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Invisible weapons of mass destruction found in North Korea: UN

Posted on 09 April 2013

Reclusive country ready for thermonuclear war on universe

North Korean soldiers appear to be mocking "Gangnam Style" in a propaganda picturePhotograph: AFP/KNS

North Korean soldiers appear to be mocking “Gangnam Style” in a propaganda picture Photograph: AFP/KNS

PYONGYANG – United Nations officials have discovered weapons of mass destruction stored in a top-secret silo in Haeju city, North Korea. This latest discovery corroborates with existing threats from Pyongyang that the reclusive country is ready for a thermonuclear war that could engulf South Korea and the universe as we know it. But years of false alarms have prepared the world to defend itself should a real threat arise.

“Our team in North Korea have confirmed the existence of a miniature nuclear device and hundreds of long range missiles that do not explode prematurely,” said a UN spokesperson who did not actually see the weapons.

According to the UN, these weapons are fully functional and have been equipped with invisibility, rendered them undetectable to both the human eye and radar. However new technology developed by the US military, namely the Fusion Utility Detector (FUD) has made it possible for humans to sense the presence of these weapons within a 50m radius.

“There’s nothing more reliable than FUD today. Though it may occasionally malfunction, as it did in Iraq prior to the war, FUD is the most effective means we have to discover threats to national security,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney.

Since the announcement of the confirmation, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, also known as “Dear Chubby” has issued the following statement:

“The undisguised hostile actions of the United States and its South Korean puppet have left me no choice but to move towards war. Surrender or me pull lever go boom”.

Japan has already deployed missle-defense systems around Tokyo in the event that North Korean weapons do not backfire while South Korea’s military has reported missile movements on North Korea’s east coast, in the wrong direction.

“This could be a backup plan by Pyongyang to actually hit South Korea should the missiles fly towards China,” said South Korean security specialist Choo Suk-mi.

North Korea has urged foreigners in South Korea to make evacuation plans (“Run underlings run!”), claiming that visitors might get hurt should a non-rhetorical war be launched. No warning has been issued to tourists in North Korea should the weapons implode in the silo.

“The fervour in Pyongyang is truly amazing,” said seasoned war tourist Takatana Ono. “North Korea is probably the last bastion of authentic propaganda left in the world, now that hipsters have made even Chairman Mao memorabilia ironic.

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