Tag Archive | "Singapore"

S’pore to merge with M’sia

S’pore to merge with M’sia

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Best news yet.

singapore-merge-malaysia

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to go overseas to buy groceries and pump petrol, are clapping their hands in glee.

This after Singapore will merge with Malaysia again.

One Singaporean, Qiu Hu Lang, said: “This means we go Johor Bahru buy things no need to bring passport already.”

“Some more S$1 is RM3. Shiok.”

“Instead of one Causeway can build a few more as more people will go in and out, to and fro.”

However, other locals said there will be downsides to this merger.

Kee Pah Yew, another local, said: “Malaysia will take it easy, Singapore will want to chiong all the way.”

“Then later Singapore split from Malaysia then Lee Hsien Loong go on TV cry.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans angry about Artbox ask Chee Soon Juan: ‘You sure our rights worth fighting for?’

S’poreans angry about Artbox ask Chee Soon Juan: ‘You sure our rights worth fighting for?’

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You serious?

chee-soon-juan-artbox

Thousands of Singaporeans from all walks of life, who feel flustered and angry about inconsequential bullshit such as how Artbox is too crowded for their liking, are asking some tough questions.

This after they felt Artbox is too squeezy and ruined their day and have come out to ask opposition politician Chee Soon Juan if he still feels he wants to fight for the rights of such Singaporeans who get upset about stupid shit.

One Singaporean, Didi Jiak, who got upset about Artbox having too many people, said: “All I care about is shopping and eating and wasting my money buying bullshit I don’t need.”

“Chee Soon Juan, do you still feel my rights are worth fighting for?”

“Do you still feel you ought to risk your life and family on behalf of me, a Singaporean who really doesn’t care either way as long as I get to eat and sleep and collect some year-end bonus?”

“Even I have a hard time convincing myself I am worth shit.”

Other locals said knowing Chee Soon Juan is willing to fight on behalf of his citizens can be quite confusing.

Another local, Bu Ren Shi, said: “It would be great if I even know who Chee Soon Juan is.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

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If not, Singaporeans might take life for granted.

infinity-pool-mbs

Singaporeans from all walks of life, even those from the 70 percent, are nodding their heads and looking thoughtful at what is to come.

This after Singapore is set to increase the overall cost of living by 30 percent to raise awareness of the importance of life, as the only way to know something is important is if it is expensive.

One Singaporean, Bu Yao Ming, said: “Sometimes Singaporeans take life for granted. It is good to remind them that life is important and the only way to draw their attention to it is to increase the overall cost of living.”

“If the price goes up, the importance goes up as well.”

“The greater the pinch, the higher up the priority list.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with increasing or decreasing prices as and when one feels like it.

Another local, Mai Huan Loh, said: “They can increase the price of PAP membership and still no one will care.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Arsene Wenger: S’pore govt as efficient with use of money as Arsenal

Arsene Wenger: S’pore govt as efficient with use of money as Arsenal

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Difficulty loosening purse strings would a good caretaker of finances make.

arsene-wenger-singapore-government

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who always bet against Arsenal when they enter the final 16 in the Champions League, are clapping their hands and nodding their heads in agreement.

This after Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger praised the Singapore government for being efficient with its use of money the same way his football club is in the transfer market, resulting in top half finishes but devoid of memorable silverware.

This is following home affairs and law minister K Shanmugam’s comment previously where he said Singaporeans must trust the government to be efficient with its use of money.

One Singaporean, Pang Pua Liap, said: “When you don’t spend on your club and country, you can only finish in the top half without much silverware.”

“When you are too prudent with the funds and disperse it only gradually, do not expect to see leapfrogging grand changes and achievements.”

Other locals said a brave new world with evolving tactics and strategies will require upping the ante and keeping astride with big moves and bold investments.

Another local, Jin Da Fang, said: “When you don’t spend on your people, that will make you a very good caretaker of finances.”

“You can thrive but you won’t bloom, unlike Barcelona or Real Madrid.”

“One must make some risky investments in the young and the unproven and those without track records.”

“Give the people what they want and pamper them once in a while and you might be surprised at what success can be delivered when the time comes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

Thousands of S’poreans still gay despite watching heterosexual scenes for years

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Gay scenes more potent than straight scenes.

pink-dot-singapore

Thousands of Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are gay and happy, are shaking their heads in disbelief.

This after they found out that they are still gay despite being exposed to hundreds and thousands of hours of media featuring heterosexual scenes for years on mainstream media but have not turned straight yet.

This follows the occurrences where straight people suddenly turn gay having watched or seen one scene featuring homosexuality, such as the recent Beauty And The Beast movie.

One homosexual Singaporean, Gao Geh, said: “I find it amazing that watching one scene featuring a gay person on screen can make a straight person engage in homosexuality, while I can watch endless hours of straight people in media hooking up and starting nuclear family units but am still gay as a nipple.”

“Something about a gay person on screen is such a potent force.”

Other locals said converting from one sexual orientation to another overnight should not be underestimated as this metamorphosis could stem from personal experience.

