Tag Archive | "SG50"

Ex-Samsui woman touched by SG50 Slim Fit bust enhancement ad

Ex-Samsui woman touched by SG50 Slim Fit bust enhancement ad

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This is so appropriate, she said.

By Seow Char Boar

bust-enhancement-sg50

Ex-Samsui woman Ng Ah Moey was touched upon reading the newspapers today.

She read that in celebration of SG50, the bust enhancement company Slim Fit was offering a 50 cent promotion for bust enhancement.

Speaking through a Cantonese interpreter from her one room flat, Ng said: “I am very proud that Slim Fit is using the nation-building legacy of me and my sisters to promote their bust enhancement services.”

“I hope that Singaporean women everywhere will think of how far Singapore has come when they look at their breasts. As Singapore continues to develop, their bust lines will grow like our nation’s prosperity.”

Ng added that she was going to call Slim Fit right after the interview was over.

“This is what I spent my youth slaving away on construction sites day after day for”, said Ng, struggling to hold back tears. “I have earned this.”

“My only regret is that Ah Mei cannot take advantage of this lobang because she has already returned to China. But then, she has always been well-endowed anyway.”

 

 

 

 

 







S’poreans alert The New Paper’s Melvin Singh to phallic hopscotch at Marina Square

S’poreans alert The New Paper’s Melvin Singh to phallic hopscotch at Marina Square

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They cannot wait for him to write a lengthy opinion piece about how it harms his virginal eyes.

Photo stolen from Royston Boh

Photo stolen from Royston Boh

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who do not see dirty things everywhere they look and think that it harms their virgin eyes, have alerted Melvin Singh from The New Paper to a phallic hopscotch at Marina Square’s SG50 exhibition.

This after Melvin Singh wrote about how he is able to see offensive things and this would instigate bullying, which is ultimately the victim’s fault because people are generally idiots.

One Singaporean, Ji Kee Lan, said they hope this phallic hopscotch shape can inspire more Pulitzer Prize-winning articles from TNP’s Melvin Singh: “I’m sure if Melvin Singh saw this, he can write a 3,000-word column saying that the phallic hopscotch will make people offended and then link it to racial riots and racism.”

Other Singaporeans said Melvin Singh will probably be able to use this offensive phallic hopscotch shape to talk about how there is a need to be careful about harassment, as this image can penetrate one’s consciousness and life, and make people angry.

Another local, Ngerng Liap Kiew, said: “I look forward to reading Melvin Singh’s piece in The New Paper talking about how this phallic-shaped hopscotch will lead to paedophilia and rape, and Singapore’s return to the Malaysia Federation.”

“I also hope to see how he can link this to the fortifying of opposition’s position in Singapore, which leads to this country’s downfall, and ultimately, this phallic hopscotch is most likely Chee Soon Juan and SDP’s fault.”

“And when PAP loses more seats in parliament, he can link back to this phallic hopscotch also.”

At press time, Singaporeans wait with bated breath for Melvin Singh to completely lose his shit.

 

 

 

 

 





Civil servants each get $500 bonus to celebrate SG50 General Election 2015

Civil servants each get $500 bonus to celebrate SG50 General Election 2015

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Money will go a long way in making them understand where their fortunes originate.

civil-servants-singapore

Some 82,000 civil servants from all walks of life in Singapore will each get a $500 one-off payment to mark Singapore’s upcoming general election and the country’s 50th birthday this year.

One civil servant, Zhen Fu Kong, said this bonus will go a long way in making the rest of his peers in government jobs to remember their place in society: “This is a good reminder that civil servants’ fortunes are tied to the government’s prosperity.”

“The money will go a long way in helping us remember.”

However, non-civil servants said this giving out of free money is a lost opportunity to spread gratefulness.

Shi Ren Kong, a non-civil servant, said: “It’s sad that non-civil servants do not get to celebrate SG50 General Election 2015 with extra $500 of their own.”

“If only civil servants and non-civil servants all get $500 each, the election results will be more or less guaranteed in this election year.”

“What a squandered chance.”

