Tag Archive | "SEA Games 2015"

S’pore fails to honour Lee Kuan Yew by winning less than 91 gold medals in SEA Games 2015

S’pore fails to honour Lee Kuan Yew by winning less than 91 gold medals in SEA Games 2015

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Athletes demanded to reflect on their lack of sincerity.

sea-games-2015-gold-medal

Singaporean athletes have been told to reflect on their abysmal SEA Games 2015 performance.

This after the nation’s sports men and women clinched less than 91 gold medals needed to honour Lee Kuan Yew’s legacy and finished second behind Thailand in total medals haul.

One sports official, Pai Ma Pi, said: “This result of 84 gold medals is seven short of 91. We have no idea why we would ever need 84 gold medals.”

“Previously, we had already urged the athletes to stop at 50 gold medals to be in line with the SG50 theme but they did not heed our advice despite warnings that they might be required to return all medals above the required 50.”

“Now 84 gold medals is not here, not there. We cannot do anything about this number as there is no significance.”

“I seriously doubt the sincerity of our athletes in making Singapore look good.”

At press time, sports officials are planning additional competitions just before SEA Games 2015 closing ceremony, such as spelling bee and tic-tac-toe, for Singapore to excel in to make up for the gold medal shortfall.

 

Not with the programme:

S’pore SEA Games athletes urged to stop at 50 gold medals or else it will ruin SG50 theme

 

 

 











S’poreans react to M’sians fascination with gymnast’s aurat

S’poreans react to M’sians fascination with gymnast’s aurat

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Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.

Farah-Ann-Abdul-Hadi

Malaysian gymnast Farah Ann Abdul Hadi was criticised by Muslims for showing her “aurat” and the “shape of her vagina” in a leotard despite winning a gold medal at the SEA Games 2015.

The 21-year-old Malay woman has since hit back at her critics by saying that “Empty cans make the most noise”.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

 

sian-half-auntie “As a Singaporean, I must say I was pretty fascinated by her aurat too. Best in this SEA Games 2015.”
Kee Tiao Bu, 50-year-old nurse

 

sian-half-uncle “Should have told me earlier. Would have paid more attention to gymnastics competition.”
Kwa Zha Bor, 65-year-old taxi driver

 

happy-bird-girl “Malaysians should have watched synchronised swimming events if they wanted to see more aurats at one time.”
Kah Kwee Kwee, 22-year-old insurance agent

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’pore SEA Games athletes urged to stop at 50 gold medals or else it will ruin SG50 theme

S’pore SEA Games athletes urged to stop at 50 gold medals or else it will ruin SG50 theme

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Additional medals must be surrendered to SEA Games 2015 organiser.

Action Images via Reuters

Photo stolen from Action Images via Reuters

Singapore’s top athletes at the SEA Games 2015 have been urged to stop winning gold medals at all competitions.

This after swimmer Tao Li clinched Singapore’s 50th gold medal on Tuesday as she won the 100-metre women’s backstroke event.

This was followed by swimmer Quah Zheng Wen gold medal in the 400-metre individual medley, pushing the tally past the sacred 50 number.

Minister Of Leisure, Exercise & Sporting Talents (MOLEST) Zhuo Yun Dong has urged patriotic athletes to return any excess gold medals after the 50th one as it reflects poorly on the SG50 theme: “We have achieved a sporting milestone of 50 gold medals today and I am very proud of all the hard work that has paid off.”

“However, I am disappointed we won more than 50 gold medals as it ruins the whole SG50 theme.”

“Look, we planned the SEA Games 2015 to be held in Singapore for a good reason, so that it coincides with Singapore’s 50th birthday.”

“Once we won the 50th gold medal, we should have stopped as 51, 52 or 53 just doesn’t look good anymore.”

“I strongly urge all athletes who wins gold medals after the 50th one to surrender their medals to the SEA Games 2015 organising committee.”

“This is a true show of your love and patriotism to Singapore.”

“Or else, you all better win 91 medals in total, then at least we can use that number to honour Lee Kuan Yew.”

 

If you need luck this SEA Games 2015, you know who to turn to:

Punters pray to Andy’s father for good luck to bet on SEA Games 2015 football matches

 

 

 











Host S’pore expected to win more unexpected gold medals this SEA Games 2015

Host S’pore expected to win more unexpected gold medals this SEA Games 2015

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Host countries always win more unexpected golds because that’s how sports is fair.

sg-synchronised-swimming

Host Singapore is expected to win more unexpected gold medals this SEA Games 2015, said athletes, coaches, sports fans and government officials from Singapore who reiterated that they are ready for any unprecedented haul of medals.

This after Singapore’s synchronised swimming team won the Republic’s first-ever gold in the SEA Games, dethroning reigning champions Malaysia, and Singapore’s first gold in fencing came from the same day of events, which will then be followed in the next few days of competition by golds in netball and floorball, which are all the events that the other countries are equally bad at so that’s why it is fair for Singapore.

Ying Dao Wan, a local sports athlete, said: “As the host for the SEA Games 2015, Singapore is expecting to win more unexpected gold medals because that’s what host countries do and this is a demonstration of how sports is fair and meritocratic.”

“It’s is really about embracing the spirit of the Games by playing games with the rules and organisation of tournaments so that it doesn’t look like it is in favour of the home ground but it is.”

“This will also help Singapore demonstrate how to have a massive medal haul but still remain humble in the face of victory and complete annihilation of our competitors.”

At press time, Singaporeans from all walks of life said they are looking forward to more unexpected silver and bronze medals as well, as these unexpected medals needed to be won by the host country as well, or else, what’s the point of hosting the SEA Games.

