Tag Archive | "MRT"

Don’t overburden MRT by riding it at the same time

Don’t overburden MRT by riding it at the same time

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This puts undue stress on the MRT and commuters.

circle-line-breakdown-people

MRT trains should not be treated like the best option for the masses to get around at the same time.

The main issue is that those doing so are overburdening the public transport system.

Also, commuters who take the MRT at the same time are putting undue stress on the system and themselves.

Disallowing people from taking the MRT at the same time will lead to normal usage of the machines, which would help in reducing the frequency of breakdowns.

Therefore, can we please stop taking the train together at the same time?

Yours sincerely,
Da Di Tieh

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans unveil ‘Move-It Motherf#&ker’ mascot that relies on Samuel L. Jackson’s likeness

S’poreans unveil ‘Move-It Motherf#&ker’ mascot that relies on Samuel L. Jackson’s likeness

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It is to encourage MRT trains to get moving when they break down.

move-it-mofor-mrt

Joining the ranks of Bag-Down Benny and Hush-Hush Hannah that was introduced two years ago to encourage passengers to make public transport more pleasant, Singaporeans from all walks of life unveiled their latest cartoon character, “Move-It Motherf#&ker”.

Move-It Motherf#&ker has been introduced to encourage MRT trains to keep moving as Singapore has been facing an increasing number of break downs in the transport system and it borrows liberally from Samuel L. Jackson’s likeness.

One Singaporean, Mai Tu Leow, said: “Whenever the MRT breaks down, Singaporeans channel their inner Samuel L. Jackson a lot. This particular image relies heavily on the actor’s iconic role in Pulp Fiction.”

“We hope that this new character will bring the Move-It Motherf#&ker in the MRT system and all of us commuters.”

Other locals said the character is a good reminder and that they will use it’s advice more often now that he is public.

Another local, Siam Ji Pee, said: “This is also an appropriate message for people who should be keeping left on the escalator but are hogging the right.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans shocked no MRT train disruption this morning

S’poreans shocked no MRT train disruption this morning

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No train disruption on any given day is abnormal.

mrt-station-circle-line

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take MRT train because cars are for rich people, said thank you to SMRT CEO Desmond Kuek on Nov. 18, 2016.

This after the MRT train system did not break down this morning as it had experienced a series of MRT and LRT disruptions the last six months.

This led to Singaporeans rejoicing as it is a different way to start the day.

One Singaporean, Jin Gan Ji, said: “We would like to collectively assure that we Singaporeans do not cause the SMRT CEO Desmond Kuek’s trains to break down again. We are very sorry that we did so the previous few years.”

“The SMRT CEO does not have to keep dealing with this kind of thing.”

Other Singaporeans said they are glad a lack of MRT breakdowns is starting to make the news these days.

Another local, Shang Bao Zhi, said: “This means Singapore has progressed to the next level already.”

“But the day has not ended yet, so I’m still keeping my fingers crossed.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





S’poreans to start making love on MRT as there is not much space

S’poreans to start making love on MRT as there is not much space

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Most ideal place in Singapore.

mrt-breakdown2015

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to listen to what their leaders have to say as they are highly-paid, are going to drop their pants, berms, skirts and shorts, while hiking up dresses and have a go on the MRT.

This after Senior Minister of State Josephine Teo said you don’t need much space to have sex.

One Singaporean, Tuo Yee, said: “The MRT is the best place to have sex as there is always not much space. The best timings include morning and evening peak hours, and especially when the MRT breaks down.”

“That is when there is really not much space at all.”

Other locals said making love while riding the train has its perks.

Zuo Ai, another local, said: “It will really help Singaporeans to stay bonded as one.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Temasek to invoke Lemon Law if more hairline cracks found on SMRT trains

Temasek to invoke Lemon Law if more hairline cracks found on SMRT trains

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If the train breaks down again, they are also going to return it.

mrt-train-lemon

Temasek Holdings will be counting on Singapore’s Lemon Law a lot in the near future.

This after they realised the SMRT trains they are going to buy for a few billion dollars might have more hairline cracks or would break down again, rendering them lemons in the eyes of the law.

