Tag Archive | "Singapore"

Root causes of AHTC lapses can be traced to founding of S’pore

Root causes of AHTC lapses can be traced to founding of S’pore

Tags: , ,


By going upstream, root causes would have been eradicated if Singapore remained unmodernised.

ahtc-modern-singapore-lapses

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who believe in going back to the original source, said they agree fully with the audit firm report detailing the root causes of lapses at the Workers’ Party-run Aljunied-Hougang Town Council (AHTC).

This after they saw that the root cause can be traced to the opposition party, if one is being short-sighted, or to the ruling party and how Town Councils were set up and run, if one is far-sighted enough.

However, there was no doubt among the local population that all lapses stemmed from the founding of Singapore.

One Singaporean, Lai Fo Shi, said: “If Singapore remained unfounded and left to the aboriginal population, none of these lapses would have occurred or been registered because the native population didn’t have Town Councils to begin with.”

“As a country that is advanced and modern, it is important to go upstream and look at what really caused these lapses to happen so that the problem can be nipped at the bud.”

“The first prime minister Lee Kuan Yew might need to be blamed as AHTC lapses would not have occurred if he did not found modern Singapore.”

At press time, Singaporeans are also blaming Sir Stamford Raffles and the physical separation of Singapore land mass from the Malay Peninsula 10,000 years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 





All accounting firms in S’pore to close down immediately as no one left to blame

All accounting firms in S’pore to close down immediately as no one left to blame

Tags: ,


Thousands of auditors, accountants and professionals become jobless overnight.

CBD-landscape

All accounting firms in Singapore, from the Big Four to smaller boutique outfits, will be closing down for good.

This after there is no one left to blame in Singapore as a culture of blame has been done away with to be replaced with a culture of learning.

Mei Gong Zuo, a former employee of a major accounting firm, said it is inevitable she has been retrenched: “With no more blame left in Singapore, there is simply no point in trying to protect people from it.”

“This business model of striving for others to remain marginally right, has truly gone to the dogs.”

“Furthermore, for those who are feeling like they did do wrong or that they need to be blamed, to be living with the pain and regret is punishment enough.”

At press time, all companies in Singapore will no longer be required to be audited as rumours swirl that the next to be retrenched will be lawyers and judges, followed by the entire police force.

 

 

 

 

 





Solar eclipse in S’pore was omen by Lee Kuan Yew warning about PAP MP’s personal indiscretion

Solar eclipse in S’pore was omen by Lee Kuan Yew warning about PAP MP’s personal indiscretion

Tags: , ,


Singaporeans, take heed.

solar-eclipse-singapore-omen

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know an omen when they see one as they are very in tuned with the other side, are convinced the solar eclipse that took over the morning sky on Wednesday, March 9, 2016, had been ordained by Lee Kuan Yew to serve as a warnings that something major was about to happen.

Shortly after on Saturday afternoon, March 12, Bukit Batok PAP MP David Ong resigned from the party and parliament.

One Singaporean, Jian Gui, said the solar eclipse omen was definitely by Lee Kuan Yew as a way to tell Singaporeans he still has their interests at heart: “Lee Kuan Yew is watching from up above. He just wants to tell Singaporeans to ready themselves.”

Other Singaporeans said this warning and many others that previously appeared in Orchard Road, that included a spate of fires, could have been in response to other unresolved issues in Singapore that Lee Kuan Yew would like to attend to and he is trying to force the hand of the authorities.

One other local, Hei An, said: “More warnings will carry on unabated until Lee Kuan Yew’s 38 Oxley Road house is demolished just as he had wished.”

“If his will is to be defied anymore, be prepared for the whole of Orchard Road to be razed to the ground while the sky turns black.”

 

 

 

 

 











S’poreans angry new book tries to pass off Lee Kuan Yew as a mere mortal

S’poreans angry new book tries to pass off Lee Kuan Yew as a mere mortal

Tags: , ,


Enough of these lowering of status, they demand.

lee-kuan-yew-up-close

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know that Lee Kuan Yew is the reason they are Singaporeans, have panned the latest book about the founding leader.

The book launch of Up Close with Lee Kuan Yew at the National Gallery Singapore on March 15 was met with sighs and head-shaking as Singaporeans said the new tome tried to show that Lee Kuan Yew was only a person who had unseen sides that reveal him to be affectionate, funny, thoughtful, loving, benevolent, indefatigable, nurturing and kind, among the 300 other human attributes commonly associated with pleasant people.

