New Nation

Thank you for your clean air.

Bilateral relations between Singapore and Indonesia have warmed up today.

This after Singaporeans from all walks of life, regardless if they are asthmatic, have come out to thank Indonesia for lowering the PSI level to 83 on Sunday having let it hover around 100 to 200 the past few days.

One Singaporean, Hen Gan En, said he feels personally indebted to Indonesia for giving Singaporeans back clear skies: “I never thought I’d see the blue skies again.”

“I would like to thank Indonesia for blessing Singapore with clean air once again.”

“Sorry, if we were ever ungrateful.”

Other Singaporeans said they have taken to openly giving thanks to Indonesia in public.

One Singaporean, Shao Xiang, said: “I am burning joss sticks and joss paper to thank Indonesia for their blessings.”

“This is the least I can do for them.”

“Thank you.”

Haze is just as potent.

Singaporean smokers from all walks of life who need to smoke to survive, are thanking Indonesia for the haze.

This after the haze is nowhere near clearing up as PSI levels continue to remain in the unhealthy range.

One Singaporean smoker, Seo Hun Kee, said: “I would like to personally thank Indonesia and their vice-president Jusuf Kalla for one month and more of smoker air.”

“Not only does Indonesia provide clean air for non-smokers for 11 months a year, it also provides air suitable for smokers.”

“Because of Indonesia, I have saved more than $12 a day buying cigarettes.”

“Maybe they should carry on with the haze for a few more weeks.”

“What more can we ask from our good neighour?”

“Name another warship? Sure, why not?”

Malaysia land mass will serve as filter for Singapore.

In a bid to resolve the haze issue, Singapore will be uprooting from its current location south of the Malay Peninsula and moving eastward to the side of the landmass instead.

This is to get away from the haze blowing from Sumatra.

However, Singapore officials are quick to announce that this relocation will only be a short term measure.

One official, Ban Jia, said: “Since we’re a Little Red Dot, it is easy for us to relocate when we feel like it and have to.”

“But it has to be noted that this move is only a short term measure to resolve the haze issue as we will be using the Malay Peninsula as a filter to absorb most of the particulate and smoke.”

“We will eventually need to move back to the south of the peninsula landmass as Singapore still needs to maintain its status as a port of call and as the busiest port in the world.”

Some Singaporeans who heard of this move were not entirely convinced.

One local, Qu Na Lee, said: “I’d prefer Singapore move further north closer to Hong Kong.”

“Heard the weather there is quite nice this time of the year.”

They are impressed by restraint shown.

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who are from the 70 percent and 30 percent, have expressed their amazement at the recent lack of events on the political front.

This after PAP has not blamed AHPETC for the haze in Singapore.

One Singaporean, Mei Qian Tu, from the 70 percent, said: “This shows a certain amount of restraint on the part of PAP that has never occurred before.”

“It is almost like a sign of maturity that they are not descending into petty politics. Never in a thousand years would I imagine this.”

“Then again, it almost feels like the PAP is planning something bigger.”

At press time, the opposition is going to be fixed in other ways.

Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.

A volunteer group called the Haze Elimination Action Team (HEAT) wants to sue and boycott the companies involved in starting fires in Indonesia and put an end to the haze.

The group is led by Dr Ang Peng Hwa, a professor at Nanyang Technological University’s Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information.

They need to identify a plaintiff to file the suit, raise funds of S$50,000 to S$100,000 and are looking to get pro bono legal help as well.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

“Sounds like we’re fighting hot air with more hot air.” — Gong Jiao Wei, 44-year-old balloon and helium supplier

“We would win this law suit if the case was tried in Singapore.” — Shang Fa Ting, 66-year-old legislative assistant

“Threatening bankruptcy is such a Singapore way of doing things.” — Pok Kai, 16-year-old unemployed

Measure will also make the island-state feel more inclusive. Literally.

To keep the increasingly bad haze out, the government has laid out plans to build a giant air-conditioned dome over Singapore.

This meansure will also make Singapore a more inclusive place for everyone of every stripe to feel included, after a resounding mandate for the PAP in the recent GE2015.

It will also promote Singapore to the stature of a truly air-conditioned nation.

The dome will not only provide people on the island a general sense of inclusiveness, but it will also keep them enveloped all the time.

