Tag Archive | "North Korea"

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un congratulates new S’pore president decisive win

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un congratulates new S’pore president decisive win

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Singapore praised for securing president without placating Western democratic sensibilities.

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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has extended his congratulations to Singapore’s newest Malay president for achieving a solid decisive win without the need for an election.

This after an unemployed Indian woman overcame her race to become the newest Malay president of Singapore.

The congratulatory note sent via the only fax machine from Pyongyang to Singapore praised the establishment for engineering new electioneering norms that dispenses of the idea of holding elections, without earning the ire of the West.

The North Korean fax said: “His Supreme Leader is impressed by the Singapore system of president selection make mandatory for uniting the people in chance to choose great leader.”

“In North Korea, the people, hardworking and strong, must stop work for one day to cast their ballots for Supreme Leader, who is elected by winning the mandate of 100 percent of North Koreans, who are true Koreans.”

“In Singapore, the mandate of the people is won without a single vote cast. This makes you better than South Korea, which is ravaged by political turmoil and scandal because the people are weak and put individuals before country and are puppets of America.”

“This is an achievement that has not been invented even in the motherland, where elections are time for the people to renew their faith in the Dear Leader.”

“If North Korea follows Singapore method, Imperialist Pig America to launch attack threaten North Korea sovereignty.”

“But North Korea is brave and strong because united people vote for Kim Jong-un as number one leader of strong democratic nation to make protection from evil West.”

 

 





Kim Jong Un wins 100% of popular vote

Kim Jong Un wins 100% of popular vote

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Puts other democratically elected leaders in Asia to shame

kim jong un

North Korea’s supremely overweight leader was re-elected to the supreme people’s assembly without a single dissenting vote in his district this week. Voters had two options on their ballot – to say Yes, or No – to another five years of rule by the kingdom’s most eligible bachelor. Despite there being no other candidate on the roster, voter turnout was at a 100%.

“North Korea has become an unprecedented example of how Asian democracy works,” said self-styled political pundit Eric de Yaya.

“There was no vote buying used, nor was there massive American-style wastage of time and resources during the campaign period. People voted for continued stability and the status quo – Kim Jong Il single handedly prevented a hurricane from destroying the country. No one else has such a proven track record.”

The victory of the young Kim Jong Un has put many of Asia’s leaders to shame. No other leader has won by a landslide 100% before and election watchers in Malaysia and Indonesia frequently report cases of vote buying in rural villages.

“Singapore should learn from North Korea. Why waste money on election sweeteners when you can intimidate your voters into acquiescence. If economic growth and stability is the end game for Asian democracies, trying to convince voters to take their bitter medicine – that is western style freedoms are only detrimental to the country’s overall standard of living – is futile.”

Invisible weapons of mass destruction found in North Korea: UN

Invisible weapons of mass destruction found in North Korea: UN

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Reclusive country ready for thermonuclear war on universe

North Korean soldiers appear to be mocking "Gangnam Style" in a propaganda picturePhotograph: AFP/KNS

North Korean soldiers appear to be mocking “Gangnam Style” in a propaganda picture Photograph: AFP/KNS

PYONGYANG – United Nations officials have discovered weapons of mass destruction stored in a top-secret silo in Haeju city, North Korea. This latest discovery corroborates with existing threats from Pyongyang that the reclusive country is ready for a thermonuclear war that could engulf South Korea and the universe as we know it. But years of false alarms have prepared the world to defend itself should a real threat arise.

“Our team in North Korea have confirmed the existence of a miniature nuclear device and hundreds of long range missiles that do not explode prematurely,” said a UN spokesperson who did not actually see the weapons.

According to the UN, these weapons are fully functional and have been equipped with invisibility, rendered them undetectable to both the human eye and radar. However new technology developed by the US military, namely the Fusion Utility Detector (FUD) has made it possible for humans to sense the presence of these weapons within a 50m radius.

