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Parliament passes hipster control bill, patronising pretentious cafes to be made illegal

Parliament passes hipster control bill, patronising pretentious cafes to be made illegal

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No more sale of brunch during brunch hours.

By Antisera


Following Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s outcry about the mess left behind by hipsters at the Laneway Festival 2015 held at Gardens By The Bay on Jan. 24, 2015, parliament has passed a bill in response to ban brunch food in Hipster Control Zones.

These include Jalan Besar, Tiong Bahru and Haji Lane, areas densely populated with hipster cafes.

PM Lee’s call for a “truly clean city” on Jan. 28 motivated a search for the root cause of public littering in Gardens by the Bay.

The source of the littering — reportedly detected through routine data analyses of Instagram hashtags — was found to be hipsters, a subdomain of people that has been growing in size in Singapore who are founded by a culture built upon asserting music supremacy, sustaining the sales of overpriced lattes and most recently, flippant littering.


The Hipster Control Bill will ban the sales of hipster brunch food by cafes between 10am to 5pm island-wide.

According to a MP who tabled the motion to discuss the piece of legislation, the bill is primarily aimed at hipsters and serves to minimise public disturbance in the form of littering, incessant DSLR photo-taking, and the obnoxious blasting of songs by universally popular obscure bands, all of which has greatly risen in occurrences since 2011.

Mixed reactions have been sparked off by the new law.

A supporter of the bill, Pin Fan Ren, said: “This ban is good. If I cannot drink my Tiger after 10.30pm, then they also cannot drink their latte before 2pm.”

“Don’t like anything, just ban. Like that then fair.”

On the other hand, the bill has been accused by some as a blunt instrument that compromises the freedom of non-hipsters.

Bu Kong Pin, a heartlander, said: “Now I cannot eat my Ya Kun eggs and drink Teh-O at 11am anymore.”

“I also never anyhow throw! How come cannot just ban hipsters only?”

However, cafes said they are not significantly concerned about dips in revenue with the passing of the Hipster Control Bill.

One cafe owner explains: “This won’t be a problem at all. In fact, I think the government forgot one important part of the cafe scene… We have All Day Breakfasts.”

The bill will come into effect in early March.


Singapore hipsters complain:

Indie Laneway Festival 2015 fails yet again after attracting 13,000 mainstream people to attend