singapore’s national headdress, as they presided over a special barbecue at Bishan Park.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “It is good to see world leaders taking time out to do something serious.”
Jiao Bin, 42-year-old florist

 

sian-half-uncle “It is hard to admit they look odd or out of place. It is as if they were born to do this.”
Dai Mao Zi, 63-year-old ex-fishmonger

 

happy-bird-girl “I wouldn’t mind wearing anything on my head if I also made a couple of million dollars a year.”
Zuan Da Qian, 19-year-old waitress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Man consciously interrupts dread of starting work with assurances that he’s enjoying remainder of long weekend

Man consciously interrupts dread of starting work with assurances that he’s enjoying remainder of long weekend

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Feelings of being carefree inserted into periods of extended gloom as long weekend winds down.

man-long-weekend-blues

Staving off thoughts of walking into the office and starting the gruelling weekday crunch once again, a Singaporean man said he is interrupting his constant sense of dread this long weekend with conscious sporadic thoughts of carefree pleasure.

“I’d catch myself thinking about starting work in the office and immediately insert thoughts of how I am totally enjoying this moment in this long weekend,” Xiang Bu Kai, a local, said.

“It’s a coping mechanism and I’m sure I’m not the only one out there consciously doing this every 15 minutes or so.”

Sources familiar with the situation who are employed in the same office as the man said he is consciously interrupting his regular work week with thoughts of the carefree things he is going to do during the next long weekend that is coming up.

 

In the office, things happen:

Male colleague convinced office romance brewing after new female colleague stood beside him

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore’s censorship board ex-staff admit: ‘We turned gay after repeatedly reviewing R21 content’

S’pore’s censorship board ex-staff admit: ‘We turned gay after repeatedly reviewing R21 content’

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Effects of a mere one-month exposure to banned content has prolonged life-long effects.

jolin-tsai

Saying that they are no longer the same person, ex-employees from Singapore’s censorship board have come out to explain how they are coping with their new gay selves, which they attribute to their past where they had to constantly view unrated material as part of the job as censors who judged if the content they viewed was fit for public consumption.

This unbridled consumption of potentially R21 content was a job requirement that was knowingly accepted within the industry but they did not expect the psycho-physiological changes to be so profound, which eventually led to mass resignations and renewed hiring by the censorship board once every few months as staff turned irreversibly gay through constant exposure.

Zhen Kai Xing, an ex-staff of the local censors, admitted: “The attrition rate is unusually high at the censorship board. A lot of employees arrive shy and reserved, just like any other civil servant on the first day, but within two weeks, you can tell they are thoroughly affected by the repeated viewing of R21 content, many of which are eye-opening.”

“It is common to witness their mentality and outward appearance completely change within just the first week. A lot of them look like they lose control of their baser instincts, as they start to dress more flamboyantly, become more outgoing, prone to chattiness and walk around with a new sense of confidence, like as if their eyes have been opened to new realities.”

“And then soon a lot of them would quit and move on to other fields within three months, but not before losing most of their past inhibitions, having watched one too many consciousness-raising movies and listening to one too many gay songs, such as Jolin Tsai’s We’re All Different, Yet The Same.”

“A lot of these ex-employees at the censors go on to work at the Singapore Tourism Board, fashion industry and private banking, where their new disposition to being worldly and embracing of openness is overlooked.”

“It is obvious they became happier, which explains why they are gay.”

At press time, the censorship board is organising a fresh round of interviews looking for new candidates for the job to make them happy and well-adjusted individuals, by exposing them to the full spectrum of human emotions and creativity through works of music and film, before unleashing them into other parts of society.

 

More vacancies available:

MediaCorp could close down by October 2015 if 3 artistes continue to quit per month