One Singaporean, Ai Guo, said these supposed revelations about the revered leader fell short as they are not new updates and serve to lower his stature: “We know all that already. Singapore is Lee Kuan Yew and Lee Kuan Yew is Singapore. Having another book published is not going to change that fact.”

“I dislike how the book wants to portray Lee Kuan Yew as a person, like you and me. That’s ridiculous.”

“He is a deity and it is sacrilegious to paint him otherwise and vulgar to even think him as a mere mortal.”

“Whoever sanctioned this book must be sentenced to 15 years of hard labour.”

“What an insult to Lee Kuan Yew’s memory.”

 

 

 

 

 











‘From Swamp To Skyscrapers’ narrative ignores fact that S’pore still has swamps

‘From Swamp To Skyscrapers’ narrative ignores fact that S’pore still has swamps

Tags: ,


This false narrative gives outsiders the impression that mudskippers stay in high-rise apartments.

skyscrapers-singapore

A BBC article framed Singapore’s journey in the last 50 years as one about going from “swamp to skyscrapers”.

A lot of Singaporeans from all walks of life are familiar with this narrative.

However, if we stopped to think, we’d realise that this narrative paints a false picture of what life is really like in Singapore.

Because, the truth is, Singapore in 2016, still has swamps.

By insisting on the “From Swamp To Skyscrapers” narrative, what we are doing is send a wrong message to outsiders beyond Singapore’s shores: We are effectively telling foreigners that the water monitor lizard, mudskipper and Great Egret do not live in the swamps here but in high-rise apartments.

When we do that, what we are doing is effectively whitewashing the biodiversity and the countless species of flora and fauna that live at the intersection of freshwater and saltwater habitats.

Have we considered what Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserve would feel?

Or Pasir Ris Park? Nee Soon Swamp Forest?

How about Chek Jawa?

By continuing to perpetuate this false narrative to create a false consciousness, we will inflict symbolic violence on innocent habitats.

Therefore, we need to stick with the “From Swamps To Skyscrapers With Pockets Of Swamps” narrative for a new beginning to dawn.

 

 

 

 

 











S’pore to end rankings: All schools are haunted schools, likewise all schools are good schools

S’pore to end rankings: All schools are haunted schools, likewise all schools are good schools

Tags: ,


No need to compare, parents of school-going children assured.

all-schools-are-haunted-schools

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who have always thought the schools they personally attended while growing up were the most haunted in Singapore, can finally put their self-centred beliefs aside.

This after the authorities have reiterated that Singapore will be getting rid of school rankings for good in a bid to de-emphasise comparisons across the board to instead focus on the merits of each and every school.

One education authority spokesperson, Kao Di Yi, said the benefits of not focusing on rankings will give parents of school-going children the assurance there is no fear of missing out: “Parents need not worry that their offspring is not getting the most out of their education just because he or she is not in a particular school.”

“Even though there have been many articles online speculating about which schools in Singapore are more haunted, we need to remember schools are all haunted in their own unique way, but at the same time, still largely similar throughout.”

“As Singapore moves away from a ranking-based education system, we also at the same time want to emphasise that just like how all schools are good schools, all schools are haunted schools.”

The education authorities also reiterated that it is looking into ways to make the haunting at each and every school more standardised.

For example, all schools will have at least one female toilet cubicle that is perpetually locked to give the impression that there is something hidden within that cannot be let out, causing students to speculate what lies within.

Other measures would be for teachers to show students that it is rather impossible to carry out an abortion in the toilet or science lab by oneself, as it is simply too noisy, and then flushing the foetus down the toilet and making it out without causing a commotion or letting a teacher see the bloody trail left behind is just not feasible.

This will allow students to come up with more feasible ways their school can be haunted, such as flickering lights and loud banging door sounds during after-school hours to signify there are spirits.

All of these measures will be carried out in a bid to promote creativity within limits and to show that experiences in different schools do not differ that much, given that everyone’s imagination is still limited by certain logical principles and propensity to call out overly elaborate and implausible fraudulent claims.

All schools will also be equipped with a “creepy corner” near the Design and Technology building, where it is rumoured that a lady with long hair and a young child are frequently seen wandering past asking for help.