One homosexual local, Lai Zuo Ai, said: “Those who can become gay at the snap of a finger are gay from the start.”

“When anyone warns other people about becoming gay, they are actually warning themselves.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Cull all S’pore Bird Park birds as they may spread bird flu

Cull all S’pore Bird Park birds as they may spread bird flu

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Kill them all.

bird-park-bird-flu

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take preventative measures against the spread of serious diseases, are urging the authorities to cull all the birds in Singapore’s Bird Park.

This after it was reported that the Agri-Food & Veterinary Authority of Singapore resorted to culling free-roaming chickens to curb the spread of bird flu.

One Singaporean, Gan Diao, said: “I’m sorry, but if this is the case, I’m afraid all the birds in the Bird Park would have to go as well.”

“The last thing we need is a sanctuary for bird flu to fester and spread to the entire human population causing an epidemic of biblical proportions.”

“The Bird Park and its entire contents must go.”

However, other locals are not in complete favour with this blunt approach of culling all birds.

Another local, Gong Jiao Wei, said: “The culling of birds should not stop at chickens or the bird park.”

“If Singapore is serious, it must also cull all the jiao lang in this country.”

Jiao lang are the worst. Worse than birds and bird flu even.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans react to raising legal smoking age from 18 to 21

S’poreans react to raising legal smoking age from 18 to 21

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Three thoughts you must have had.

singapore-smokers

Singapore authorities are looking at raising the minimum legal age for buying and using tobacco from 18 to 21.

This was announced by Senior Minister of State for Health Amy Khor in parliament on March 9.

Proposed changes to the law will be tabled in parliament within a year and the change will be phased in over a few years after the law is passed.

Youths above 18 who are already smokers will not be affected by the change.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “You can serve NS, handle a rifle and go to war at 18 but cannot smoke until you’ve turned 21. Makes sense.”
Kee Zho Peng, 44-year-old shoelace maker

 

sian-half-uncle “The most effective way to stop people from smoking is to raise the minimum legal age to 90.”
Kee Qia, 62-year-old lorry driver

 

happy-bird-girl “I guess I’ll just wait till I’m 21 to pick up my smoking addiction. I will settle for drugs for the time being.”
Xi Du, 17-year-old student

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt apologists & sycophants

S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt apologists & sycophants

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That’s quite rich of them.

why-singapore-needs-more-naysayers-01

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who can smell irony from a mile away, are nodding their heads and smiling to themselves.

This after they heard that panellists at the Singapore Management University (SMU) Behavioural Sciences Institute forum, Han Fook Kwang, Kishore Mahbubani, Tommy Koh, Chan Heng Chee and David Chan said Singapore needs more naysayers who can challenge authority.

One Singaporean, Jiang Zhen De, said: “A group of government sycophants and apologists telling Singaporeans they need to be naysayers and ask difficult questions and challenge authority?”

“I am sure this group of people have gotten really far in life being the opposition of the government elite.”

“Look at them. Totally made a career out of being diametrically opposite of the government and sticking it to them.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with asking other Singaporeans to take risks on behalf of other people.

Another local, Ni Xian Qu, said: “It’s always nice to see people succeeding because of the system asking other people to take risks to question the very system they are a part of.”

“If this isn’t rich, maybe they can personally join the opposition now that they are going to retire and feeling cushy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt sycophants & apologists

S’pore needs more naysayers, says govt sycophants & apologists

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That’s quite rich of them.

why-singapore-needs-more-naysayers-01

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who can smell irony from a mile away, are nodding their heads and smiling to themselves.

This after they heard that panellists at the Singapore Management University (SMU) Behavioural Sciences Institute forum, Han Fook Kwang, Kishore Mahbubani, Tommy Koh, Chan Heng Chee and David Chan said Singapore needs more naysayers who can challenge authority.

One Singaporean, Jiang Zhen De, said: “A group of government sycophants and apologists telling Singaporeans they need to be naysayers and ask difficult questions and challenge authority?”

“I am sure this group of people have gotten really far in life being the opposition of the government elite.”

“Look at them. Totally made a career out of being diametrically opposite of the government and sticking it to them.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with asking other Singaporeans to take risks on behalf of other people.

Another local, Ni Xian Qu, said: “It’s always nice to see people succeeding because of the system asking other people to take risks to question the very system they are a part of.”

“If this isn’t rich, maybe they can personally join the opposition now that they are going to retire and feeling cushy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

S’pore to increase cost of living by 30% to raise awareness of importance of life

Tags: , , ,


If not, Singaporeans might take life for granted.

singapore-life-importance

Singaporeans from all walks of life, even those from the 70 percent, are nodding their heads and looking thoughtful at what is to come.

This after Singapore is set to increase the overall cost of living by 30 percent to raise awareness of the importance of life, as the only way to know something is important is if it is expensive.

One Singaporean, Bu Yao Ming, said: “Sometimes Singaporeans take life for granted. It is good to remind them that life is important and the only way to draw their attention to it is to increase the overall cost of living.”

“If the price goes up, the importance goes up as well.”

“The greater the pinch, the higher up the priority list.”