 

SEA Games 2015 facts you could use:

5 things you never knew about SEA Games 2015

Publicity poster for SEA Games 2015 causes offense as it features the words ‘Willie’, ‘Loo’ & ‘SIN’

Armpit hair removal cream to help SEA Games swimmers shave off miliseconds from timing to win gold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 











Punters pray to Andy’s father for good luck to bet on SEA Games 2015 football matches

Punters pray to Andy’s father for good luck to bet on SEA Games 2015 football matches

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May he help us.

andy-father

Punters in Singapore from all walks of life who are looking for winning streaks have started to pray to Andy’s father for good luck to befall them so that they can win big betting on football matches this SEA Games 2015.

This after Andy’s father became an emblem of good footballing luck as he famously bet his and his son’s entire life savings on Germany winning the World Cup 2014, which netted him a total of $270 million in profits.

One Singaporean punter, Kee Puah Kiao, said Andy’s father is an inspiration to all who want to wager some against the gods: “If I can only have 10 percent of Andy’s father luck, is good enough for me.”

Other punters, however, are looking to worshipping Andy, as he is seen as the son of a footballing genius.

Another punter, Tan Dua Lui, said: “I have cut out all the photos of Andy and kept some of them in my wallet.”

“And to make sure I got all my bases covered, I am also praying to the original National Council for Problem Gambling advertisement.”

“It is also an emblem of luck.”

“And we heard he is going for Thailand this SEA Games 2015.”

 

Andy’s father is rich:

Andy’s father made $270 million betting on Germany

 

 

 

 

 

 

 











5 things you never knew about SEA Games 2015

5 things you never knew about SEA Games 2015

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Incredible facts.

sea-games-volleyball

The SEA Games 2015 is coming this June and many of you must be wondering: Why would I care?

Rightfully so, because sporting achievement is one of those kind of things where it just doesn’t make much sense for you to watch someone else exercise when none of the benefits accrue to you.

Not to worry.

Here are 5 incredible facts you did not know about SEA Games 2015 but do now:

 

1. Most activities are actually held on land

sea-games-2015

That totally thwarted your idea that all the games happen at sea. Funny, isn’t it?

 

2. It is actually a competition where athletes train for many years of their lives

sea-games-podium

Contrary to the claim that it is “Games”, the SEA Games is actually competitive where people put in a lot of sacrifices to get to where they are.

 

3. SEA stands for South East Asia, taking its reference from Europe, when in fact, Earth has no such thing as up and down orientation in space

table-globe

Cute, isn’t it?

 

4. None of the rules of the various sports were mandated by God or any higher power

god-mural

So, this means the Games is man-made from the start to cater to arbitrary man-made ideals of excellence.

 

5. Winning medals does nothing to each country’s domestic economy

asean-countries

It is not as if the more medals you win, the better your country’s economy does.

 

More interesting sports stuff:

S’pore shouldn’t use SIN to represent us in sports because it’s a dirty word

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Publicity poster for SEA Games 2015 causes offense as it features the words ‘Willie’, ‘Loo’ & ‘SIN’

Publicity poster for SEA Games 2015 causes offense as it features the words ‘Willie’, ‘Loo’ & ‘SIN’

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Call police.

willie-loo-sin

Singaporeans from all walks of life who are easily offended because their virgin eyes and ears need to be protected from contamination, are calling on the authorities to look into a publicity poster for the upcoming SEA Games 2015.

This after the poster showed the words “Wille”, “Loo” and “SIN” on it, which are bad words if people really think about it.

Chu Nan, a Singaporean man who took offence at the poster, said: “This is not right. Previously, at least one Singaporean had already appealed to the authorities to get rid of ‘SIN’ as the representative code for Singapore as it is associated with vice and sex. The appeal was even published in the national newspaper, The Straits Times.”

“Now, what we’re seeing here are so many more words that connote other bad things that come into my mind all at one time. I cannot take it. I must call police now.”

However, not all Singaporeans are quick to take offence and do not see any merit in calling the police to report this matter.

Another local, Zhen Wu Leow, said: “I think ‘Loo’ and ‘SIN’ are quite okay words still, but I’m not so sure about ‘Willie’.”

“I guess I have no choice but to write to my MP about it.”

“And later on, CC it to Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong. And the entire Cabinet to register my displeasure.”

“After which, I’d forward it to The Straits Times as a forum letter because they have no qualms publishing anything.”

 

Quick, let’s take offence now:

S’pore shouldn’t use SIN to represent us in sports because it’s a dirty word

Take the porn out of Singaporean

 





Armpit hair removal cream to help SEA Games swimmers shave off miliseconds from timing to win gold

Armpit hair removal cream to help SEA Games swimmers shave off miliseconds from timing to win gold

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Hair causes drag that slows swimmers down.

nivea-hair-removal-armpit

Singapore’s national swimmers competing in the upcoming SEA Games 2015 in June will not only be applying pressure on their fellow Asean competitors by training hard and gunning for record-breaking performances — they are also applying hair removal cream to their armpits.

This unorthodox move is to remove all traces of follicles sticking out from their underarm areas, to ensure that they do not cause unnecessary drag to slow down Singapore’s national swimmers.

One Singaporean swimming coach, Ang Jin Siong, said: “Armpit hair will produce drag in the water, slowing down the swimmers.”

“Furthermore, as we all know, shaving off armpit hair is tedious, so the better way to achieve hairless results is by using armpit hair removal cream, as the only thing the swimmers are focusing on shaving off is time from the race clock.”

At press time, the national swimmers are reading the product’s fine print directions for usage to see if they can apply the cream to their eyebrows.

 

Other steps athletes need to take to win gold medals:

Team S’pore athletes reminded they must never drink, have sex ever again

 









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