Life as a blue collar worker in industrious America has never been more fulfilling.
Just 2 years ago Michael Smith, 35, was your typical banker wanker. A top investment banker in the Bank of America, Smith used to make millions a year while paying less tax than most Americans. Smith had it all, because the asshole never gave a cent to charity anyway.
Until he got laid off alongside the 29,999 other BofA personnel.
But thanks to the Banker Retraining Scheme (BRS) offered by the government under the Obama administration, Smith found a way into society finally as a normal, middle-class American worker as a candlestick maker in a suburban factory in Iowa.
The BRS was among the schemes offered in the administration’s push into a labour intensive manufacturing-based economy in a bid to solve a persistent unemployment problem.
“American exports should have been the main driver of our economy”, said government spokesperson who declined to be named. “But good, decent middle class American workers were losing their jobs to China due to currency manipulation.”
The Obama administration accuses China of artificially keeping the yuan undervalued to maintain their export advantage. And cold hard statistics supports its view. According to the CIA fact book, exports made up less than 9% of American GDP in 2010.
“We want to be the factory of the world”, said a representative from the U.S. department of commerce at a speech given during Smith’s prize-giving ceremony. “Anything China can do, we can do it cheaper, better and faster. And with reformed citizens like Mikey, we’ll be sure to reach that success point in no time”.
Smith was accompanied by his wife and 3 children during the ceremony. Eschewing his old wardrobe of silk shirts and ties, he instead chose a white tee paired with overalls. His wife wore a blue jumpsuit and a polka dotted scarf. All their apparel were apparently from JC Penny and proudly stitched in America.
“All those years I’ve forgotten what it meant to be a productive American. I’m working longer hours now at the factory and I have a hernia but boy am I proud to see the candles that emerge at the end of the line everyday. I was earning much more selling financial products in a previous life but I realize I was only fucking up the global economy.”
When asked if he hoped his children would follow in his footsteps, he nods enthusiastically.
“The rich have benefitted too much from the system. I want my children to learn about equality and fairness and what’s truly middle class America. They will grow up learning good old fashioned small town values and earn their keep through hard labour. If I open my small candle making business in a few years time, maybe they’ll help me there too. Fuck banking, blue collar America is the way to go now.”