Other locals said there is nothing wrong with increasing or decreasing prices as and when one feels like it.

Another local, Mai Huan Loh, said: “They can increase the price of PAP membership and still no one will care.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Cull all birds in S’pore Bird Park as they may spread bird flu

Cull all birds in S’pore Bird Park as they may spread bird flu

Tags: ,


Kill them all.

bird-park-bird-flu

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take preventative measures against the spread of serious diseases, are urging the authorities to cull all the birds in Singapore’s Bird Park.

This after it was reported that the Agri-Food & Veterinary Authority of Singapore resorted to culling free-roaming chickens to curb the spread of bird flu.

One Singaporean, Gan Diao, said: “I’m sorry, but if this is the case, I’m afraid all the birds in the Bird Park would have to go as well.”

“The last thing we need is a sanctuary for bird flu to fester and spread to the entire human population causing an epidemic of biblical proportions.”

“The Bird Park and its entire contents must go.”

However, other locals are not in complete favour with this blunt approach of culling all birds.

Another local, Gong Jiao Wei, said: “The culling of birds should not stop at chickens or the bird park.”

“If Singapore is serious, it must also cull all the jiao lang in this country.”

Jiao lang are the worst. Worse than birds and bird flu even.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore feels quiet like the 1990s as 1 million foreigners go back home for CNY

S’pore feels quiet like the 1990s as 1 million foreigners go back home for CNY

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Everything appears so calm these past few days.

cny-singapore-empty

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who wonder how different the country might have turned out, are getting hit by waves of nostalgia.

This after they are experiencing 1990s conditions where there were much lesser people in Singapore this Chinese New Year, as an estimated one million foreigners left Singapore the past week to go back to their home countries to celebrate, with commerce and businesses grinding to a halt and an eerie calm has overtaken the country.

One Singaporean, Guo Xing Nian, said there is an appreciable change in atmosphere as the streets are less crowded and even the roads have become more empty: “Really feels like the 1990s where there were less people. The whole place seems to have a sense of normality and calm that I’ve not experienced at any other time throughout the year.”

“No feelings of claustrophobia at all.”

Other Singaporeans noted that this decline in the number of people in the country has improved living conditions as there has been a lesser need to fight for available space and the frenetic pace of everyday living has slowed down considerably.

Xiang Tong Nian, another local said he was surprised that this change is so noticeable, even though he has all along been well aware that Singapore has been reliant on foreigners: “Singapore must have more Chinese New Year public holidays. It will be good for everybody as there will be more days of emptiness.”

“We could really use a bit of that.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Flooding all over S’pore linked to Noah’s Ark event

Flooding all over S’pore linked to Noah’s Ark event

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It was a divine warning.

singapore-flooding

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know an omen when they see one, are urging the authorities to think twice and repent for Singapore’s sins.

This after they noticed that the whole of Singapore flooded on Jan. 23, 2017, is linked to the biblical events of Noah’s Ark, where the world and humanity were destroyed as people turned their backs on God and chose a path of sin instead.

One Singaporean, Qu Jiao Tang, said: “There is no doubt that Singapore flooding is closely linked to the Noah’s Ark message. The speed of the water’s rise was biblically quick.”

“However, God probably thought twice about destroying Singapore as He gave chance for us to change, unlike what happened to the people who did not believe Noah and who had it coming.”

Other locals said given this new lease of life, the first step Singaporeans need to take to signal to the Alpha and Omega is that we are a changed people.

Another local, Yuan Liang, said: “The first step is to recognise where sin in Singapore stems from and it is obvious it comes from the name ‘Singapore’.”

“Therefore, we need to remove ‘Sin’ from ‘Singapore’ and replace it with ‘Righteousness’.”

“So, from now on, ‘Singapore’ will be renamed as ‘Righteousnesspore’.”

“And then we need to build an ark and put at Mandai zoo there, just in case.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Introduce COE for bicycles as cyclists displaying sense of entitlement

Introduce COE for bicycles as cyclists displaying sense of entitlement

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This is to keep up with the entitlement mentality of Singaporeans.

cyclists-singapore

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like walk on sidewalks and pavements but fear getting knocked down by bicycles, are applauding calls for Certificate of Entitlement to be applied to cyclists.

This after other ideas such as requiring cyclists to get licensed similar to car licenses have been mooted alongside having COE for bicycles.

One Singaporean, Hor Qia Long, said he supports this call for COE for bicycles: “It is really about keeping up with the times.”

“As cyclists increasingly feel entitled to ride on pavements and on the roads and behave like their grandfather owns everything, Certificates of Entitlement should be issued to go with this newfound entitlement.”

Tan Tua Lui, another local, said it takes a bit of social engineering to pull off the introduction of COE for bicycles: “One way to make COE more prestigious to cyclists is to introduce competitions like Subaru Challenge for bicycles.”

“This will allow cyclists a chance to win a COE under difficult circumstances to show how coveted a COE is.”

“And when more people have it, more people will want it. It’s a very Singaporean thing to do.”

At press time, acknowledging how drivers, cyclists and pedestrians use the roads will make them family as they all act like it is their grandfathers’ road.