Parents who heard of these measures said they are heartened that the chance of their children getting possessed and meeting a poltergeist is the same all over Singapore, regardless of socio-economic background or location.

One parent, Kua Teo Qwee, said: “The last thing I want is for my child who goes to a neighbourhood school to meet a Pontianak, while his cousin who goes to a SAP school gets to meet a gentlemanly ghost who converses in crisp Queen’s English while wearing a monocle and top hat.”

“This kind of disparity must be done away with.”

“Or else, I have to make a trip to see my MP during Meet-the-People session again.”

 

 

 

 

 











S’pore to install railings all over country to stop foreigners from using island as playground

S’pore to install railings all over country to stop foreigners from using island as playground

Tags: , ,


What works on a local level can be extended to a national level.

queensway-void-deck

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who have had it up to here because enough is enough, is calling on the government to put up railings all over the island to stop foreigners from treating the country like a playground for fun and games only.

This after Singaporeans read that the Tanjong Pagar Town Council had put up several 3.5-metre railings at the void deck of a Queensway flat as a deterrence to prevent residents there from playing ball games and treating the place like it is meant for fun and games.

One Singaporean, Wai Guo Ren, said the town council has found the perfect solution for a local problem that can be extended to a national level: “Since railings can be put up to deter kids from having fun, the same concept can be extended nation-wide to target foreigners who use Singapore as a place merely for fun and games.”

“Railings must be put up all over Singapore to deter foreigners who use this country as some kind of stomping ground, only to leave once they had their fun.”

“This will prevent locals from absorbing the social problems and dealing with a society afflicted by a deep cultural malaise left behind by outsiders.”

At press time, railings are being erected along Holland Village, River Valley and Sentosa Cove areas.

 

 

 

 

 











Madonna SG concert: S’poreans express grave concerns about abuse of children by Catholic priests

Madonna SG concert: S’poreans express grave concerns about abuse of children by Catholic priests

Tags: , ,


Singaporeans must not support those who are immoral, they said.

madonna-concert-sg

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like riding around on their high horses, have come out to express their grave concerns about the abuse of children by Catholic priests throughout history.

This after the Catholic Archbishop William Goh expressed the Catholic Church’s grave concerns about American singer Madonna’s “Rebel Heart” concert in Singapore on Sunday, Feb. 28, 2016.

Goh reminded Catholics that it was their “moral obligation not to support those who denigrate and insult religions, including anti-Christian and immoral values promoted by the secular world”.

Singaporeans who heard this, said they agree that there is indeed a moral obligation not to support those who denigrate and insult religions and carried out anti-Christian and immoral values, such as Catholic priests who have historically abused children under their charge.

One Singaporean, Nina Kan, said: “I would really like to see the Catholic Church in Singapore come out more strongly against abusive priests, since a lot of what they have done is a lot worse than what Madonna is doing.”

“If Madonna deserves a rebuke, so do the Catholic priests who have or are still molesting and abusing children under their charge.”

“Whose moral high horse is higher now?”

At press time, Nina Kan’s moral high horse is almost as high as the sky.

Send Majulahs Madonna's way.

Posted by We Are Kanina on Tuesday, February 23, 2016

 

 

 

 

 











S’pore lion dance troupes play piano to ensure drums don’t cause public disturbance

S’pore lion dance troupes play piano to ensure drums don’t cause public disturbance

Tags: , , , ,


They are willing to cope with string instruments as long as Singapore is safe and harmonious.

lion-dance-piano

Lion dance troupes in Singapore are putting their trademark drum sets and cymbals away, starting this Chinese New Year.

Instead of relying on loud banging and crashing sounds during performances that could potentially flout the law, many dance troupes said they are performing piano renditions of classic lion dance tunes to keep up with Singapore’s anti-public disturbance laws.

Wu Shi, one of the leading lion dance troupe members, said he is not worried that choreographing dance moves using piano tunes will change the feel of the performance and an abandonment of tradition: “In the past, we have seen the news of drums being banned during Thaipusam. This has made us realised that drums are potentially violent instruments that can unleash the baser instincts in humans.”

“As we are aware that drumming could be banned in other areas as they can be deemed to potentially flout the law, we have taken the first step of keeping up with the times by using pianos instead.”

“Furthermore, it is already not fair to make Indians feel privileged in Singapore by banning drumming previously. All races must face bans when it comes to drumming, so that all races can feel privileged at the same time.”