A Lemon Law provides additional rights to consumers for non-conforming goods, which are those of a different quality, condition or type than that which was agreed upon during the transaction.

One Singaporean, Suan Ling Mong, said: “They came here to buy trains and train tracks, not lemons.”

“Therefore, if it turns into a lemon, they are not going to idly stand by and live with it.”

“It is good that Singapore safeguards the interests of buyers from unscrupulous sellers.”

Other locals, however, said buyers beware applies as well.

Yu Chun, another local, said: “If buyers do not exercise due diligence and still opt to buy products from questionable sellers, there is nothing the law can do sometimes.”

“You can warn people not to go to Sim Lim Square but a fool and his money are soon parted.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Hatched Godzilla egg found to be cause of Circle Line MRT train breakdowns

Hatched Godzilla egg found to be cause of Circle Line MRT train breakdowns

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Local engineers glad they have found the source of the problem.

hatched-godzilla-egg-circle-line

Engineers in Singapore from that particular walk of life, who have to deal with MRT breakdowns all the time because such issues are increasingly rampant, have isolated the cause of the problems of the Circle Line MRT.

This after the Circle Line MRT kept breaking down for consecutive days in a row, leaving commuters angry and authorities baffled.

However, the cause of the service breakdowns, they have found out, was due to a radioactive hatched Godzilla egg discovered to be residing along the tracks between Lorong Chuan and Serangoon.

The radioactive decay due to the hatched egg emitting radiation, which included alpha particles, beta particles, gamma rays and conversion electrons, was what was interrupting with train signals leading to breakdowns.

One engineer, Jing Kiang, said: “We would see the frequency of breakdowns along the Circle Line greatly reduced now that the radioactive hatched egg has been removed from the track premises.”

“There shouldn’t be any more interference as we’ve removed the problematic empty shells. All is well now.”

“We mustn’t let our problems define us.”

Singaporeans from all walks of life agreed that things can only get better now that the cause of the breakdowns has been eliminated.

One local, Kan De Kai, said: “Finding out that an empty hatched Godzilla egg is the source of the Circle Line problems is such a relief.”

“And here I am wondering and cursing the authorities, thinking if the Circle Line problems will ever be diagnosed.”

“It is almost as if I can only see the smaller problem instead of the bigger one.”

At press time, it is a matter of time before Godzilla emerges from the depths of the Straits of Johor to bash its way from the north to the south and destroy the CBD Marina Bay district.

 

 

 

 

 

 





MRT train breakdowns to give S’poreans slower pace of life

MRT train breakdowns to give S’poreans slower pace of life

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Singaporeans are forced to slow down, which is a good thing in this 70 percent mandate climate.

mrt-interior

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take the MRT train because cars are for rich people, have come out to applaud train faults and breakdowns.

This after MRT services were disrupted several times during peak hour recently.

However, this was not something to be frowned upon.

One Singaporean, Man Man Lai, said being held up was a blessing instead: “Whenever there is a train fault or breakdown now, I take it as a cue to take things slow.”

“It is a good time to stop and smell the roses and not be constantly on the move and in a rush to get from place to place.”

Other Singaporeans said they are also very supportive of a slower pace of life.

Jin Jian Kang, another local who has experienced numerous train faults so far, said: “Having to slow down to a crawl is good for my health.”

“Especially in this 70 percent mandate climate, there’s no point feeling bitter and angry anymore.”

“Everything is awesome. Everything is cool when you’re part of a team.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Temasek to invoke Lemon Law if any more hairline cracks found on SMRT trains

Temasek to invoke Lemon Law if any more hairline cracks found on SMRT trains

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If the train breaks down again, they are also going to return it.

mrt-train-lemon

Temasek Holdings will be counting on Singapore’s Lemon Law a lot in the near future.

This after they realised the SMRT trains they are going to buy for S$1.18 billion might have more hairline cracks or would break down again, rendering them lemons in the eyes of the law.

A Lemon Law provides additional rights to consumers for non-conforming goods, which are those of a different quality, condition or type than that which was agreed upon during the transaction.

