New Nation

One more for the heck of it, He said.

He wonders what to do to get his flock’s attention. Pestilence or fire from the sky next?

The latest flood warning at JEM shopping mall in Jurong East on April 16, 2015 was unleashed by God as a last-ditch attempt to once again send a sign to reach out to His flock that He was serious with His threats of razing the place to the ground.

The Lord God Almighty had previously sent as many as half a dozen warnings to JEM shopping mall that He intended to destroy the place but His warnings have largely fallen on deaf ears.

His Good Friday fire at JEM barely two weeks ago was also quickly forgotten by the masses, who have clearly turned their backs on Him as they now worshipped money and status symbols, which JEM has played a large part in promoting.

The Alpha And Omega said: “I’ve tried all means and ways to warn my flock about the impending destruction of JEM shopping mall to showcase my ire at acquiring mindless material goods but it appears they are not budging or paying heed to my signs. It is almost as if I cannot reach out to them with all this consumerism and materialistic mindset going around.”

“I still see them there day in day out shopping and eating, acting as if all is well, even as it is obvious the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth is going to smite them.”

“Is there no way to reach out to them? How do I really make my warning go viral?”

At press time, The Good Shepherd said he was thinking a virus might be too subtle as a next warning because it is not social media-worthy an event enough, but maybe trying for a pestilence or fire from the sky would be more appropriate as these events are more Instagrammable.

The mall is going to the dogs:

Fire at JEM mall in Jurong East on Good Friday night could be final warning by God

7 signs God is going to destroy JEM mall in Jurong East by end of 2014

Be not alarmed, my children, He said.

In a bid to soothe the frayed nerves of His creation, God has confirmed that the blackout at Bishan MRT Circle Line on Saturday evening on April 4, 2015, is a power trip and not an apocalyptic warning many thought was issued by Him.

Wary of repeated warning signs signalling The End Times, Singaporeans were initially concerned if the blackout that occurred suddenly at the train station was an ominous message by The Alpha And Omega or just another one of those routine train faults that occur on a daily basis.

One commuter, Yeshu Aini, said she was reaching the train station when she was taken aback by the lack of illumination and swore she saw some angels descent from the second floor to the first: “But turns out those were the technicians who were wearing headlamps and rectifying the power trip, which I mistook to be halos.”

Not that there isn’t fire without smoke.

This blackout follows the Good Friday fire at JEM shopping mall in Jurong East, where the external walls were momentarily engulfed in a blaze, which many have taken to be yet another warning sign by God that he is going to destroy the place.

However, when asked about the latest JEM shopping mall fire, The Lord God Almighty was tight-lipped and refused to confirm or deny it was a sign sent by him, further fuelling speculation the time is about now.

The Maker of the Heavens and the Earth only said: “When it is time, it is time. Be not alarmed, my children.”

“For The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

It is time:

Fire at JEM mall in Jurong East on Good Friday night could be final warning by God

7 signs God is going to destroy JEM mall in Jurong East by end of 2014

But social media users are sick of this phenomenon, complains of reposts.

After claiming responsibility for the Friday flash floods over some parts of Singapore, God has issued a truce.

He is posting rainbows all over Singapore as an internationally recognised symbol of love. And Nyan Cat.

Here are some photos of rainbows posted on Facebook in five minutes:

However, almost all Facebook users are complaining of spamming and reposts.

This might be construed as spurning the love of God and might lead to another round of rinsing of our streets with excessive amounts of water.

Flooding by The Almighty was in response to inane ministerial comment last week about droughts being a worry.

By Yew Tok Kok
Additional reporting by Hor Gao Gan

(Image not rendered to scale and any resemblance to actual deity is purely a coincidence. Or prophecy.)

The freakish flash floods that occurred yesterday afternoon at some parts of Singapore was no unlucky event, as God himself has stepped forward to claim credit for causing it on purpose.

Speaking over Skype, the 6,000-year-old entity said He single-handedly caused the flash floods at Veerasamy Road and Thomson Road on Friday afternoon “as a form of rebuke against hubris and false knowledge”.

Last week, environ-MENTAL minister Vivien Balakrishnan said, rather inanely, after a recent series of high-profile floods in Singapore: “A prolonged drought is something of a greater worry to me than a flash flood, which can be resolved over 15 minutes to half an hour”.

This statement proved to be too tempting for The Almighty to not act on it.

Within a week, The Consuming Fire reacted with a torrent of H2O to show that he means business and to re-emphasise that droughts ought to be the least of anyone’s worries because Singapore is a tropical island that is situated along a geographical region exposed to torrential outbursts of wet weather all year round and it doesn’t bode well that we have also become a concrete jungle.

Besides the Lord’s fury, Vivien’s inane comment about prioritising droughts over floods has also drawn widespread ridicule from Singaporeans.

The flooding is also exceptionally timely and gratifying as it caps a week or even a month of foot-in-mouth incidents involving the PAP, and on one occasion, the incumbent and chye tow kuey.

But make no mistake, The Most High is not done with His rinsing of Singapore’s roads, low-lying or otherwise.

Speaking in his infamous cryptic language and referring to himself in the megalomaniacal third-person, The Alpha and Omega hinted that he might unleash his Godly powers again as he chose his words and tone in the gravely, yet majestic, Kings James version style: “Get thee behind me, Vivien. Thou shalt not bear false witness or serve as a false prophet, for thine powers are unworthy and limited.”

“Thou shalt voteth opposition”, he sublimated.

“Or else, ye tempts fate to tempt thee”, he added.

Changing lingo to sound more urban, He also explained His penchant for wet weather: “You know the story about Noah and The Great Flood? It was done for dramatic effect. If I chose a drought, you know how long and tedious and non-dramatic death would take?”

“Yup, four weeks. And that’s a long time in biblical terms, considering I’m only here for six millennia so far.”

“I’ve got other wars to start, you know”.

How social media loves Chen Show Mao and vice versa.

Condoms and reliable contraceptives didn’t exist in the Roman World. So families left babies out in the cold.

By Terence Lee

This baby has no idea how lucky she is. Photo: ECohen

If you think abortion is bad, then prepared to be horrified: Killing babies was probably a common way the Ancient Romans kept their family size in check. This verifies what many sex educators have been saying to going-at-it couples — the withdrawal method doesn’t work.

So, what led historians to this finding? To keep the long story short: A collection of babies’ bones were excavated in 1912 in the English countryside. An archaeologist dates the bones to be 1,800 years old, coinciding with the era England was a part of the Roman Empire. Read the full story

In a bizzare case of computers imitating real life, two chatbots which met for the first time bickered and traded insults as they debated about God.

The two artificial intelligent robots were given voices and 2D avatars – a British man which they named Alan and an Asian woman called Sruthi.

Their designers – PhD students Jason Yosinki and Igor Labutov said they wanted to see what happened when the two chatbots – computer programmes designed to hold a spoken or written conversation with a human – talked to each other.

The conversation unfortunately turned sour within the first 20 seconds as the Alan got slightly annoyed at having to repeat himself. All else went downhill as Sruthi started getting pedantic – that she was a cleverbot and not a robot.

What was significant was their sudden turn towards God as a conversational topic.

Sruthi asks Alan if he believes in God and he replied: ‘It’s not everything’, but Sruthi seems disappointed with the answer and says: ‘Not everything could also be something, for example not everything could be half of something, which is still something and therefore not nothing.’