“There’s nothing more reliable than FUD today. Though it may occasionally malfunction, as it did in Iraq prior to the war, FUD is the most effective means we have to discover threats to national security,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney.

Since the announcement of the confirmation, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, also known as “Dear Chubby” has issued the following statement:

“The undisguised hostile actions of the United States and its South Korean puppet have left me no choice but to move towards war. Surrender or me pull lever go boom”.

Japan has already deployed missle-defense systems around Tokyo in the event that North Korean weapons do not backfire while South Korea’s military has reported missile movements on North Korea’s east coast, in the wrong direction.

“This could be a backup plan by Pyongyang to actually hit South Korea should the missiles fly towards China,” said South Korean security specialist Choo Suk-mi.

North Korea has urged foreigners in South Korea to make evacuation plans (“Run underlings run!”), claiming that visitors might get hurt should a non-rhetorical war be launched. No warning has been issued to tourists in North Korea should the weapons implode in the silo.

“The fervour in Pyongyang is truly amazing,” said seasoned war tourist Takatana Ono. “North Korea is probably the last bastion of authentic propaganda left in the world, now that hipsters have made even Chairman Mao memorabilia ironic.

World’s worst baddies (dead and alive)

World’s worst baddies (dead and alive)

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These days, death is a fashionable must-have for dictators/terrorists/megalomaniacs of all sorts.

By Terence Lee

Darth Vader. Doctor Evil. Voldemort. Fiction and Hollywood are filled with great villains, but all of them pale in comparison to the real-life monsters we have in our midst. Together, these individuals are responsible for countless wars, and millions upon millions of innocent lives lost.

While some are captured and killed, others remain scot-free. Here, we take a short trip down memory lane and present you a totally unauthoritative list of the most evil villians ever.

#6 Muammar Gaddafi

If there’s an award for World’s Ugliest Baddie, he deserves it. Frog-faced Gaddafi was the autocratic ruler of Libya for over 40 years. His star power rose after he massacred thousands of civilians when they demanded that he step down from power.

His stubbornness and borderline insanity led to a civil war which lasted for months, and he has shown himself to be ruthless when it comes to putting civilians in harm’s way. He came perilously close to routing the rebels, but NATO’s intervention turned the tide of battle. Most recently, the rebels have reported that Gaddafi was shot and killed while trying to escape in a four-car convoy.

But while he scores points for his peacock-like fashion sense (probably compensating for his ugly face), he’s a noob when it comes to the PhD of villiany. His war with the rebels lasted for only a few months, and he was stupid for not escaping to neighboring countries when he had the chance. US President Obama must be really pleased.

#5 Kim Jong Il

Kim: "Can my cucumber be as big as this?"

Little known fact: Kim’s birth name was actually Yuri Irsenovich Kim. But more popularily known as Kim Jong Il, this shortie is a God amongst men. Revered as the Great Leader, he commands the respect of his brainwashed citizens, many of whom sing patriotic songs praising the Motherland.

This dude is ruthless. He commands the fourth largest standing army in the world, is ranked the 31st most powerful person by Forbes in 2010. He has no qualms about eliminating political rivals that stand in his way.

His propaganda is so potent that some North Koreans supposedly believe that he has a magical ability to change the weather. They even think that Kim is a global fashionista whose attire has set trends around the world. While that is a bit far out, he is somewhat of a cultural phenomena, having inspired a humor site and a YouTube video.

While he is very good at staying in power, he doesn’t have a lot of villainous deeds to be proud. He has a lot of bite but no bark. While he is good at hanging on to power, he did not start a war.

Unlike the next dude.

#4 Osama Bin Laden

The first virgin.

Ten years. That was how long it took to capture and kill him. His most famous act was of course 9/11, where he killed thousands of Americans. He was also the catalyst for two wars, one in Afghanistan and the other in Iraq. As the leader of terrorist network Al-Qaeda, he had a US$25 million bounty on his head —  enough to make 25 people millionaires.