At press time, concert organisers in Singapore have confirmed that all live acts performing in Singapore from this month onward will have to do so without percussion or any identifiable drum kit.

 

 

 

 

 











10 things you should try not to do when the S’pore Police shows up at your door

10 things you should try not to do when the S’pore Police shows up at your door

Tags: ,


Here are some of the no-nos in general.

singapore-police-lady

Recently, the Singapore Police Force has been in the media quite a bit.

Reports of them showing up unannounced and taking people — who can be minors — away for questioning has resulted in the general public getting twitchy.

To get you mentally accustomed to the idea you or someone you know could be next, here is a list of things to keep in mind in the event the Singapore police does show up at your doorstep one fine evening asking for you.

But that’s just assuming you have enough common sense to react calmly in the face of the police, especially when your mother is crying hysterically and your father has collapsed on the floor as he is now certain there is a criminal in the family tree.

 

Therefore, here is a list of 10 things one should never, ever do when the police shows up at your door unannounced:

1. Try to grab their revolver.

2. Open the door, close the door slowly, turn off the lights, squat down and pretend no one’s home.

3. Admit you were an accomplice in that case in Singapore last time where the ang moh guy killed another guy and dismembered him.

4. Say, “This is Minority Report, right? You’re arresting me for a crime that I will commit in the future?”

5. Say, “I didn’t call for strippers.”

6. Ask, “Eh McDonald’s delivery change uniform?”

7. Take out your student concession pass and shout: “CID! CID! I also CID!”

8. Call the police: “Hello? Police? Got police harassing me. Come quick.”

9. Ask, “Is this how I appear on Crime Watch?”

10. Push the gate open. And make a run for it.

 

 

 

 

 











S’pore chefs: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food too regularly’

S’pore chefs: ‘We try not to spit into food bloggers’ food too regularly’

Tags: ,


People who make your food always wins.

ramen-food-blogger-spore

Chefs from some walks of life in Singapore are shaking their heads and covering their mouths trying hard not to snigger out loud.

This after they admitted that the industry-wide practice is for people working in the kitchen to try not to spit into food bloggers’ food so regularly, especially during tastings which serve as a means of getting back at the Internet scribes who think that they are influential and high and mighty with their blogs.

One restaurant chef, Chi Dong Xi, said: “You think we so stupid willingly pay a few thousand dollars to food bloggers to write positive reviews about us and hope for the best as we slog so hard just to be at their mercy to make or break our establishment?”

“Or you think we so stupid we don’t recognise food bloggers just because we work in the kitchen and have little time for social media?”

“You think we don’t have our prejudices and despise certain haughty individuals who think they are all that? You assume all bloggers are our friends?”

“Always remember, at the end of the day, the ones who prepare the food wins.”

“Always.”

At press time, paranoia across Singapore has set in.

 

 

 

 

 











COE for bicycles as cyclists increasingly using walking pavements like it’s an entitlement

COE for bicycles as cyclists increasingly using walking pavements like it’s an entitlement

Tags: , ,


This is to keep up with the entitlement mentality of Singaporeans.

cyclists-singapore

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like walk on sidewalks and pavements but fear getting knocked down by bicycles, are applauding calls for Certificate of Entitlement to be applied to cyclists.

This after other ideas such as requiring cyclists to get licensed similar to car licenses have been mooted alongside having COE for bicycles.

One Singaporean, Hor Qia Long, said he supports this call for COE for bicycles: “It is really about keeping up with the times.”

“As cyclists increasingly feel entitled to ride on pavements and on the roads and behave like their grandfather owns everything, Certificates of Entitlement should be issued to go with this newfound entitlement.”

Tan Tua Lui, another local, said it takes a bit of social engineering to pull off the introduction of COE for bicycles: “One way to make COE more prestigious to cyclists is to introduce competitions like Subaru Challenge for bicycles.”

“This will allow cyclists a chance to win a COE under difficult circumstances to show how coveted a COE is.”

“And when more people have it, more people will want it. It’s a very Singaporean thing to do.”

At press time, acknowledging how drivers, cyclists and pedestrians use the roads will make them family as they all act like it is their grandfathers’ road.