 

Civil service is a tough place to be:

Non-scholar civil servant exhausted, glad workweek with scholars finally over

S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug

 

 

 

 











Majority of S’poreans pick SG$50 over SG50 celebrations

Majority of S’poreans pick SG$50 over SG50 celebrations

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Why not give them SG$50 each as part of SG50 celebration then?

SG50-dollar

A survey of more than 77,000 Singaporeans from all walks of life, who always have an opinion on hand to dish out if asked for one, has found that the majority of locals are in favour of SG$50 over SG50 celebrations.

This after the survey found that given a chance to participate in a SG50 celebration event or be given SG$50, more than 99 percent of survey respondents said they have no qualms chasing gains and will rather take the cash on any given day than go for celebrations.

Interestingly, the survey also discovered that when given a chance to pay SG$50 to avoid taking part in a SG50 event, a resounding majority — some 85 percent of respondents — still said they would suffer losses just to avoid being part of festivities.

However, far from being seen as a negative trait among Singaporeans, the authorities have justified this behaviour as uniquely SG50, if we all looked at it their way.

A government spokesperson, Tao Nao Pai, said: “The desire to pick SG$50 over SG50 celebrations indicate a willingness to still be part of SG50 festivities as SG$50 notes still have “50” in them.”

“This readiness to embrace SG$50 could be due to the fact we have been increasing production of SG$50 notes in a bid to remind Singaporeans of SG50 celebrations subtly.”

“Naysayers who accuse the government of always reverse-engineering to make reality fit the plans, fail to understand that this is a technique called ‘Forward Thinking Backwards’.”

“This is where we do something first and then only come up with the significance and justifications later after all is said and done, so that it is imbued with meaning.”

“It has been going well thus far.”

“But no, we don’t believe in giving out SG$50 cash rewards for Singaporeans in this SG50 year as it will only cause a crutch mentality to develop.”

 

This is what your taxes are used for:

S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug

 

 

 

 

 











August 7 declared Lee Kuan Yew Day, a new annual public holiday

August 7 declared Lee Kuan Yew Day, a new annual public holiday

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Children and adults are encouraged to dress up as Lee Kuan Yew that day.

lee-kuan-yew-day

In a bid to remind Singaporeans that Lee Kuan Yew is still the leader and always will be, Aug. 7 has been declared Lee Kuan Yew Day in honour of our founding father.

This new public holiday will start in 2015 as part of SG50 celebrations and will be an annual public holiday added to the calender of public holidays.

A government spokesperson, Fang Chang Jia, said: “This SG50 Aug. 7 to 10 long weekend will be called Lee Kuan Yew Weekend to celebrate Singapore’s jubilee year.”

“As part of festivities, the Botanic Gardens, Gardens By The Bay and various other places will host several performances from Aug. 7 to 9 dedicated to Lee Kuan Yew. Children and adults are encouraged to dress up like Lee Kuan Yew in honour of him.”

Singaporeans from all walks of life said they are ecstatic to hear that there will be an extra day of public holiday during National Day period, all thanks to Lee Kuan Yew founding a country like Singapore when he could have settled on being a Malaysian back in the 1960s.

Kee Jiak Hong, a local, said: “Oh my goodness, I can’t wait to book a short trip to Bangkok on that National Day long weekend.”

Zeh Puay Kee, another Singaporean, said: “Long weekend shiok. Can go overseas and enjoy cheap food and entertainment.”

“Thank you, Lee Kuan Yew.”

 

Other good Lee Kuan Yew news:

S’pore to be renamed Lee Kuan Yew next year

Tan Pin Pin’s film must be banned because it’s version of history differs from Lee Kuan Yew’s memoirs

Election rules relaxed to allow Lee Kuan Yew’s Madame Tussauds wax figurine to run as candidate

SG50 changed to SG700 after archaeological dig reveals S’pore was founded 700 years ago

SG50 changed to SG700 after archaeological dig reveals S’pore was founded 700 years ago

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Government seeks refund for all grants and subsidies given out for SG50 celebrations.

empress-place-archeology

Singapore looks set to scrap all SG50 celebration plans and change the tagline to SG700.

This after a recent archaeological discovery at Empress Place revealed evidence that a modern civilisation with state-of-the-art planning and transport system had been established in Singapore some 700 years ago.

