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Team S’pore athletes reminded they must never drink, have sex ever again

Posted on 30 September 2014

They must be as pure as PAP.


Three Singapore swimmers at the Asian Games are being probed for having fun.

Joseph Schooling, Teo Zhen Ren and Roanne Ho were said to have left the village at the Asian Games to go drinking after the swimming events had already concluded the night before, where they won a lot of medals for the country, and naturally, were in celebratory mood.

However, Team Singapore spokesperson, Lao Gu Dong, said the actions of the Singapore athletes are unconscionable: “They are young adults who are old enough to represent Singapore internationally and win medals by swimming, but they are not allowed to consume alcohol and be themselves. How hard is that to understand?”

“Team Singapore has stressed time and again that young athletes must be pure and virginal to be able to perform at their peak level. This is similar to how the PAP operates: MPs and ministers must never drink alcohol and never have sex ever. That’s why they can think straight and deserve to wear white.”

Singaporeans on the street who were interviewed said they are sympathetic towards Joseph Schooling.

One local, Yew Qian Tu, said: “Joseph Schooling won Singapore’s first Asian Games male swimming gold medal in 32 years in the 100m butterfly in a new Games record, and he also took home silver and bronze in the 50m and 200m butterfly. The 19-year-old from the University of Texas stands to win $350,000 under the Multi-Million Dollar Awards Programme (MAP) scheme.”

“He should tell the authorities to take their investigation, shine it up a little, turn it sideways and stick it up their ass.”


Sometimes why Singaporeans don’t do well at some sporting activity will never be explained:

Tens of thousands of men run Army Half Marathon but complain cannot pass IPPT 2.4km run


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Wang Pei can be considered a new citizen of Singapore. She has been here all her life, just that her environment's changed beyond recognition.

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