Since when did being a sensible person become so overrated it turned into independence?
New Nation has been criticised in the last few years for being overly successful in making Singaporeans laugh their asses off with our current affairs coverage.
As a result, we have been receiving emails about branching out and going into relationship advice for Singaporean men and women because hilarity is bound to ensue in this area of interest as ever since a time long ago when Man came out of a vagina, he has spent the rest of his days trying to get back into one.
Therefore, we will be giving relationship advice to Singaporeans, but by-and-large sticking to our belief in human decency and progressive politics, thus enshrining the United Nations concept of human rights because hey, did we just make you read that sentence?
Here are 10 moments where Singaporean women mistake normal human decency for independence and being strong-willed and some kind of statement to society that they are not really the fairer sex when, in fact, it is just a bunch of things any self-respecting human should achieve regardless of gender.
1. “I am an independent Singaporean woman because I do not let my man carry my handbag on my behalf.”
Reality: Holding onto your own bag is your personal responsibility. No, wait. It’s actually human decency at the lowest level. Why would you want another human, who has rights and emotions, to sling that fugly thing on his arm? He is not a bag stand.
2. “I am an independent Singaporean woman as I need my breathing space.”
Reality: Everybody, including your pet cat, dog and hamsters — besides men, obviously — need breathing space. But here’s the thing: When women say they need breathing space, what they mean is that their men must abide by their schedule, not vice versa. But this obviously violates the United Nations Human Rights declaration that both men and women must be equal.
3. “I have a strong character because I can be excited on the inside but not show it on the outside.”
Reality: If you are no longer a kid in diapers or a Jack Russell, this is really a moot point.
4. “I am so independent I consider getting into a relationship a choice, not a necessity.”
Reality: The truth is, some people — both men and women included — should not be in relationships and procreate because they are, deep down inside, terrible people. By not letting selfish, horrible, incorrigible people mate, it would really help preserve whatever shred of human decency that is left in our current gene pool.
5. “I am a strong person because I don’t need to follow my man wherever he wants to go.”
Reality: The man would be following her wherever she wants to go because he is the one who drives.
6. “I am strong-willed so I do not appreciate it if my man guilt-trips me.”
Reality: For anyone to even contemplate the idea of guilt-tripping and the tit-for-tat mechanics behind it, she must still be stuck in an infantile stage in her life. Totally not ready for adult relationships.
7. “I am independent so I do not like needy people around.”
Reality: Deep down inside, she is not so much a terrible person but just really socially-awkward and tries hard to conceal that flaw by acting hardened towards others.
8. “I am independent as I will respect your opinions and I expect you to do the same with mine.”
Reality: The fact that anyone has to bring this up goes to show how immature she is. This kind of things are actually a given considering it is the 21st century. This is also one of the lowest levels of human decency any normal person must attain before being let out into polite society in the first place. So why the emphasis?
9. “I am independent and I would like a man with ambition.”
Reality: No one, independent or not, likes a slob. But when you have to emphasise you only like men with drive and ambition who can set goals and achieve them, you are being a discriminatory evil person who cannot value people for who they naturally are (i.e. someone who might occasionally be economically unproductive) but only see things in prices, value and worth. A very Lee Kuan Yew mindset.
10. “I am independent because I can give love as much as I receive it.”
Reality: This kind of thinking actually devalues dogs as a species, as they are unconditional love-givers, who are affectionate to their owners, regardless. This sort of thinking also gives rise to a selfish mindset that has afflicted society and not to mention also undermines the tenets of monotheistic one-directional love provided by an unconditional giving God, and hence, is offensive as an idea to the three main branches of monotheistic religion, namely, Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
As you can tell by now, it is obvious that Singaporean women who consider themselves independent and strong-willed are actually displaying characteristics of human decency, which is something that should be a given.
But what these so-called self-proclaimed independent women are really doing is committing symbolic violence towards lesbians because their worldview is preoccupied with seeing independence and normalised relations as between man and woman, a status quo that will culminate in procreation as the final objective — a perspective that excludes single sex relations.
So, we can thus conclude, self-proclaimed independent Singaporean women are really anti-lesbians.
Other useful relationship advice for Singaporeans:
5 real reasons why more S’porean couples get divorced within 5 years of marriage