This has resulted in all plans for this year’s SG50 celebration activities to come to a halt, as the belief that Singapore was founded and modernised only in the last 50 years has been revised to accommodate a history of the country that extends more centuries back.

The government is also looking for refunds of subsidies and grants that have been handed out for SG50 celebration plans.

Kee Oh Tng, a historian who studies Singapore history, said the Empress Place archeological dig is vital proof that Singapore was more than just a fishing village in the past and even had advanced infrastructure that rivals today’s standards: “Based on the dig, we are able to confirm that Singapore was developed then and the populace had more transport and housing options than people in Singapore have today.”

“Based on the records of how spread out the artefacts were discovered, we can conclude for a fact there was no overcrowded conditions even though there was a liberal immigration policy 700 years ago. The locals and foreigners were well-adjusted then and the populace did not face taxing day-to-day living standards.”

“It is also evident that the transport system then ran on time, with more options such as private horse carriages and rickshaws to move people from place to place at far more affordable prices than today.”

“Housing was definitely more affordable then too, with young couples owning the property and affording to buy a place of their own without putting themselves into lifelong debt.”

At press time, the government is re-burying all the artefacts found and sealing them up for good and resuming with the regular SG50 celebrations and the previous Third World to First World narrative.

 

 

 

 

 





SG50 changed to SG700 after Empress Place archeological dig reveals S’pore was founded 700 years ago

SG50 changed to SG700 after Empress Place archeological dig reveals S’pore was founded 700 years ago

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Government seeks refund for all grants and subsidies given out for SG50 celebrations.

empress-place-archeology

Singapore looks set to scrap all SG50 celebration plans and change the tagline to SG700, the government announced today in a brief media statement.

This after a recent archeological discovery at Empress Place revealed evidence that a modern civilisation with state-of-the-art planning and transport system had been established in Singapore some 700 years ago.

This has resulted in all plans for this year’s SG50 celebration activities to come to a halt, as the belief that Singapore was founded and modernised only in the last 50 years has been revised to accommodate a history of the country that extends more centuries back.

Ad by Wikiproperty.co

Ad by Wikiproperty.co (Singapore)

The government is also looking for refunds of subsidies and grants that have been handed out for SG50 celebration plans.

Kee Oh Tng, a historian who studies Singapore history, said the Empress Place archeological dig is vital proof that Singapore was more than just a fishing village in the past and even had advanced infrastructure that rivals today’s standards: “Based on the dig, we are able to confirm that Singapore was developed then and the populace had more transport and housing options than people in Singapore have today.”

“Based on the records of how spread out the artefacts were discovered, we can conclude for a fact there was no overcrowded conditions even though there was a liberal immigration policy 700 years ago. The locals and foreigners were well-adjusted then and the populace did not face taxing day-to-day living standards.”

“It is also evident that the transport system then ran on time, with more options such as private horse carriages and rickshaws to move people from place to place at far more affordable prices than today.”

“Housing was definitely more affordable then too, with young couples owning the property and affording to buy a place of their own without putting themselves into lifelong debt.”

At press time, the government is re-burying all the artefacts found and sealing them up for good and resuming with the regular SG50 celebrations and the previous Third World to First World narrative.

 

In other alternative news from an alternate universe:

Numerous PAP MPs put on 24-hour suicide watch after Khaw Boon Wan said commit suicide because of lapses

 

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PM Lee launches coup, steals Pink Dot idea by starting his own Red Dot

PM Lee launches coup, steals Pink Dot idea by starting his own Red Dot

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A week before coup he was asked if he would be joining Pink Dot 2015.

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

Photo stolen from here

In what is perhaps the least original rehash of a concept this year, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong has participated in a coup by stealing the annual LGBT Pink Dot movement idea of standing on a grass field and forming a circle, by standing on a grass field and forming a circle but of a different colour.

The leader of Singapore organised his own gathering of thousands of individuals and called it Red Dot, in what semi-professional political observers see as a backlash silent moral majority movement for conservative Singaporeans.

Touted as the largest record-breaking gathering of straight Singaporeans, the Red Dot movement was carried out in earnest at Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Park on Jan. 31, 2015.

Some 3,050 Singaporeans participated with their umbrellas in the air and waving it around like they just don’t care.

