Tag Archive | "singapore traffic jam"

Traffic jams are a security threat

Traffic jams are a security threat

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by Landon Lim

MINDEF has it all wrong. The biggest terrorist threat will not be a from a mysterious Chinese man carrying a black bag into the MRT station. The biggest threat, will emerge from a terrorist blowing himself to bits along the PIE during the rush hour jam, while everyone’s stuck in their car swearing at the ERP. And the best thing about it? The Bomb Disposal unit will be stuck in the jam too, rendering all of us well and truly screwed.

There are definitely too many cars in Singapore and I believe it is because the COE is too cheap. At a price of about $91,000, what are the opportunity costs? Maybe a few Hermes bags or a few holidays to Europe?  Due to ridiculous inflation, the value of $91,000 is slowly becoming negligible.

The constant traffic jams could also be due to traffic accidents (some caused by pedestrians). In a surveying of traffic accidents across the island done by yours truly, it has been noted that an enormous number of cars slow down upon reaching an accident site to take down the car plate number to buy 4D.

I urge MINDEF and the ministry of home affairs to take concrete steps to stop this emerging terrorist threat.

Firstly, to reduce the number of cars of the road, I suggest pegging the price of a COE to the price of a 4-room HDB flat. This way people would rather buy a flat, which they cannot afford anyway.

Also, with the current dirt cheap COE prices causing traffic jams, the MRT being invaded by foreigners, our god of transport thinking that he can miraculously stop the MRT breakdowns by appearing in it and buses going on a rampage, bicycles appear to be the only logical way out. But to prevent future traffic jams due to the numerous bicycles on the road, the government should seriously think about slapping a COE on them as well.

Secondly, to prevent everyone from slowing down to take down accident car plate numbers, the traffic police should provide a service by taking a photo of the car plate and uploading it onto their Facebook page immediately.

Thirdly — my favourite solution to mitigate this situation. We could begin out working day from 11am, which is the time I reach work due to the jam anyway. At the same time, in order to reach home in time for dinner, and to achieve a work life balance to improve the declining birth rate, I propose that we finish work at 4pm.

In line with the government’s policy of total defence, these solutions deter terrorists from taking advantage of the nation’s vulnerability during traffic jams, and will also promote our civil defence sector by more time for baby-making. It also promotes economic redistribution by ensuring that more people have access to crucial information that could affect their chances at the lottery.

On a separate note, I would like to start an investment fund investing in COEs, as it has generated 600% returns over the past 6 years. This is the only real way to beat the 50% inflation rates that will be the norm of the future. Do contact me if you are interested.

Road “Rage”

Road “Rage”

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By Landon Lim (probably not his real name)

Like the 5 million other people in Singapore, I drive almost daily. Every morning I inhale car fumes, look at people digging their nose in their private space while digging mine, and listen to the orchestra of cars honks on the roads. Amidst the honks, I begin to wonder about certain phenomena happening on these tar roads everyday.

A fictional representation of the author

One such phenomenon is pedestrians who cross the roads anywhere and anytime they like, with or without traffic lights, pedestrian crossings or even vehicles around. Many a time, I had to stop my car and wait for the herd to cross before I can move. I know that ~this is my country, this is my flag~ from the song “We are Singapore”, but I honestly do not recall “This is my road” being stated anywhere.

My parents used to tell me to look carefully before crossing the roads as it was dangerous but these people do not seem to know that. The fact that one can be killed, maimed or well, simply injured from getting hit by a car. What on earth is happening? I decided to look into a few possibilities that could have caused this phenomenon.

1) They are descendants of Superman. If they happen to get knocked down by a car, the car would be crushed and they would not be the least bit scratched, thanks to their Kryptonian heritage. So, risking my car and life, I decided to test this out. I banged a guy who was crossing the road without even throwing me a glance, went down to check if he was breathing. He was not. I sped off immediately and ruled out this hypothesis.

2) They own the road they are currently crossing. Driving along Lim Chu Kang road, I saw a man sauntering across the road and decided to ask if his or his father’s name was Lim Chu Kang. Shocked, he replied that his father is Lim Chu Kang and he is Lim Chu Kang Jr. I then asked the 999 other people currently crossing the road, but unfortunately Mr Lim only seemed to have one heir. So there’s only a 0.1% chance of pedestrians owning the road and is therefore not the reason why pedestrians seem to be walking on the road as if they own it.

3) Driving school has taught us wrongly — that the roads are meant for pedestrians in the first place, not vehicles and they should have right of way under all circumstances. I checked my basic and advanced theory books in hopes of getting an answer but could not find any relevant information. Since I could not prove otherwise, I believe this to be the only plausible explanation for this phenomenon.

To resolve this issue, I propose there be a demerit point system for each person we knock down. Taking into account that the sentence for drunk driving and killing a pedestrian while not having a driving license is just 4 months, I suggest 3 demerit points per person knocked down for licensed drivers.

With the implementation of this new policy, there should be a sharp decrease (due to the knockdowns or fear of being knocked down) in the number of pedestrians crossing the roads however they like.

Note: Look out for Part 2 when Landon talks about the solution to traffic jams.

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