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National paper touts Guinness as potential vaccine for HFMD

Posted on 13 March 2012

The battle against HFMD is nearly over.

TODAY Newspaper, seen by many as the most credible print paper in Singapore, has declared on its front page today that scientists are one step closer to finding a vaccine for HFMD.

The miracle drug? A pint of Guinness Draught, served chilled and foaming at the tip.

A picture of the beer was placed prominently right next to the article, an unmistakable indication of just what the potential vaccine is.

All the parents that NewNation.sg spoke to who saw the article couldn’t believe it at first.

Said Linus Ong, a father of two: “I sneak out to the pubs without telling my wife, just to gawk at the black beauty, but I never expect it to be a cure for HFMD.”

“Now I have a valid excuse to visit the pubs with my buddies!”

Already, parents are queuing up at 7-11 convenience stores and supermarkets to stock up on the beverage. Lily Neo, a mother of one who is an executive at the Health Promotion Agency, rushed down to NTUC right after work.

“I didn’t even bother to read the entire article. All I know is that if there’s a vaccine for HFMD, I must get it before other parents. It’s a life-and-death matter, you know?”

A lucky bastard who managed to purchase his share of Guinness was Jonathan Ang, who has three daughters aged 3, 4, and 6.

“I’m going to let them have a sip of the beer everyday,” he said, grinning widely.

By 11pm today, the entire island’s stock of Guinness had already run out. Exasperated parents, who have queued for hours, were shouting and waving their fists when they learnt of the bad news.

Some have taken to Twitter to vent their anger: “KNNCCB. Queued for hours at Cheers but they told me no stock. Damn pissed! #WeWantGuinness,” said one WoWDad68.

Dev Anand, CEO for Guinness Singapore, was besides himself with joy.

“We never expected that an ad… I mean article on Today’s front page would be so effective. In fact, we’re thinking of resurrecting our old tagline: Guinness is Good for You.”

He reassured Singaporeans that more cartons of the beer are being fast-tracked to Singapore, and will arrive by Friday.

MediaCorp, which owns the newspaper, could not be reached for comment.

This post was written by:

- who has written 555 posts on New Nation.

Belmont plays the guitar, made Jamie Yeo sing his song, shook hands with Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, swam in the river above Bangladesh, visited Nagaland, outsmarted pickpockets in KL, was the editor of The Campus Observer and worships the writings of Nassim Taleb and Christopher Hitchens. He intends to be an astrophysicist, take up salsa and watch Led Zeppelin live at least once before offing it.

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