 

 

 

 

 











Laneway S’pore 2016 concertgoers blame themselves after thoroughly enjoying festival

Laneway S’pore 2016 concertgoers blame themselves after thoroughly enjoying festival

Tags: , ,


They feel guilty for knowing most of the bands playing.

laneway-singapore-2016

Several thousand hipsters and indie types — mainly baristas and freelance designers — went into a depressive spiral and collapsed dramatically on the ground as if their world had been sapped of all colour and turned monochrome like a filtered picture.

This occurred at the end of St. Jerome’s Laneway Festival Singapore held at The Meadow at Gardens By The Bay on Jan. 30, 2016.

This after the indie concert festival attracted tens of thousands of concertgoers who initially thought they would be nonchalant towards, befuddled by and unresponsive to the line-up of music acts no one has heard of, but it turned out that they were cognisant of the performers and their wide repertoire of songs.

Dan Weirdbeard Lim, one of those who attended the concert sporting a man bun, onesie and a pre-pubescent Asian stubble even though he was almost 34 years old and should have been gainfully employed, said: “I was looking forward to not looking forward to the concert and did my best to hide my enthusiasm by constantly having a scowl on my face.”

“Unfortunately, age must have caught up with me as I found myself tapping my foot and breaking into a slight smile the moment I walked into the venue and heard a familiar song playing on the speakers.”

“Worse, I actually mouthed the lyrics.”

His sentiments, however, were not unusual as it was shared by thousands of other hipsters who thought they were each unique like a snowflake in their own way.

They too had thought they would be among the 30 people who would go to such a festival and were in for a terrible time.

Unbeknownst to them, they did not stand a chance when they tried to pull a long face to showcase one’s decision to be moody and oxymoronically unperturbed.

Theodore XXGentrifiedYY Lim, another concertgoer, said his festival experience went from bad to fatal when he almost fainted after seeing a fellow classmate at Laneway: “After catching myself out on several occasions unconsciously tapping my finger against my thigh to the music, I looked up and saw a classmate of mine who went to Jay Chou’s concert last time at the SportsHub.”

“And then I looked next to me and saw a group of people sitting on a mat, sharing food and smiling to one another.”

“What have I become? Part of the mainstream?”

Other attendees said their idea of a terrible festival time was marred the moment the name Charlie Lim rang a bell and they found his vocals familiar.

Things then went utterly pear-shaped when thousands of concertgoers felt glee the moment acts such as CHVRCHES and Purity Ring took to the stage to wild applause.

Susan XOXO Capricious Tan, another concert-goer, said: “I’m so ashamed I clapped and cheered so loudly and couldn’t contain my emotions.”

“I acted like one of those fan girls who just saw One Direction walk out of the airport arrival hall.”

“Worse, during the 15-minute intermission between set changes, I was going “Woooooo!” and shouted “Encore!” at least twice. And the entire crowd joined in.”

“And I made eye contact with this person I did not know who was beside me, like we could relate.”

“This is unbecoming behaviour. We were all so ashamed and red-faced when the lights came on when the whole festival ended.”

For next year’s festival, concertgoers hope the organiser can make the venue bereft of sound and lavatories.

 

 

 

 

 











S’poreans react to Minister Lawrence Wong urging S’poreans to ditch their cars

S’poreans react to Minister Lawrence Wong urging S’poreans to ditch their cars

Tags: , ,


Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.

lawrence-wong-drive-car

National Development Minister Lawrence Wong cautioned on Jan. 30, 2016, against Singaporeans being over-reliant on cars.

He said: “If you look at what we have done over the last 50 years of development, we have built more roads, we have designed our city to accommodate more cars. And if you were to just project that trend for the next 50 years, I don’t think it’s going to be sustainable.”

“We would literally have a city for cars than a city for people, and I think that would be a terrible outcome.”

“It’s not just about becoming a more environmentally-friendly environment. More fundamentally, it is about becoming a more attractive, a more liveable and a more people-friendly city.”

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “If I heard Minister Lawrence Wong correctly, he means that he will still continue to keep his car while the rest of the population ditches theirs.”
Hao Hua Che, 42-year-old used car salesperson

 

sian-half-uncle “It’s easy to say ‘Let’s be less reliant on cars’ when you get driven around all the time.”
Jiao Wei, 65-year-old taxi driver

 

happy-bird-girl “Take it from me: Men who own cars in the future would get more chicks for sure.”
Gian Lui, 19-year-old gold digger