Singaporeans interviewed reacted positively as they said a covered dome is the real definition of inclusiveness and a good health measure.

Another local, Wo De Jia, said: “This is dome, truly, where I know I must be.”

Measure will also make the island-state feel more inclusive. Literally.

To keep the increasingly bad haze out, the government has laid out plans to build a giant air-conditioned dome over Singapore.

This meansure will also make Singapore a more inclusive place for everyone of every stripe to feel included, after a resounding mandate for the PAP in the recent GE2015.

It will also promote Singapore to the stature of a truly air-conditioned nation.

The dome will not only provide people on the island a general sense of inclusiveness, but it will also keep them enveloped all the time.

Singaporeans interviewed reacted positively as they said a covered dome is the real definition of inclusiveness and a good health measure.

Another local, Wo De Jia, said: “This is dome, truly, where I know I must be.”

The only good news during this period of hazing.

Singaporeans from all walks of life, who have had it up to here tearing coupons all their lives, are rejoicing.

This after the haze in Singapore has taken a turn for the worst with PSI levels exceeding 300 island-wide and looking to reach Hazardous levels.

This signals that all personnel are advised to stay indoors, which means there will not be summon aunties working outdoors during this period to issue parking tickets.

One Singaporean, Jia Qi Che, said: “I am going to park right on this double yellow line here. You see that? You know what, I might just park on this jagged yellow line instead.”

“Because no one can stop me.”

Other Singaporeans said they will not bother putting any parking coupons this week, as long as the PSI level continues to exceed Unhealthy levels.

One other Singaporean, Boh Cheng Hu, said: “I am going to park in the CBD area during office hours and not bother putting a single coupon the whole day.”

“Who is going to summon me? The summon aunties don’t get paid enough to work in the haze.”

At press time, numerous cars are seen parked alongside bus stops, taxi stands and on zebra crossings.

Three thoughts that must have went past your mind at some point.

Primary and secondary schools in Singapore will be closed on Friday, Sept. 25, as haze conditions continue to worsen, the Education Ministry announced on Thursday (Sept. 24).

The decision was made as a precaution, as air quality could enter Hazardous levels.

However, teachers will still have to report to school for work as all Junior Colleges, Centralised Institutes, Universities, Polytechnics and ITEs will remain open. Classes for these students, as well as students in Year 5 and 6 of the Integrated Programme will continue.

Here are three thoughts Singaporeans have:

“The lives of these older students are less important.” — Lao Gu Dong, 45-year-old old aged home staff

“Lee Kuan Yew would have wanted this.” — Lee Zhong Li, 65-year-old chauffeur

“I was already planning on playing truant anyways.” — Pon Teng, 17-year-old student

Here is a list of places in Singapore where you get to enjoy the best of Indonesia.

1. City Hall

This place will be teeming with people wearing lanyards looking like they are enjoying themselves but are, in fact, soaking in the heat, haze and humidity. Mostly outdoors, there is nothing to stop you from sucking in the smoke and soot from the race and Indonesia. Double blessings.

2. Sands Expo and Convention Centre in Marina Bay Sands

People here will think they are living it up because they made it in life to come here. But the truth is, the people who really made it are in Monaco and own a home on Mauritius. But that doesn’t mean you can be stopped from enjoying the haze courtesy of Indonesia.

3. Clubs and bars: 1-Altitude, Ce La Vi, New Asia Bar and [email protected]

This place will see people dressed to the nines and wearing lanyards. And sucking in the haze. Non-smoking section? Does it matter?

4. Singapore Flyer

No one goes to the Singapore Flyer on normal days. So there is really no reason to go there this weekend.

5. Anywhere outside your home

This is to reduce the risk of bumping into anyone wearing a lanyard and walking around feeling like they have made it in life because they can afford to watch cars go round and round. But don’t let this hold you back from enjoying the haze if it is something you adore.

Bankrupted wheel could use a little spin.

The Singapore Failure Flyer, a bankrupted giant wheel symbolising inane financial failure, will be given a new lease of life.

Formerly known to bore visitors to death — as one single revolution takes approximately one ice age to complete — the giant wheel is going to be resuscitated and sped up to blow the haze away.

Currently, Singapore is experiencing fogged up conditions this past week, as our friendly ally, Indonesia, is thinking they are doing us a favour by helping to smoke us and maybe close down schools and prevent people from going to work.

