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WTF happened to Singapore?: Sir Stamford Raffles

WTF happened to Singapore?: Sir Stamford Raffles

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The founding father of Singapore rose from his grave last Thursday and expressed disappointment in the modern development of the city-state.

“What in the devil happened to my dear trading port?” he exclaimed in a seminar jointly organised by the Overseas Singapore Scholars who Hate the Government Club (OSSHGC) chapters in the Cambridge and Oxford Universities.

Making a rare appearance on his death anniversary 186 years after he was found lifeless at the foot of the spiral staircase at home, Raffles looked gaunt and pensive as he hobbled his way down from Hendon to the London venue to give a half-hour long speech about the principles that he founded Singapore upon.

Sir Stamford Raffles, still looking like a boss after 186 years

“By golly, casinos, slaves, I swear I banned those vices when I founded that tiny island […] If I recall, I think I fired ol’ Billy when I found out that he had been endorsing gambling dens, slavery and opium back in 1822,” he said, referring to his firing of William Farquhar in 1821.

A controversial figure in Singapore’s history, Raffles was often castigated for being an absent father. After founding the port in 1819, he entrusted the British colony to Farquhar, then a lieutenant colonel with the British army, and would only return four years later. By then, the island had flourished economically under his administration, bringing wealth and vice and various slums along the Singapore River.

Farquhar was sacked in 1821 and not much is remembered of him today, despite his contribution to the economic success of modern-day Singapore.

Repeated explaining by the audience that the casinos (which were actually integrated resorts necessary for tourism revenue) and domestic helpers (who are merely very lowly paid workers) were a necessity for Singapore, would do little to persuade Raffles from firing a volley of insults at current prime minister Lee Hsien Loong.

“If I were still alive, I’d have fired this chap a long time ago […] No it doesn’t matter how much the government can extort from the casinos. And what’s with all these cases of corruption? Are the current administration made of morons or what?” he said.

Raffles, who displayed a corpse-like pallor, turned visibly greener when told about the justification for high ministerial salaries.

Despite being essentially an uptight moralistic arse, it was Raffles’s strong moral conviction that saw him claw his way out from six-feet under to look at what his baby had become.

“We knew that he would be rolling around in his coffin with news that Singapore now had two casinos and flooded convention halls,” said the president of OSSHGC, Eh Tak Chek, a second-year history student who drew Raffles out from the netherworld by putting a copy of The Straits Times on his grave everyday for two years.

Raffles stands as the only undead founding father to have addressed a Singaporean crowd so far, though the founding father of modern Singapore, Lee Kuan Yew, has also expressed the possibility that he too could rise from the dead should the country require his expertise.

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