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4 useful excuses, in case you didn’t get her flowers on V-day

4 useful excuses, in case you didn’t get her flowers on V-day

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You’re not alone if you feel that Valentine’s day’s more of stepping into a roomful of hot, heady, neon pink, rose-scented goo, than a celebration of romantic love.

And the goo doesn’t come cheap. Like the price of bak kwa a week before Chinese New Year, the cost of roses, baby’s breath, and other similarly “AWWW” inducing flowers never fails to jump up a notch before V-day.

Why? Roses are a symbol of love, and symbols need to be displayed to be symbolic. Ergo, if you walk down Orchard Road on V-day without a bouquet in hand, it means you date doesn’t love you. Worse if he gets you cheap plastic roses.

And no one wants to spend Valentine’s day with an angry date.

But if you can’t be bothered, forgot or simply think flowers are dumb, here’s 4 excuses anyway, to weasel your way through a non-floral evening.

Excuse 1) “Flowers are wasteful, expensive and useless. I’m only compelled to buy them to display my ability to afford waste and of course being the smart girl you are, I’m sure you can see through the facade.”

Caveat: Only works with women impressed by brains. Skip this excuse if you happen to be Aaron Tan trying to woo Nina iwantyouonly.

According to University of New Mexico Professor Geoffrey Miller in his book The Mating Mind,

“The wastefulness of courtship is what makes it romantic.”

Memorise this line to continue impressing her with your intellect:

“From the viewpoint of fitness indicator theory, this waste is the most efficient and reliable way to discover someone‚Äôs fitness. Where you see conspicuous waste in nature, sexual choice has often been at work.”

So like the over-the-top tails feathers on male peacocks, the Ferraris outside clubs driving at 80km/h, and the not-for-resale diamond rings, waste and sacrifice demonstrates ability.

If you want to take this logic even further, buy her a glass of bandung (in a classy place please) to joke about how roses are more useful in drinks than in a vase.

Excuse 2) “You’re like a rose but better. I’d clone you to make a bouquet but technology isn’t quite there yet.”

Caveat: Date cannot be too smart or it could be perceived as sarcasm.

There’s got to be at least 10 songs with the phrase “like a rose” in the chorus. Why? Because women like to be compared to beautiful, nice-smelling things. So a bouquet of roses serves as nothing more than a metaphorical mirror – a pretty gift for a pretty girl.

Likewise, a bag of roaches for someone you don’t like. Unless you’re from rural Thailand where a bag of insects are the equivalent of chips.

Or for the sardonic, indie people:

So assuming your gal is confident enough to believe she’s in a league of her own, you could probably get away with giving her the best, by giving her nothing as all – to paraphrase Ronan Keating.

Excuse 3) “You’re not like the other bimbos. So I didn’t get you bimbotic flowers.”

Caveat: Usually the use of this excuse is followed by the comeback: “then what did you get me?”.

See, the exclusion of flowers as a representation of your date (see reason 2), doesn’t absolve you from finding something that adequately displays your feelings about her to her (also see reason 1).

And since you’ve put her up on the level of non-superficial girls, your gift better damn well be representative of that too.

Be prepared to rack your brain during the date as you stall for more time to think about what to buy while she makes her trip to the loo, or shell out some moolah for an expensive gadget that you would have liked, just to show that you can splash the cash (see reason 1 on “waste”).

Excuse 4) “I thought I’d get you something we’d both enjoy. I’ll pay for dinner today.”

Caveat: The date could either end up as a disaster, or the first date of many makan dates to follow.

The last and most iffy excuse, in case the rest didn’t apply. Dudes that have dated Singaporean women would tell you that the many ladies here suffer from a gender bias. On one hand they’re vocal advocates of women’s rights, on the other hand, men are still expected to open doors, pay for dinner and on occasion, even hold their handbags.

If you’re out of luck, she may have expected you to pay for dinner from the start, and spend the rest of the night WhatsApping her girlfriends about how cheap a date you are.

If you’re dating a foodie however, she may appreciate that you took the time to find a nice place to eat, and to spend time with her over a romantic candlelight dinner. If you’re on a winning streak, the restaurant may even provide a complementary rose for your date, and she’ll pretend that you intended the gift for her all along.

But if all else fails, there’s always the flower vendors along Orchard Road charging $20 a stalk.

[Note 1: Rose bouquets currently average around $60-$80 if you buy them online now.]

[Note 2: But expensive roses don’t necessarily translate to higher profits for the florist].