One political analyst, He Pi Jiu, said in between sips of beer with his buddies at the coffee shop: “This is a clear sign of provocation. One week before this Red Dot event, PM Lee Hsien Loong was specifically asked during his first-ever Facebook chat on Jan. 24, 2015 if he would be wearing pink to join the Pink Dot movement this year.”

pm-lee-pink-dot

“Exactly one week later, he forms his own conservative movement by mobilising his own folks. This just shows he had been coveting the idea of forming a circle on a grass patch all along already.”

“Then again, this could very well just be the Singapore government being confident about being able to continue churning out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till August because everything can be interpreted as a celebration these days when you’re getting desperate.”

 

SG50 is a multi-ministry effort:

S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug

 

 

 

 

 





SG50: S’pore govt claims credit for timing Joanne Peh-Qi Yuwu baby’s conception with 1965 movie release in Aug

SG50: S’pore govt claims credit for timing Joanne Peh-Qi Yuwu baby’s conception with 1965 movie release in Aug

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Celebrations break out across multiple government ministries.

joanne-peh-qi-yuwu

Emphasising yet again that celebrations to mark Singapore’s 50th birthday this year are going even better than expected, the Singapore government has come out to claim responsibility and take full credit for MediaCorp artistes Joanne Peh and Qi Yuwu’s announcement that they are having a baby.

The Singapore government said all credit goes back to the ruling regime for successfully encouraging the pair to time the conception and eventual birth of their baby to coincide with the release of the movie, 1965, in August later this year.

The two artistes had been slated to star in the state-commissioned movie about glorifying Singapore and Lee Kuan Yew, a project which was announced in the last quarter of 2014 and which is to be released this year as part of SG50 celebrations to mark the country’s jubilee year in existence.

News of the pregnancy announced on Jan. 29, 2015 saw government ministries across the board celebrating and demanding for half-day off.

A high level government spokesperson, Shen Hai Zi, said: “We really outdid North Korea this time with our messaging.”

“This is really a double whammy for us.”

“We would like to thank all the government ministries and civil servants across the board for their hard work in ensuring this conception happened exactly in time as planned. As a result of our hard work, we will be having a high-profile SG50 baby that would outdo Fann Wong and Christopher Lee’s baby last August.”

“Furthermore, this would also really help shore up our messaging that graduate mothers should have babies and having a degree and a good career is not a deterrent to having children.”

Sources familiar with the behind-the-scenes talk understand that more co-stars in 1965 will soon be announcing their own pregnancies and marriages shortly.

 

SG50 stories will bring a tear to your eye:

S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug 2016

S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug 2016

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Civil servants across ministries will work day and night on it to maximise taxpayers’ dollars.

sg50-balloon-hats

Saying that running out of superficial SG50 celebration ideas before Singapore’s National Day is not an option, top officials in the Singapore government have vowed to continue to work day and night to ensure that enough random ideas that don’t even make sense are conceived to tide Singapore through the next six months till Aug. 9, 2015.

Jin Boh Leow, a top government spokesperson, said initial fears of not having enough superficial celebration ideas to last till Singapore’s 50th birthday six months down the road were overwrought, as not all civil servants in the public sector have been deployed to think about even more nonsensical ideas in full strength: “I have no doubts that the civil service can deliver when it comes to the inane and banal.”

The spokesperson added: “If you thought buying 50 grand Steinway pianos for $1.3 million to be used for one performance was the hallmark of profligate spending and avarice in the name of celebration, I can bet you my next 13th month bonus, you’ve seen nothing yet.”

Sources familiar with how superficial pointless ideas are generated within the government said the process has been sped up the past six months, with civil servants spending the remainder of their office hours not sending emails thinking of ideas not inspired or even related to Singapore’s history or circumstances.

However, there are rules-of-thumb that civil servants can follow that have been foolproof.

Another civil servant, Tao Jin Tia, said the key to coming up with SG50 celebration ideas is to think of things that are completely unrelated to Singapore and national day and proposing it anyways: “We just had this idea to get few thousand people to wear balloon hats together, and from there, work backwards to cook up a story about community-building and slap the #SG50 hashtag on it.”

