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US proposes air strikes on Fifa

Posted on 29 May 2015

When Americans take action.


Senator John McCain on Thursday proposed military action to “dismantle and destroy FIFA once and for all”, after denouncing the Obama Administration’s actions against the soccer organisation as “weak and ineffective” and “the kind of Band-Aid solution that this Administration, sadly, has become famous for”.

Declaring that he was “completely unimpressed” by the Department of Justice’s arrests of several top FIFA lieutenants this week, McCain said on the floor of the United States Senate: “We must make FIFA taste the vengeful might and fury of the United States military.”

“These are people who only understand one thing: force.”

He continued: “Rounding up a few flunkies in a hotel is meaningless when the leader of FIFA remains at large,” he said. “I will follow Sepp Blatter to the gates of Hell.”

Not coincidentally, Hell is where one of the World Cups will be held some time in the future.

This after Lucifer was cleared of wrongdoing by Fifa ethics committee with Sepp Blatter awarding 2026 World Cup to Hell.

A 666-page report had concluded that Fifa had acted ethically in awarding its showpiece tournament, and suggested Lucifer be compensated with “a really nice wristwatch, one with diamonds and everything” for having been put through an “unnecessary and upsetting” grilling.

Fifa was particularly impressed by “Hell’s well-organised system of circles where fans can listen to vuvuzelas” and watch England take on Germany in a penalty shoot-out until the end of time.

Lucifer, who has asserted control over the nascent Infernal Football Federation, is now regarded as a Blatter protégé and a leading candidate to take over from the Fifa president, should he ever wish to step down or die following US air strikes.

“Sepp Blatter has been a wonderful role model,” confirmed Lucifer. “But he still has so much to teach me before I can make the step up from running Hell to being the Dark Lord of an organisation as demonic and demented as Fifa. He is a constant inspiration.”

News via The Borowitz Report, The Telegraph


In other international news:

Overweight rat seen in world famous photo claims camera adds 20 pounds










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Wang Pei can be considered a new citizen of Singapore. She has been here all her life, just that her environment's changed beyond recognition.

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  • Jane Rand

    The funniest thing about this not so funny joke is that Andy doesn’t realize that 9/10 of readers will believe it to be actual news.

  • Evernal Sue

    good one but alas not done by newnation