Tag Archive | "kim jong-un"

Kim Jong-un starts CPF scheme to make North Koreans pay up without using force

Kim Jong-un starts CPF scheme to make North Koreans pay up without using force

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A brilliant system, Kim said.

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Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know what it is like, are folding their arms and feeling slightly bad.

This after North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un returned to his home country after visiting Singapore and immediately started implementing the CPF system the moment he touched down.

One Singaporean, Gong Ji Kim, said: “I heard Kim Jong-un tell his aides that the CPF system is the most ingenious thing in the world and he is glad he learnt about it when in Singapore.”

“By starting CPF in North Korea, he can get the peasants in his country to cough up monthly payments automatically without having to resort to violence and physical coercion, which is time consuming.”

“The CPF contribution will be the easiest way to go about doing things, he said.”

Other Singaporeans said having the CPF system in North Korea might strengthen the people there.

Another local, Pah Buay See, said: “Kim Jong-un just needs to go back and tell his people this is for their own good and they can rest assured that their future is well taken care of because of CPF contributions, which can be used to buy house, pay for healthcare and fund retirement.”

“He will then implement a minimum sum, which will keep increasing every year so the amount will never be met by the peasants.”

“So, if the North Koreans can survive the CPF system, they can survive famine, civil strife, anything.”

 





Kim Jong-un says Pyongyang Times much to learn from The Straits Times

Kim Jong-un says Pyongyang Times much to learn from The Straits Times

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Invites ST staff to run Pyongyang Times.

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Singaporeans from all walks of life, who know the truth and are always waiting for the right time to tell it because those supposed to do so aren’t, are clapping their hands loudly and cheering at the top of their lungs.

This after North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un praised Singapore’s The Straits Times and its newsroom team, and has invited them back to his home country to run the Pyongyang Times or open another state media news outlet.

One Singaporean, Gong Jiao Wei, said: “It is not surprising Kim Jong-un is impressed with The Straits Times. There is also no doubt ST can surpass Pyongyang Times any given day.”

Pyongyang Times has to report good news about things that happen, while Straits Times can report good things even when nothing happens.”

“That’s the main difference.”

Other Singaporeans said the North Korean leader admires what Singapore’s English newspaper can do without having the top brass in the country intervene regularly.

Another Singaporean, Pai Ma Pi, said: “I heard Kim said he hopes the ST team can teach North Korea’s newsroom what to do and lower the execution rate at work.”

“Kim’s gripe is that he has to instruct his country’s state media on what to write and what not to write, and it can get tiring having to think on their behalf daily.”

“In Singapore, the state media are always thinking on behalf of the rulers and coming up with more story angles than imaginable.”

“It is like they know exactly what to do to make their political masters happy.”

At press time, The Straits Times is continuing to make Kim Jong-un look better than in Pyongyang Times.

 





Trump & Kim to stay at President Halimah’s Yishun flat as S’pore hotels fully booked

Trump & Kim to stay at President Halimah’s Yishun flat as S’pore hotels fully booked

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Yishun welcomes them.

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Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are bored and listless in Singapore as there is nothing to do all the time and are waiting for the greatest show of a lifetime, are prepared to have their lives turned upside down on June 12, 2018.

This after United States President Donald Trump and North Korea leader Kim Jong-un are expected to check in at President Halimah Yacob’s Yishun flat and stay overnight there as all hotels in Singapore are fully booked by end-May with the US-North Korea summit not confirmed yet.

One Singaporean, Zheng Hu Chu, said: “It is a great honour for Yishun to welcome the arrival of two of the most powerful men in the world.”

“If Yishun is safe enough for our president, it is safe enough for any president.”

“We have all the necessary equipment and security protection, such as the canvas awning at the void deck to protect the great leaders from the rain as they enter and exit the continental presidential motorcade.”

Other Singaporeans said Yishun as a location bodes well for the leaders as they will bring much fanfare to the estate in the north.

One other Singaporean, an Yishunite, Seow Lang Keng, said: “Yishun is known for being the land of the crazies. So, it is no surprise Kim and Trump can join us.”

“We are honoured.”

 





Invisible weapons of mass destruction found in North Korea: UN

Invisible weapons of mass destruction found in North Korea: UN

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Reclusive country ready for thermonuclear war on universe

North Korean soldiers appear to be mocking "Gangnam Style" in a propaganda picturePhotograph: AFP/KNS

North Korean soldiers appear to be mocking “Gangnam Style” in a propaganda picture Photograph: AFP/KNS

PYONGYANG – United Nations officials have discovered weapons of mass destruction stored in a top-secret silo in Haeju city, North Korea. This latest discovery corroborates with existing threats from Pyongyang that the reclusive country is ready for a thermonuclear war that could engulf South Korea and the universe as we know it. But years of false alarms have prepared the world to defend itself should a real threat arise.

“Our team in North Korea have confirmed the existence of a miniature nuclear device and hundreds of long range missiles that do not explode prematurely,” said a UN spokesperson who did not actually see the weapons.

According to the UN, these weapons are fully functional and have been equipped with invisibility, rendered them undetectable to both the human eye and radar. However new technology developed by the US military, namely the Fusion Utility Detector (FUD) has made it possible for humans to sense the presence of these weapons within a 50m radius.

“There’s nothing more reliable than FUD today. Though it may occasionally malfunction, as it did in Iraq prior to the war, FUD is the most effective means we have to discover threats to national security,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney.

Since the announcement of the confirmation, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, also known as “Dear Chubby” has issued the following statement:

“The undisguised hostile actions of the United States and its South Korean puppet have left me no choice but to move towards war. Surrender or me pull lever go boom”.

Japan has already deployed missle-defense systems around Tokyo in the event that North Korean weapons do not backfire while South Korea’s military has reported missile movements on North Korea’s east coast, in the wrong direction.

“This could be a backup plan by Pyongyang to actually hit South Korea should the missiles fly towards China,” said South Korean security specialist Choo Suk-mi.

North Korea has urged foreigners in South Korea to make evacuation plans (“Run underlings run!”), claiming that visitors might get hurt should a non-rhetorical war be launched. No warning has been issued to tourists in North Korea should the weapons implode in the silo.

“The fervour in Pyongyang is truly amazing,” said seasoned war tourist Takatana Ono. “North Korea is probably the last bastion of authentic propaganda left in the world, now that hipsters have made even Chairman Mao memorabilia ironic.