“The trick is to have no link between the event and national day celebrations because the process of putting one and one together for a nice narrative will be left to the mainstream media, who are pioneers of cooking up stories out of thin air.”

At press time, other ways to celebrate SG50 that have been thought up include serving mee pok with exactly 50 strands of noodles in each bowl, having children shout “I am SG50″ 50 times in a row each morning and wearing 50 t-shirts one on top of another to symbolise Singapore’s growth.

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug

S’pore govt confident they can churn out enough superficial SG50 celebration ideas to last till Aug

Tags: ,


Civil servants across ministries will work day and night on it to maximise taxpayers’ dollars.

sg50-balloon-hats

Saying that running out of superficial SG50 celebration ideas before Singapore’s National Day is not an option, top officials in the Singapore government have vowed to continue to work day and night to ensure that enough random ideas that don’t even make sense are conceived to tide Singapore through the next six months till Aug. 9, 2015.

Jin Boh Leow, a top government spokesperson, said initial fears of not having enough superficial celebration ideas to last till Singapore’s 50th birthday six months down the road were overwrought, as not all civil servants in the public sector have been deployed to think about even more nonsensical ideas in full strength: “I have no doubts that the civil service can deliver when it comes to the inane and banal.”

The spokesperson added: “If you thought buying 50 grand Steinway pianos for $1.3 million to be used for one performance was the hallmark of profligate spending and avarice in the name of celebration, I can bet you my next 13th month bonus, you’ve seen nothing yet.”

Sources familiar with how superficial pointless ideas are generated within the government said the process has been sped up the past six months, with civil servants spending the remainder of their office hours not sending emails thinking of ideas not inspired or even related to Singapore’s history or circumstances.

However, there are rules-of-thumb that civil servants can follow that have been foolproof.

Another civil servant, Tao Jin Tia, said the key to coming up with SG50 celebration ideas is to think of things that are completely unrelated to Singapore and national day and proposing it anyways: “We just had this idea to get few thousand people to wear balloon hats together, and from there, work backwards to cook up a story about community-building and slap the #SG50 hashtag on it.”

“The trick is to have no link between the event and national day celebrations because the process of putting one and one together for a nice narrative will be left to the mainstream media, who are pioneers of cooking up stories out of thin air.”

At press time, other ways to celebrate SG50 that have been thought up include serving mee pok with exactly 50 strands of noodles in each bowl, having children shout “I am SG50″ 50 times in a row each morning and wearing 50 t-shirts one on top of another to symbolise Singapore’s growth.

 

SG50 news keeps getting better:

SG50: Miss Universe Singapore’s costume to be mass produced, issued to all primary, secondary school students

 

 

 

 

 

 





SG50: Miss Universe Singapore’s costume to be mass produced, issued to all primary, secondary school students

SG50: Miss Universe Singapore’s costume to be mass produced, issued to all primary, secondary school students

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Unisex national costume will promote community bonding.

miss-singapore-universe-2015

Miss Universe Singapore Rathi Menon’s golden five stars and crescent moon national costume she wore at the international Miss Universe pageant will be mass manufactured and distributed to all primary and secondary school students to wear as part of this year’s SG50 celebrations.

The 24-year-old’s gold skintight national costume paired with gold thigh-high boots will serve as a reminder to the young how far Singapore has come and it will be a symbol of Singapore’s rise in the last 50 years to achieve gold standards of living.

The mass manufacturer noted that the version issued to primary and secondary school students will be exactly the same as what was worn on stage as it is a “Unisex” version suitable to be worn by boys and girls.

Mei Chuan Yi, a Singaporean patriot, said this SG50 initiative will create a buzz for young Singaporeans and expose them to good vibes of this country: “This will really allow young Singaporeans to come together to feel as one in the name of the country.”

“As you can tell, the costume symbolises many of the progressive ideas of Singapore: Democracy, justice, peace and equality, to name a few, because it is gold and shiny like all the new buildings that have been erected in Singapore.”

“We hope that more can be done to encourage children and adults to wear this costume as part of this year’s SG50 celebrations.”

 

Miss Singapore Universe news:

Super bastard comments trolling Miss Singapore Universe 2013 finalists

Miss Singapore Universe 1998 to 2012: 15 years of winners

Perth says she will not take in Jesslyn Tan