One Singaporean, Suan Ling Mong, said: “They came here to buy trains and train tracks, not lemons.”

“Therefore, if it turns into a lemon, they are not going to idly stand by and live with it.”

“It is good that Singapore safeguards the interests of buyers from unscrupulous sellers.”

Other locals, however, said buyers beware applies as well.

Yu Chun, another local, said: “If buyers do not exercise due diligence and still opt to buy products from questionable sellers, there is nothing the law can do sometimes.”

“You can warn people not to go to Sim Lim Square but a fool and his money are soon parted.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Colourful MRT lines show that public transport is gay

Colourful MRT lines show that public transport is gay

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MRT lines must, therefore, be in 50 shades of grey.

completed-mrt-map

Dear New Nation,

I applaud the authorities’ move in discouraging the kissing scene between two male actors in Les Misérables Singapore show.

However, I would like to urge the authorities to go further by re-examining the design of the MRT map.

As Singapore expands its public transport system, we will require more colours to differentiate one line from another, turning our map into a veritable rainbow.

As it is now well-established in Singapore, rainbow designs have been the LGBT movement’s insidious and hidden method of converting all Singaporean to homosexuality and can certainly be blamed for Singapore’s falling birth rates.

I, therefore, implore the authorities to seriously consider changing our system maps.

There is no concern about not being able to identify one line from another, as Singaporeans have already discovered 50 shades of grey they can use to indicate different lines.

50 shades of gray is also an appropriate colour scheme to use because of the book. I have not read it but I have heard that it details the sex life of a heterosexual male and female, and should be a shining beacon of what Singaporeans must aim to have.

I suggest we carry out the change in phases so as not to affect the public’s daily routines too much, starting with NEL, because it is the purple line.

Yours sincerely,
Anonymous letter writer

 

 

 

 

 

 





NSF no place to sit down because MRT train carriage full, reports his Third Eye

NSF no place to sit down because MRT train carriage full, reports his Third Eye

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Now that’s tough.

nsf-train-stand

A full-time national serviceman seen standing in one of the train carriages has confirmed that he could not sit down as the train was fully packed, contrary to eye witness accounts and photographic proof that the train was empty at that time.

The NSF, who gave his name as Kwa Teo Kwee, said: “When I’m outfield, it is also always quite crowded, a lot of children crying and even elderly men and women asking for directions to go home.”

“They will also ask me if I have seen their belongings and the last place they went to was YMCA at Stamford Road or that they were last at Changi beach but now they are here.”

“Some of them will ask me for help and ask where is their family or how do they find the gate and the bridge to go over but I try not to talk to them. At least not that often. And they do get angry.”

“And that’s when accidents happen.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to sit down. But there is just no where to sit. It is impolite to take other’s seats. Especially without asking, or maintaining eye contact first.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





Able-bodied S’porean man had nightmare he was Stomped when he fell asleep on MRT train

Able-bodied S’porean man had nightmare he was Stomped when he fell asleep on MRT train

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He was sitting on a regular seat when he fell asleep.

man-sleep-mrt-train

A completely able-bodied Singaporean man, who is healthy and contributes to society by working and paying taxes, woke up with a startle while sweating profusely and breathing heavily on the MRT train this evening as he had a nightmare.

This after the man dreamt that he was being Stomped.

Koon Orh Orh, the Singaporean man, said: “The last thing I remembered was that I sat down on an available seat on the train as people got off to change trains at the interchange station.”

“Then the next thing I knew, I was suddenly looking at myself seated on the reserved seat and there was a heavily pregnant standing right in front of me.”

“I tried calling out to myself but I couldn’t wake up and I could see people looking at my sleeping self like I was Satan incarnate Himself.”

“And then I saw a few people take out their camera phones and pointed them at my direction and taking photos as I slept and looked like I was selfishly hoarding the seat and not giving it up to the pregnant woman.”

“And I was really panicking at this point, but there was nothing I could do to wake myself up from the reserved seat.”

“Then I started screaming. Next thing I knew, I was shaken awake, sweating and breathing heavily through my mouth but still seated on the regular seat. I realised I was having a nightmare.”