Raised as a devout Muslim, he attended an elite theological school and may have even earned a degree of two. The brainy turbanator also did charity, enjoyed reading and writing poetry. He even plays soccer and was said to be a fan of Arsenal FC. New Nation spoke to a club spokesperson, and they won’t admit anything.

His crowning achievement, of course, was Al-Qaeda. He started the group in 1988, and slowly developed their version of jihad where the killing of innocent lives was permissible. He was responsible or involved in many terrorist operations throughout the 90s, which would become training exercises for the destruction of the Twin Towers.

But that singular act also proved to be his greatest downfall. Since he went for the jugular, Americans were outraged. They struck back, invaded Afghanistan, and sent Osama fleeing into the mountains. As brainy as he was, he failed to see that killing 1,000 people in 10 separate operations was much safer than killing 1,000 at once. And while he was foxy enough to evade capture for a decade, Obama eventually got Osama, found a stash of porn in his house, and discovered that he had a crush on Condoleezza Rice.

#3 Saddam Hussein

In the Facebook age, Saddam has been quickly forgotten. But as the former president of Iraq, he was responsible for the death of over 200,000 Kurdish people and other minorities. The mass killings happened from 1986 to 1989 as a decisive campaign against insurgency. Poison gas was used in cities, causing thousands of deaths. Many men accused of being rebels were sent to concentration camps where they faced the firing squad.

His hold on power, however, ended in 2003 when then US President George W. Bush invaded Iraq. He was eventually captured later the same year, tried in 2004, and executed in 2006 by hanging.

#2 George W. Bush

Seriously, you can’t get any more badass than former American President George W. Bush. This dude is directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of two of his rival villians (Saddam and Osama). And while many credit President Obama for killing Osama, you cannot ignore the painstaking intelligence work that was conducted during Bush’s time.

He invented an excuse to get rid of Saddam, telling the whole world that Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction, ie the Nuclear Bomb. As if to prove his macho-ness, he invaded Iraq without telling the other world leaders, effectively showing them the middle finger. And guess what? No nuclear devices were found. Zilch. Nada. And the World Leader was left red-faced.

He effectively sent thousands of patriotic American troops to a totally unnecessary war, causing unneeded casualties, widowed women, and fatherless children.

Either he was incredibly stupid, or hungry for oil.

And while he was busy inspecting troops in foreign lands, the US economy was suffering. A classic misstep: He instituted tax cuts while spending trillions of dollars on two war fronts.

But are his exploits enough to place him in the number two spot? Yes, because he got away scot free. He eased off into retirement, writing books and giving speeches. Only in the Land of the Free can that happen.

#1 Adolf Hitler

As evil (and clueless) as George Bush was, even he cannot match most devious character in human history — Adolf Hitler. Not much needs to be said about him, because plenty is  known. He wiped out 6 million Jews off the face of the Planet (and probably 10 Einsteins amongst them). Indirectly, he was responsible for killing over 60 million people, just for starting World War 2.

But if you think that’s the total extent of his impact, you’re wrong. While killing of Jews was horrifying in itself, it resulted in a revolt against Anti-Semitism which eventually led to the creation of the state of Israel.

His legacy is still evident today. On YouTube, he’s the inspiration behind countless parody videos, which altogether accumulated billions of pageviews.

Also, no sane parent would ever name their children ‘Adolf’ or ‘Hitler’.

That is why he is the number one baddie of all time.

Image credits: iluvuflickr, Marion Doss, Amir Farshad Ebrahimi

America is the least gay country on Earth: North Korea researchers

America is the least gay country on Earth: North Korea researchers

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China is the gayest of them all.

It’s official: China is the gayest country on this planet, at least according to North Korea’s Chosun Central Television.

China’s perfect score was reported to be 100 out of 100 points, and she is unrivaled as the second place position went to North Korea, which earned 98 points to be slightly less gay than China. Read the full story

North Korea’s cinema of dreams

North Korea’s cinema of dreams

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