Engineers working on this project to convert the wheel from a tourist attraction to a massive fan said they will build an enormous coal-powered motor to generate power to turn the gears of the fan, so it spins fast.

A spokesperson from the Ministry of Leisure, Entertainment, Sightseeing Tourism (MOLEST), Fei Li Ah, said: “Singapore is always known for improving productivity. Basically, the Singapore Flyer can be imagined to have undergone a skills upgrade. From serving tourists to performing massive blow jobs.”

The spokesperson also reassured the public-at-large that the smoke produced by the coal-powered motor will not defeat the purpose of using the Singapore Flyer to dispel the haze.

“Basically, the smoke and pollutants from burning the coal to produce energy to spin the wheel will be ventilated such that it is blown away together with the haze.”

“The haze and the smoke will all be directed towards Malaysia. Anyway, their PSI level can go up to about 500, so no big difference for them,” the spokesperson said.

Bankrupted wheel could use a little spin.

The Singapore Failure Flyer, a bankrupted giant wheel symbolising inane financial failure, will be given a new lease of life.

Formerly known to bore visitors to death — as one single revolution takes approximately one ice age to complete — the giant wheel is going to be resuscitated and sped up to blow the haze away.

Currently, Singapore is experiencing fogged up conditions this past week, as our friendly ally, Indonesia, is thinking they are doing us a favour by helping to smoke us and maybe close down schools and prevent people from going to work.

Engineers working on this project to convert the wheel from a tourist attraction to a massive fan said they will build an enormous coal-powered motor to generate power to turn the gears of the fan, so it spins fast.

A spokesperson from the Ministry of Leisure, Entertainment, Sightseeing Tourism (MOLEST), Fei Li Ah, said: “Singapore is always known for improving productivity. Basically, the Singapore Flyer can be imagined to have undergone a skills upgrade. From serving tourists to performing massive blow jobs.”

The spokesperson also reassured the public-at-large that the smoke produced by the coal-powered motor will not defeat the purpose of using the Singapore Flyer to dispel the haze.

“Basically, the smoke and pollutants from burning the coal to produce energy to spin the wheel will be ventilated such that it is blown away together with the haze.”

“The haze and the smoke will all be directed towards Malaysia. Anyway, their PSI level can go up to about 500, so no big difference for them,” the spokesperson said.

A strong mandate will help deflect the haze and make winds blow in opposite direction.

As a result of being given a strong mandate from voters this General Election 2015, the haze has been kept at bay instead of getting worse and causing the PSI reading to go even higher, Singaporeans have been assured.

This after voters questioned the purpose of a strong mandate for the PAP government and asked if a strong mandate “Can eat one?”

One PAP supporter, Poh Lum Pah, said in response: “The haze this time round in 2015 could have been worse. It is at PSI 223 now. But without the strong mandate by voters for the PAP in GE2015, the haze could have been PSI 1000.”

Other PAP supporters said Singaporeans can witness first-hand for themselves what a strong mandate can do and why it is necessary.

Another PAP supporter, Jin Kum Gong, said: “A strong mandate will help deflect the haze as it can be transformed into a shield or dome or a strong wind to blow in the opposite direction.”

“This is not a fairy tale meant to bluff people.”

“All we need is for people to believe in the strong mandate before it can work.”

A strong mandate will help deflect the haze and make winds blow in opposite direction.

As a result of being given a strong mandate from voters this General Election 2015, the haze has been kept at bay instead of getting worse and causing the PSI reading to go even higher, Singaporeans have been assured.

This after voters questioned the purpose of a strong mandate for the PAP government and asked if a strong mandate “Can eat one?”

One PAP supporter, Poh Lum Pah, said in response: “The haze this time round in 2015 could have been worse. It is at PSI 223 now. But without the strong mandate by voters for the PAP in GE2015, the haze could have been PSI 1000.”

Other PAP supporters said Singaporeans can witness first-hand for themselves what a strong mandate can do and why it is necessary.

Another PAP supporter, Jin Kum Gong, said: “A strong mandate will help deflect the haze as it can be transformed into a shield or dome or a strong wind to blow in the opposite direction.”

“This is not a fairy tale meant to bluff people.”

“All we need is for people to believe in the strong mandate before it can work.”