“But I noticed the people around me had vacated their place and there was an empty space surrounding me even though the rest of the train was very crowded.”

“I awoke to see at least a few cameras pointing in my direction and realised they were taking a video of me the whole time while I was having my nightmare.”

“Now the video is trending on Facebook.”

 

 

 

 

 

 





North-South Line MRT train struck by lightning an omen by Lee Kuan Yew

North-South Line MRT train struck by lightning an omen by Lee Kuan Yew

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Singaporeans, take heed.

lee-kuan-yew-lightning-strike

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know an omen when they see one as they are very in tuned with the other side, are convinced the North-South Line MRT train struck by lightning on Wednesday, May 11, 2016, had been ordained by Lee Kuan Yew to serve as a warning that something major was about to happen.

The incident occurred during a thunderstorm around 4pm between Yishun and Yio Chu Kang stations, crippling the train.

One Singaporean, Da Lei, said the lightning strike omen was definitely by Lee Kuan Yew as a way to tell Singaporeans he still has their interests at heart: “If you thought the PAP lightning logo and the lightning strike on the MRT train was a sheer coincidence, you obviously deserve to be more religious to strengthen your belief in superstitions.”

“Lee Kuan Yew is watching from up above. He just wants to tell Singaporeans to ready themselves.”

“This is a message for his son.”

Other Singaporeans said this warning and many others that previously appeared in Orchard Road, that included a spate of fires, could have been in response to other unresolved issues in Singapore that Lee Kuan Yew would like to attend to and he is trying to force the hand of the authorities.

One other local, Jian Gui, said: “More warnings will carry on unabated until Lee Kuan Yew’s 38 Oxley Road house is demolished just as he had wished.”

“If his will is to be defied anymore, be prepared for the whole of Ang Mo Kio and Yio Chu Kang to be razed to the ground while the sky turns black and rain lightning bolts.”

 

 

 

 

 





Khaw Boon Wan takes out diary, scribbles furiously: ‘100 days start today’

Khaw Boon Wan takes out diary, scribbles furiously: ‘100 days start today’

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Four-day disruption-free streak broken by massive MRT power fault.

khaw-boon-wan-diary

Transport Minister Khaw Boon Wan took out his pocket diary from his breast pocket and flipped to a page somewhere in the middle.

Witnesses said he was seen scribbling quite furiously into the page marked out with today’s date, April 25: “100 days start today.”

This after both the North-South and East-West lines went down simultaneously in the evening on Monday, April 25, due to a power fault.

Sources close to the scene said he then tore out the previous few pages in the diary and threw it into the litter bin, before muttering something under his breath: “96 more days to 100 days.”

“So close.”

The last train disruption was on April 21, two days after Minister Khaw said the North-South Line achieved 100 days without any major incident and was on track to better reliability.

At press time, Minister Khaw was seen excusing himself from the crowd as he closed his eyes, bit his lips and held back tears for jinxing it.

 

 

 

 

 





MRT gantries affirm commitment to be reliable even during power disruptions

MRT gantries affirm commitment to be reliable even during power disruptions

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They will continue to deduct your fares even with no power.

mrt-breakdown-power

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who like to take the MRT because cars are for rich people, are slow clapping and nodding their heads in approval.

This after MRT gantries continued to function as if nothing is wrong despite portions of both the North-South and East-West lines going down simultaneously in the evening on Monday, April 25, due to a power fault.

Train services between Joo Koon and Bugis stations on the East-West line and between Woodlands and Jurong East stations on the North-South line were affected.

One commuter, Zhen Shen Qi, said she is impressed by the gantries reliability to continue to deduct fares even with no power on: “The manufacturer of these MRT gantries must teach the manufacturers of the trains and tracks on how to be reliable.”

“Even though there is no light in the station and all the power is switched off, the gantries are still functioning like normal.”

“This is the type of reliability that has traditionally been reserved for the ERP gantries.”

“After nuclear holocaust, also no problem.”

At press time, however, other Singaporeans praised SMRT for reaffirming their commitment to be reliable by predictably breaking down every day on both lines so as to not keep commuters guessing about when the next disruption will be.